bnd, can we talk this week? Tell me a good time and I'll call you. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
well with a divorce in the works I kinda have to leave him alone and detach, plus he living with and is besotted with OW.....what else can i do?
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
How can he come back to the M if we are Divorced that i think this will take quite a while....it is gonna take 2 months just to get a court date for interm spousal support.....all i can hope is he wakes up before it is final. People tell me stories of people getting back together after they are divorced does it really happen.....i was trying hard not to have the D happen
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
The book is called CUT LOOSE and is edited by Nan Bauer-Maglin. Edited, not written, b/c the LBSers wrote most of the pieces, and Nan added her research into it.
PWS, as BND says, there are tales of reconciliation after D and I'm sort of embarrassed to admit it has happened to two relatives of mine. My Aunt R- and my uncle divorced decades ago, for reasons unknown to me, except they "fought a lot". They had 3 kids. 5 years later when they were at one of the kid's events, my uncle asked my aunt out for a dinner/drink and eventually point blank asked her if she was happier now that they were Divorced. She said "No, not really" and they re-married. 6 years later, he died of cancer, with my aunt and cousins at his side. My cousin K- and his wife married young and had kids. They divorced. They kept in touch, mostly b/c of the kids as far as I know, but I was little when they divorced. Anyhow, K- stopped drinking years ago, and I don't know if that is related. But 8 (yes, eight) years later, they resumed a full R, and then re-married. Both K- and my aunt said the 2nd time around was indeed, better. That was 12 years ago. I don't know if OP was in either picture, but I am sure they all must have dated others eventually.
I KNOW your H may well be out the door for good. There are/were never any guarantees in any of our R's, although we assumed so. It's a paradox in M, that on one hand we cannot take each other for granted, but on the other hand, we have to fundamentally trust that when they're late from work, they ARE working, so we have to "take for granted" that they are there for us....weird.
My H took his medical sub-specialty boards, thereby achieving his most recent of many career goals. Once it was out of his way, he seemed to start looking around and noticing that we are not there with him, and he misses us, needs us, etc. At the same time, I detached pretty fully, by assuming he was NOT coming back, and that I needed to move on, although I did NOTHING to move a D along. I had filed for a sep last February to "wake him up" which was a spectacular failure. But then, so was doing nothing. ANYHOW, as I said earlier, I don't know what triggered H's return on my end, if anything. Might have just been his time, with the blinders dropped once the goal was attained, so it may have had little to do with me or my behavior. I DO KNOW things that DECREASE the likelihood of reconciliation, and I avoided them. For instance, most WAS's feel guilt at some level, and that can be turned into outward anger, so it backfires to try to "guilt" them into coming back. Plus, the more guilt they feel, for MANY, it makes it TOO HARD TO COME BACK. So my DB coach told me, one year ago, to
"KEEP THE ROAD HOME PAVED AND SMOOTH", and not to chuck obstacles in H's way. To "listen like a Lover", when H called/talked. THAT was very very hard for me, as was another admonition to AVOID USING A PARENTAL VOICE b/c it shuts down their inner voice. I think that means that if you attack, or use the parenting mode (("How could you do this? Why are you doing this? Why are you so selfish?? "Etc.)) you make the WAS defend his choices instead of really examining them. How can he look objectively at something when he feels he must justify it? Plus, he will paint a negative image of ;your M and or you, to rationalize indecent behavior. SO, you have to counter that with as much positive imagery, behavior, commentary, etc and 180's as possible. The M and you and the home life must be a warm contrast to whatever he is thinking. You must NOT fuel his angry fire, don't give him any "evidence" that he is right. He wants so much to be RIGHT...and he fears he is doing a bad, Wrong thing. Don't enable him to avoid reflecting about his choices, by attacking them. Also, do not try to show him the consequences of his choices (like crummy R's with other family members, ) b/c "LIFE WILL GIVE THEM THE CONSEQUENCES and if You do instead, they'll Blame YOU. That will push him into the arms of OW, defending themselves against the cruel world, together, blah blah blah.
Do you get what I'm saying? I feel bad for you and it is such a hard time for this. All I can say is that the holidays will NOT be smooth for your H , no matter how he acts. BTW, I took kids on a trip last xmas and last summer, without H, obviously. But later H mentioned, OFTEN, how "hard" that was on HIM....if he'd been around, he could have come. Guess he thought we'd wait around a couple years to see if he could find the time....
SO, by detaching, GAL and really getting that I could/should/WOULD be happy again, with OR without H, I got happier. maybe that made me more attractive to H, or maybe it just let him probe our R's status, without too much fear that I'd kick him in the teeth -- the WAS often think we'll make them "crawl back" to us, which is another excuse for them to give up, start over with OP without memory of their idiocy. Thing is, ALL R'S TAKE WORK, so why not do it with the one you've invested so much with? Some WASs get that in time, and some don't.
BTW also, I do not know if my M will work b/c a lot of damage has been done and I see my H in a different, not all good ---way now. And face it, HE screwed up and hurt me and our M and worst, our children, DEEPLY. So, we'll see. You may also begin to feel new ways. Not all bad either.
Good luck, keep on keepin' on. THIS DOES GET BETTER and You will be happy again. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My H has never wanted to "talk" at all ever in this past 10 months of replay...normal? Just spew that he tried i never listened.....he was always the one trying and tons of other things that were my fault...but not once has he wanted to put anything onto talking this out.....will he maybe when he has the awakening?...the depression? I do not understand how someone can walk away from 25 yrs like they never existed. he turned things that he specially got for me into bad things that were my fault. Now that he has served me papers, hes acting just like before friendly txts...guilt appeasement? Came out for coffee? How am i supposed to act? There have been sometimes when he has said some incredulous things where i have blown up at him, I will admitt...but geesh i am only human.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
He has already made an appt w his attny discuss LS I assume this week as hee replied that it had been been arranged and that was less than 2 days after the subject came up.....so i have the D paper which i cant give back to him until he tells me what he wants as the minute he gets them my attny starts his job........it has only been a week but feels like an eternity i guess. their behavior just confuses me. h's that is
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
