MLC over??

[aid]

Wed,
My H did the exact same things. One day seemed totally committed, the next seemed completely disinterested in me. I remember having a MC session where I said tath I felt my needs were not being met. H got angry at that. He was being a total jerk during that phase.

The important thing is to expect that thsi will happen. He is dealing with a lot of emotions. He probably is incapable right now of tryign to meet your needs, when he's tryig to figure out how he can meet his own.

Give him time and space, but dont' be a doormat.

[lael]

Wed2,

I feel like we are living the same lives. What you said about being tired of feeling unloved, is exactly what I am feeling right now. I have been, and am, working so hard to save this marriage, and he feels that leaving her, and switching jobs should be enough. It's not.

I think he feels like a bolt of lightning will strike him, and he will suddenly be in love with me again. Like you said, personal conversations would be a nice start, then maybe some dating. He didn't just fall in love with the OW by sitting across from her at work, he didn't fall in love with me all those years ago by talking on the phone about what kind of insurance we need to get. We need personal interaction, but he fears that means a R discussion, it doesn't.

In order to have the A, I think he had to think of me as the enemy, and kept things as impersonal as he could between us. Now that I'm not the enemy, he doesn't know how to talk to me.

Sometimes I forget he is still in MLC. He has followed all of the stages almost exactly, but because he is aware of his depression, and MLC now, I forget he still can't control it. By the way, I get the parental tone from my H too. Those conversations never end good.

I guess I really don't have any advice for you. I wish I did, I could use some myself. Try not to be resentful. I told my H last week that I hoped he didn't wake up and find himself in the position I did last January. He said that he didn't think anything could hurt him right now. I think that pretty much sums up their mental state. Nothing hurts them, but they forget, even though we have been strong through all of this, we still hurt.

[wed2alien]

Happy Thanksgiving to all,

I know this can be sad day for many as our partners are in MLC. I hope I can offer some hope, some insight to maybe what the other side looks like. I know I always wanted to know what MLCers act like, what they say and think as they exit the tunnel, which I think my H is doing.

I don't know how to describe it, other than his perspective on the whole "replay" stage is different and things like denial, anger, lying, OW have all subsided as he has calmed down. Like he can view it from a distance or from afar and see just what it was and what he did to his family. He actually has insight into his behavior and actions whereas he didn't when he was with OW. And this has lasted for months unlike the "glimpses" he had for the past 2 yrs.

We don't talk about it a lot, his final awakening being in May of this year after 2 yrs of replay and many more leading up to it.

He has VERY gradually become more involved in our home, family, routine, and the day to day problems that come with life (carpooling kids, kids schedules and athletics, school life and grades, house repairs that need to be done, involved in finances and bills, etc). I had still "sheltered" him from some problems that I was afraid would overwelm him as his high stress job, long hours traveling, seem to be all that he could handle. Just normal household problems, (appliance repairs, kids discipline, etc).

Anyway, the last week we have had 2 cars have problems, one major that will be very expensive to fix. I could see the worry on his face, worried how we were going to pay for it, the other bills we have etc. It scared me as I was afraid he would want to "run" from responsibility and problems like he has done before, regret his decision to come home. He used to verbalize how he just wanted to run away, to only have himself to worry about.

We went to dinner last night and I brought this up, something I would have never done before. I got tearful as I told him I get fears that he wished he had divorced me, that it would have been easier for him to just pay a monthly check for child support, he could be free of all these "family" hassles that come with life and kids.

For the first time since all this started, he said that he doesn't think that, that the sacrifices and worries are worth it to have us in his life. And his eyes showed that he was sincere, that he wasn't just saying it to try to convince himself that he felt that way. He even has a semi positive outlook on our bills.

So our fears must take a long time to subside, just as it must take the MLCer a long time to "feel" things again, for their spouse and family. We just have to remember to not let their down moods bring us down. I guess that is why PMA is so important for us to have. They need to see optimism in us.

Sorry if this it too long, but I still look for signs he is progressing and I guess he is overall, though some days it doesn't seem like it. Any glimmer of hope that I see, helps keep in this game of MLC I guess.

So keep this in mind, this Thanksgiving.

wed2alien

[yellowrose]

Wed

Wonderful, wonderful...Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!

I am glad your h has finally gotten it. I know mine will too one day. Time and patience. This is something you have shown through it all.

Y

[a new 2moro]

That is truely wonderful that your H has come home. My H is still in the affair , still in replay and I am faced with having to file for D to save me financially.....after wanting so desperately to stand for my M. He wants me to get a job to help pay the bills while there is still a 3rd person in our marriage. I told him just yesterday, I would if he got rid of the 3rd person in our marriage. He cant afford 2 places because I kicked him out....I reminded him I did that because he brought that 3rd person into the marriage...his choice.....so what do i do? I did so NOT want a D. This is coming down to an ultimatum which is not healthy for the MLCer who is still deep in replay. He was in counseling but stopped....no $$ he said. I told him less $$ on OW and he could afford it. Replay has gone on for 9 months so I am a year plus behind everyone.....maybe 2

[Elliecat]

wed2 I read your post with interest. I don't know if you are familiar with my thread but h suddenly did a u turn and didn't want a divorce or to lose me from his life. We have a cottage next door and he is currently living there so he isn't completely back home yet. We spend a lot of time together, talk on the phone etc but he is emotionally still very detached. Your comments on very slow progress hit home to me too. He is always pleased to see me and spend time etc but anything vaguely intimate is a definite "no no". Sometimes I feel so rejected but I have to remind myself that 4 weeks ago we were on the verge of divorce. He admits to being in a very comfortable place and doesn't want to move from it. I guess I just have to be patient.

[wed2alien]

PWS, and Elliecat,

I will read your threads and post there when I can. My home computer is broken, have to order part, so it may be out for a week. I can only post at work.

But it sounds like you all are doing great in dealing with MLC. The tunnel is very long and each spot seems to need a little different approach to make it through.

Just remember patience. I used to look for progress in every comment, every action, every day. Now I know that it takes looking back 6 months at a time to see the changes/progress. SSLLLOOOWWWW does not even begin to describe it.

Elliecat, my H and I discussed D many times, the last time he even had the papers and was one day from filing before he realized that wasn't what he wanted!!

So many similarities among MLCers!!

wed2

[aid]

wed,
Thanks for stopping by my thread for the gread advice. It's always nice to hear from someone who has been through the trenches and sees light at the end.

[kaydeekay]

wed2

My H and I have been separated off/on for past 2 years. I've come to realize that he is in MLC. My H and OW were together about 10 months and have been apart for nearly a year. There were other women, I believe 2 and I guess they were just "emply relationships."

H and I have talked about divorce so many times and have actually filed but failed to follow through so it was dismissed. H is now living with a mutual friend of ours.

H has begun counseling and I have noticed a little change. Last week we had lunch together (the first one in 1.5 years!). H opened up to me and showed me emotions. H said he would like to work on us but it would be a slow process.

My H told me that every time he would feel himself getting closer to me he would get scared and run off. Is this a normal behavior in an MLCer?

[hopefloats7]

kdk,

I would love for you to open a thread about what your H has told you as he comes out of this crisis. If, that is, you are so obliged to share.
For instance, can you elaborate on him coming closer, then running? Did he tell you why this happened; what his thoughts were? I think I may have experienced something like this about a week ago; my H has been in crisis for a good 18 mo. now.
Would love to hear more, as I'm sure others would, too.
Thank you.