pws...I'll follow the lead of others and their additions to W2S's post, and perhaps give what might help you most. Our experiences with the stage you're in now.
I felt like staying in bed forever. My mind reaced to the point of exhaustion. I was shocked and numb. Even now, when I get to this place, rarely, I hate it. I am so scared of staying in that place of pain that W2S describes. You walk around like a zombie, not really living, listening, smiling, talking. Everything seems like a limbo until the next thing from H. The sleepless nights, the nights where sleep never seemed to end. And, like notwaving and BBA, I too thought of H dying as much easier....I would rather have had a dead H than a cheating and lying one.
But, as everyone says....it gets better. Soon, you stop crying so much each day. Then you stop crying every day. Then, you have to actually think back and count to the last day you cried. Soon, you laugh with ease without being stung by your pain as an afterthought. You don't remember the hollow lonliness in your chest when you're out pretending to GAL....you just get one that you love and cherish it. You remember your family and friends, who were floating in ether while your MLC spouse was the only reality you knew. They become tethered to your life again. You cherish them.
Soon, you start waking up and seeing the sun shining as a blessing. You learn to love your space. You learn to love the lightness in your life that is yours, without the care of another. This sounds selfish, but if you look back, there was some way we were taking care of an adult with low self-esteem, and that is tiring. Soon, you start to get to know yourself, what you enjoy, like and believe. You start to learn what you find truly compatible in a partner.
Then comes the part when you actually start thriving. Not just surviving and getting by, but actually improving your life in ways taht have nothing to do with your M. You start to dream and believe in life and your goals. You start to hope to feel better each day.
I hope that as each of us tell you our travels out of the darkness, you will see that it is actually possible. Just like all of us tell each other of the alien madness to realize that it is REAL, as W2S mentions. The power of the reality lies in the plentiful stories we share with a common thread. You will thrive one day. It is slow, it is imperceptable.
Start watching the baby steps in yourself, not just in M and H. It's much more interesting and rewarding. Let the pain go for a while.....lay down that heavy pack. You wills tart to see how effortless it is to put it down, and how cumbersome it is to pick it back up, and you start to say to the pain "I'll pick you back up later...now I want to live."
In short, this is precious time, given to us for a reason. For some, it is a time to reflect and see their own shortcomings in the M and change. For others, it's a time to change their life in ways they have always wanted to. For others, it is a time to go after those long-lost dreams. For others, it is a time to turn back to things they put aside, like family, hobbies, nature, work, children. For all of us, it is a time where we realize our own inner strength, which is only revealed in these difficult times.
There will come a day when you step out of bed, strong and fearless, with a sacred knowledge in your heart that you can face anything....through the grace of God, and your own power.
It was just this week I realized that when I start my day, it's not scraping myself up and making myself stand strong. I wake up and stand strong automatically.
You will get there. One day at a time. Stick with us.
