I have been doing lots of reading but not much posting. I will be taking one of my closest friends to see an eye specialist today. She has dry macular degeneration in one eye (which can not be helped) and now she has developed a cataract on the other eye. This will be the check-up before removal, which she wants to get done before the end of the year. We are going early and try to get some shopping and a nice lunch in before her appt at 2:30. She will get drops in her eyes and will need to go home after that because her vision wil be very blurred.
I guess that I have too much time on my hands lately because I have been thinking alot about H saying he hasn't loved me in a many years. I have been going over and over it in my mind. Asking myself foolish ???'s that lead to nowhere but more confussion. I keep coming back to 6 month before he left. I had my knee replaced due to an old injury. He took me in for the surjury, kissed me at the operating room, kissed me when I got back to the room, came everyday and kissed me when he came and again when he left. When I got home he did everything for me, cooked, cleaned, did laundry, did shopping, made me eat when I didn't feel like it, re-arranged his work schedule to take me to my Dr. appts and therapy. He would never let me go outside to exercise unless he was there with me. He tucked me into bed every night and called me at least 6 times everyday from work to be sure I was alright. When we first went up to the 5th wheeel in May he helped me with every step I took. Then in July he started talking to ow and in Sept. he left saying he hadn't cared about me in years. That he just felt so empty. When I asked about the operation and his wonderful commitment, he said it was all just a show and that he never really cared.
I am having a hard time dealing with this right now because I know we will be going to court soon about the house and as much as I hate to do it, I know that it is the right thing in order to protect what I have invested. If he continues on the road he is on, creditors can attach to the house and it could be gone.
Why is this bothering me so much right now? I just keep going over and over it in my mind and I know in my heart that he wouldn't have done all of those things if he didn't love and care about me. Why can't he remember? Or doesn't he want to remember becuase it might hurt too much to look back and see what he has done?
Sorry this is such a downer but I am really having a hard time with it right now.
It is going to be about 15 degs out today with a strong wind so I guess I better find what I will wear shopping.
