MLC over??

[wed2alien]

Positively listening,

I just read your post and will try to answer your questions and then get to your thread.

How is it that your H finally realized that it was an addiction to OW, and that he needed help and went to a C? Did that come to him totally on his own, or did you help in some way?

We had tried couples counseling at the very beginning of his replay at my insistence. (this was my mistaken naive belief that he would immediately end the affair and want to work on our marriage. I didn't realize I was dealing with not the same man I married!) After 2-3 sessions, it was obvious he was still seeing OW so I knew couples counseling was futile. Our C agreed and suggested individual counseling for both of us.

It wasn't until about 6 months later that he realized he was confused/depressed. He had many talks with his D sister who gave him realistic advice about "new" relationships, how they ALL are exciting but that fades in time. She suggested C and he went to a good one, thank goodness. This C confirmed all the euporia of an affair and he began to doubt his new R, to not make any rash decisions to end M. She told him affairs were addictions and needed to be treated as such to end one.

This C moved away but referred him to an even better one, one who specialized in addictions, and knew how to expect lying, denial, etc. He saw her for about 8 months. She gave him the tools to end the affair. He still didn't want to end it, he craved OW.

how would you characterize your R during the time you were S?

We physically separated 4 times I think. He always called daily if just to check the kids schedules. Most of the time I answered, sometimes I didn't just to aggravate him.

Our R during separation varied often. Sometimes we were cordial friends, sometimes dating lovers, sometimes I cut off contact if I found out he was lying and still seeing OW.(this really made him angry but I think it helped him see I didn't need him, I deserved to be treated with respect, and I had every right to cut him off since he knew what he was doing was wrong. It got to where the lying bothered me more than him seeing OW)

Sometimes we communicated only by voice messages, some nasty. We had many long phone discussions, mainly late at night about our R, shared our feelings, trying to figure it all out. At times I felt like his C, listening, validating, encouraging him to find his happiness within, etc. Many deep discussions that we never had. Other times divorce was threatened, I saw L 2-3 times to fill out the papers but never did.

Our last separation was the most volatile, he actually had D papers drawn up and was ready to have me served, but changed his mind when he actually read them and decided he wanted to save our marriage. How crazy is that?

I guess I was just never comfortable with our R in any of these modes (friends, lovers, cordial, angry). If one stage lasted too long, like when I was nice, friendly and ignored the fact that he was seeing OW, eventually I would get mad, feel like a doormat, stand up for myself and my rights and cut off contact. I never let him get comfortable with OW for too long without stirring things up.

And how did you successfully confront the OW #2 and with H Ok with that? Was it that your R had developed to such a point that the trust was there for you to be more assertive, or was it that your H couldn't risk losing you as it was an ultimatum?

Well, lets just say that I was a bad DB because I always snooped. I am the type that had to know but it caused me a lot of pain and distress. First my gut would tell me that he was lying, or seeing OW, by his behavior (distancing, less eye contact, strange unavailability when called, nasty angry alien spews at me).

I just wanted to know the truth, I couldn't understand his lying (duh, all MLCers lie, I know that but I just couldn't accept it from my H). So I would track phone numbers, etc. and luck was always on my side as I caught him many times lying. With OW#1, catching him in lies almost became a game, he would try to end affair, would last 2-7 days, then cycle again.

After 2 yrs of this, I was really at the end of my rope and ready to D, especially when he started OW #2 which only lasted a month. No way was I up for another 2 yr battle because he was acting just like he did at the beginning or replay 2 yrs earlier. (cocky, arrogant, distant, secretive) I thought he went ALL the way back in the tunnel.

I became angry, told him he could have her, file the papers, told his family, all the wrong things I am sure. I didn't give him an ultimatum but really put my foot down, set boundaries (no contact, no coming to house, he had to keep kids at his apt on his days). I was confident that I would be OK and didn't fear divorce. My reaction to OW #2 would not have worked on #1, so I guess the timing was right. He didn't have those same feelings for #2, just an "empty R" he said later.


But my interfering with his private life angered him more than ever, and it became a battle of our wills but it worked for him, opened his eyes from his fog. It was like my angry true words would smack some sense into him.

And it was shortly after this confrontation that he recommitted, we began "dating" and he slowly showed more and more signs of his old self.

wed2