MLC over??

[Elliecat]

wed2 I know so much what you say about no passion etc. Hang on in there. All we can do is go by our gut feelings. Take care and just keep reminding yourself that it isn't you.

[job]

Wed,
You may want to try to locate in the archives the postings from DebM. She was an inspiration to many when her h returned home and her insight may help you along the way.

Good luck and best wishes.

[brandnewday]

WED,
You are not 2nd best.
Your Husband did not "settle" for you.
He is still walking around with guilt and shame and it will take time.
This was one of my concerns also, and now my H is trying to make sure that I don't feel like 2nd best.
But I had to tell him how I felt because he is not a mindreader.
Anyway, enjoy the holidays as a "couple"
Blessings,
XXX

[wed2alien]

Lissett,

Actually, I feel more like buying shoes now than I have in a long time. I am looking for a pair of dressy black high heels. A real expensive pair!! (which is about $80 for me!!) Just in time for the holidays!!

I could be talked into a pair of boots too!!

Shoes, shoes, shoes!!

wed

[wed2alien]

I just thought of something else that shows that these MLCers are in some kind of time warp or something.

Tonight my H was looking for something of his that had sat in the same place on this desk in our dining room. It was a special bottle of whisky in a gift box that someone gave him for Christmas 1-2 yrs ago.

Well tonight he wanted to drink it for his sore throat and couldn't find it, so of course he accused me of moving it, kept calling me at work and asking where it might be, why did I move it, etc. (even though he is coming out of the fog, a lot of things are still my fault!!)

I reminded him that he has moved out and moved back to our house at least 4 times in the past 2 yrs and maybe HE could have taken it with him to one of his apartments he has lived in.

Well low and behold, he calls me about 15 minutes later and he had found it in one of his boxes from his apt that is still on our screened porch since he moved home!! ( I refuse to unpack him again!!)

Anyway, it was like the past 2.5 yrs never happened, that he never left home, that that whisky should be where he put it last year!!

He had done or said other things that make it sound like he just totally missed the past 2.5 yrs. That fog is REALLY thick!!

wed2

[PositivelyListening]

Hi Wed,

I starting reading your threads when I first came on the BB in January, and I am so happy and grateful to see you back. It has been you and a few others like you that have been standing for your marriages, that had me convinced that it was possible to get through this MLC thing. Still, even now, I think MLC is the weirdest thing and I have such a hard time believing it is possible for these scripts to be repeated and these patterns to continue in the lives of all of these different people. I have loved your posts, and have learned a lot from you. I would appreciate it if you could keep an eye on my sitch as I know I will need the support! I estimate that I am at least a year behind you and at least 6 months behind yellowrose, but of course there are still unique things going on in terms of timing and style with each MLCer! I love my H and am here for the long haul, so would appreciate the company

I am so happy for you that your H is back. I think it is true that your H still has guilt and shame, and maybe even some denial. So it will be hard for him to embrace you fully yet. I read on someone's thread once that the WAH found his LBW's diary after he returned, and reading that, crying with emotion, he realized what had really happened and what he had done. Your H may not be there yet, not ready to face it all. Lucky he realized that he belongs at home with you, that is really important right there. Just keep being patient and loving (as I know you have been!) and things will keep improving. I have a write-on board in my house, that says "Every day in every way, things are getting better and better". I wrote it big and pretty with lots of flowers Just having that as a reminder has helped me each day. And it is truly amazing how much better it has gotten this year. And you! Your story is an inspiration! And it is great that you still have your humor about it all

[wed2alien]

PL,

Gee, I wish I felt like an inspiration today. Just having a day where I feel H will never be totally out of MLC, even if replay is over. I look for his internal changes but sometimes only see old habits, irritability, not communicating emotions or feelings,etc. I don't feel very loved or desired right now even if he is home.

Time to read DB/DR again I guess. Somedays I just feel alone in this marriage and am just tired of feeling unloved.

In his irritable mood tonight, he spoke rudely and disrespectful to me and when I called him on his behavior (in a quiet and calm way) he was so defensive, totally turned it around like I made no sense. All I wanted was him to acknowledge my feelings of hurt when he uses a negative, parental tone talking to me.

It felt like old conversations, before replay, and that made me uncomfortable. We haven't spoken since, I am at work but we have left messages back and forth.

He seems incapable of hearing my needs (you know his needs/her needs) though he has told me his and I work on meeting them. He never wants to hear that I need nice personal conversation from him,( not just about kids and his job) maybe a hug and some physical touch (he still can't kiss me, but ML is OK!? Kissing is too intimate for him!!)

So am I just to supress my needs? I am then afraid I will get resentful and have a MLC myself. Sometimes I am just tired of being the only one working on this M. He feels just my him moving home that should be enough!!

Advice anyone?

Wed2

[DavidA]

Hi Wed2,

I'm probably 6 months behind you but have been giving alot of thought to how to handle the situation and emotions when waxw returns. I envision it as a reverse process of all the scenarios of the past. Growing back together again will not happen by magic or over night. I fear we are in for many emotional abuses yet to come as the mlc'er re-grows up ( if they were ever grown up to begin with ) and begins to understand all the important factors of making themselves happy first and then understanding what it will take to make us happy and secure in our relationships with them.

My waxw has seen a divorce lawyer to divorce the om and has slipped back into depression but is still communicating with me. She likes to use music to describe her feelings for people. 2 nights ago she called me crying, whispering from the ladies room in a sports bar to tell me about her visit with the lawyer. Wanted me to listen to 2 songs. One, her feelings about the om ( Addicted / Kelley Clarkson ) and one for me ( My Wish, Rascal Flatts ).

Addictions are very powerful wether they be emotional or chemical are not easily defeated or ever completly goten rid of. The majority of humans, including myself, can't shake an addiction alone. We all need help and we all need to understand what goes through the addicts mind and that it's not always vindictive behavior directly pointed at us but the addiction controling their lives.

The short definition: If you care be patient and put on your armor. The bombs may have stoped but the bullets will keep flying for a while. My 2 cents worth.

Thought for the week: Don't be a turkey, eat one instead ! TPPPL, DaveA

[yellowrose]

Wed

You know when my h was home, he did the same. The was okay some times but I still didn't feel the love from him. I mean he would hug me and not stand still anymore but I didn't feel like he was totally here.

I guess it takes a while for they settle in again. I hope my h comes around again and is willing to recommit to our M and get rid of the ow.

Y

[wed2alien]

David,

Thanks for the wise advice. I think everything you said is true, especially going from bombs to bullets.

That is why I need to come here from time to time, to get the perspective back to keep my armor strong.

The reverse process must be how it happens. My H has said several times that I expect him to jump from from A to Z (meaning from OW to me) without going through the other letters. I guess that is why the process is so long. I guess we are at the letter K!! Still a long way to go.

I think it is a testament to your standing and how you have interacted with your XW that she still calls and confides in you. That connection must still be there for her, however buried it is. Your patience is an example for us all.

Keep hanging in there and I will too. I can feel my PMA coming back from just posting and reading here for a few days!!

wed2