i stopped snooping but still cant get away from bad news.....go to town at 11pm last call at bar with friends h's truck at ow's apt for nite. He was in my e-mail....new password. Victim victim victim that is all he thinks of him self as.....everything i do is against him! The failure of his trying to buy a resort(bad credit ) is MY fault. his dog doesnt love him anymore....my fault....His money prob ...my fault ( spends insane amts on OW)......one of the horses i had to give away I took to MA....he didnt get to say goodbye....i deliberately did that! All I kept saying as quiet as I could ...it is all about you isnt it. After the trade show thinf where he paraded ow into bedroom infront of OUR emplyees.....I feelraped, pilaged, and violated......I told him I was sorry he felt he has to treat me this way......What do You mean????? Its all about you H
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
pws - This is in reponse to your post on ACJ's thread: sadly we don't have a crystal ball on this board, to tell us how long our h will be like this, and if they will ever come out of it. Most do come out of it [and I have a suspicion that the ones that don't are very damaged indeed, and may well have been exhibiting signs of that damage prior to the MLC, but I'm not sure, and certainly hope I haven't hurt anyone's feelings by saying this]
However, it takes a LONG time. you get the occasional posting of early reconciliation, but for full blown MLC - well 2 years plus post bomb seems standard. If they start coming out of replay/depression/withdrawal in under 18 months that is a shortish MLC.
You really do have to get on with your life. Until you do that you will be terribly unhappy. You will still be unhappy from time to time when you have got on with your life. This is normal. What has happened to all of us is AWFUL, but we can't undo it and go back. Until we realise that, let go and start moving forward again we will be locked in misery, and frankly not very attractive people to consider going back to.
Think of it this way. Years from now, no matter the outcome, you will feel so bitter and resentful, to YOURSELF, for letting all this time in your life slip past you. Time that you can spend living your life. LIving each moment, each day. Yes, what H is doing is terribly unfair. What is even more unfair is how it is seeping the life from you, how it is wasting your moments. That is NOT his fault. It lies in YOUR hands.
Easier said than done. All of us here have had to scrape ourselves off the floor and move forward. In the beginning of my separation and even this mess, I had to push myself to go out, put a smile on my face, and I was so sad inside. But, I kept pushing. You know what. There came a magical day when I went out beaming...truly smiling and all by myself. I was content, peaceful, happy and just dying to have fun.
You will get to that point. And then it gets easier from there. Just keep pushing yourself. We are all here to tell you again and again to not let this consume you. Your H will do as he pleases.....it is the only way out of the madness. Besides....letting him go is the only way to see if he comes back is the right thing....not you agonizing over it.
It's all so angering, so unfair. True. But, at some point, you need to take back your life.
So, to echo BND....what are those goals?
What are the plans for this week? Did you eat meals today? Shower? Get out ofthe house? Take a drive? Take a walk?
Correct me if I am wrong, but I am getting this feeling that you think nobody understands your pain, that somehow all of the advice here is easier said then done, and you are somehow different.
It doesn't matter if you have been married 5, 10 or 20 years the pain is still the same.
Be thankful that you don't have young children to take care of and that you do have the luxury to wallow in your misery.
Everyone here knows that pain, we are all still dealing with it in different ways.
I want you to write me a letter, you get one chance at this.
I want you to post to me exactly what you want to say to your Husband right now.
I don't care how many F words you use, just get it out.
Once you have done that, we will discuss the next step.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
You asked another thread if I am divorced. No...what made you ask? OH...and where's that letter BND has assigned??? I've been on this board for aover a year-and-a-half now. Back in Spetember Toncatt asked about my story and I wrote something like a novel...I may be a writer, but I'm not going to rehash over all that again. But if you would like to bore yourself, I put a link below. It's actually in three posts it was so long--I broke it into sections.
ABSOLUTELY! This is time for YOU doll! This is where you get to indulgent about you for a change. I too have no children and I am thankful that I had my pity parties that didn't involve anyone else...BUT, you cannot stay that way forever...your sitch won't be this way forever either, hon. Everything changes...so now is your opportunity to dust off those dreams and things you set aside for the good of your marriage, etc...and try on the new and improved PWS suit!
I think you need to indulge yourself a little bit and give yourself permission to be human. I can see your pain in all the words you write and I hope it is a catharsis for you...
I think you should write that letter to your H and let it ALL OUT. All your anger, frustration, and disappointment. Then let it go...this will be a process of course but we are all human and not stepford wives.
In time, you will see the change in you...just as many of us have seen and experienced the changes in ourselves. I thought that I would die when I found out about my H's PA. We had a "perfect" life, I thought. Now I realize how I lived in a rose colored world. so,I have learned to grow and be the Vali I used to be...independent and sassy!
Hang in there, sweets, we're here for you to help you along this perilous journey...
Hugs, Vali
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
PWS, I have to agree with the other ladies. I wrote what at first was a journal - then turned into a letter to H about what my thoughts were regarding how and why we got to this point in our lives. It started out small, and ended up being a whole steno pad... I had a lot to get off my chest! I told him I was writing it, and told him I might share it with him someday, might not! Depends how I feel about it down the road. I can look back at it now and see all the pain and frustration I was feeling - only 5 months ago. Big improvement now - still heartbroken, but the unloading on paper what they won't let you say or listen to is very cathartic indeed! I still journal in it regulary, and I've continued to address it to him - in the form of a conversation with him. I don't know - it just seems to help. Write the letter! Hugs, Lou
I know have come to the realization of several things You lie and deceive like there is no tomorrow. If your mouth is open you are lying…….there for to have any contact with you is a pointless endeavor. You tell me your sum involvement with looking into that resort was talking to a realtor. I find out you have drawn up a sales agreement/plan of operation and submitted it to 3 banks. So I suspect I will next find out you actually did purchase it, coyly thru Sunset Properties where I suspect you are busy stashing everything you can from me. Lining your ducks up or should I say hiding the golden ones before you strike. I thought your one nite stand was a last minute thing, because you were so pissed off at No Contact…at least that is what you said. After much thought I realize to have a nite at N Conway’s most expensive and luxurious hotel during Labor Day weekend took some planning……those reservations had to have been made weeks in advance if not months. My guess you were there for more than one nite. You did txt me that nite…(txting me every nite!)Hide in the bathroom or go on one of those infamous “walks”???? I now find out you lied about sleeping with her before then, there was another weekend tryst in July. So I suspect the sex part has been going on a lot longer than you said. You apologized and said it was a mistake and then you take her to equine affaire for 5 days....you just lie and lie and lie. And now Equine Affaire when you paraded her into MY world and worse yet paraded her into your bedroom in front of OUR employees. You just keep lying to me your wife, your friend How you can live with yourself is beyond my comprehension…….but then again I took my vows before you and God seriously. But then again I have morals where you are as morally bankrupt as your lover. What kind of woman goes after a married man????? (But she is using you as much as you are using her…a match made in heaven) Your vows to me meant as little to you as that piss behind the tree. I mean nothing to you after all these years except for someone to blame your internal misery on. What you are spending on your trysts with her and buying her and yourself has floored me. Then there is no money for me and my needs. My horses are deprived of routine medical care. Oli is crippled because of what you spend on your child whore; he can’t have the meds to keep him sound and PAIN_FREE. They can’t get their teeth done because of what you are spending on your trysts with your child whore. You are a very bad heartless selfish man. I had to give Oli away so he can be properly cared for…..what am I gonna tell Andy……..not that you care. Beamson…..my pony I owned since he was 3…..I have to give away because of what you spend on your child whore and your self. He is barefoot because “there is no money” There is money…..you are hiding it or spending like a deranged sick man on your child whore. You said you were unhappy for 10 yrs……funny cos it started with 2 went to 4 then five now 10…….Typical MLC blather…read the handbook. It’s called rewriting the history of the relationship….all men in crisis do this to validate their insidious choices; pretty soon you will state you were never happy the entire time we were together. You parade your child whore around town announcing how unhappy you were with me to justify what you are doing. You are one sick bastard. And now Equine Affaire…that is the ultimate disrespect you have shown me and the marriage. I feel violated like I have been raped. But I now see that the entire 25 years were a joke on me. You have been lying, deceiving and cheating (having affairs) on me for the entire time we have been together. But my eyes are wide open now. Oh you can counter with this and that……what you did for me…what you got me…….ALL guilt appeasement for what you were really doing to me. I will never see it for anything else. But I want to thank you for Amadeus, Oli and Townie. Great horses given to me by a weak man with no love to give. I am now convinced God gave me OZ (Ami) back, my horse of a lifetime given back to me to survive your torment and abuse of me. And that was before your crisis……..now you are incapable of being intimate with your self let alone someone else. The anger and pain inside you is eating you up so you have chosen to run from all you knew and have chosen feel good Band-Aids to ease the pain. Your anguish and pain is also taken out on me the closest to you…the one who loved you most. The pain, damage and carnage you have inflicted on me is beyond measure, you have to direct it anywhere but yourself. You are addicted to your band aids as someone is to drugs. It takes more and more to get less fix. You see forgiving you is one thing….taking you back is entirely another. That window is closing rapidly. Too much carnage, lying, and deceit to get past though I would have tried. The two greatest gifts I had to offer were forgiveness and unconditional love. Kind of ironic you ended up with your crisis…it stripped off the cloak of you were pretending to be to enable me to see who you really are. I am hurt I am broken, but I can still forgive….you on the other hand has nothing. I got the best you had to give…….your lover gets nothing. You are an empty hollow person with no feelings or love to share. What little you had was stripped away by the crisis…….the good news is you have 2-3 more years of this ever growing internal suffering and addicting behaviors for your feel good fixes openly displayed for all to see before you crash violently to the bottom of depression. You will then have to face yourself and worse yet you will see what you did to me. It wont be pretty when the truth comes crashing in. Though I sincerely doubt you have what it takes to look inside yourself and you will not have what it takes to do the work to get in my life again……you are just not that strong enough of a man. It will easier for you not to face what you have done to me and continue on with your child whore. Then what little moral value you had will return. The chances of me being there to pick up the pieces are slim. I will have moved on grown and blossomed in spite of your 25 yr abuse and degrading of me. Sad part is I will always love you and you will always be my husband no matter what final pain and insidious things you choose to do to me. I married for life. You knew that truth 13 yrs ago. The truth is though you are a very bad man who cares for no one but himself. I made a terrible mistake coming over that nite 25 yrs ago.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
I told him I was writing it, and told him I might share it with him someday, might not! Depends how I feel about it down the road. I can look back at it now and see all the pain and frustration I was feeling - only 5 months ago. Big improvement now - still heartbroken, but the unloading on paper what they won't let you say or listen to is very cathartic indeed! I still journal in it regulary, and I've continued to address it to him - in the form of a conversation with him. I don't know - it just seems to help. Write the letter!