Not sure if I am officially piecing yet....

[keepingthefaithbb7]

want2bmarried,

It is obvious that your H is confused. You need to detach from his confusion until he can make a decision. Otherwise I think you are just going to continue to feel the pain. Next time he wants to hook up tell him no thanks and you can't do it anymore. mrs is right about having respect for yourself. H and I were still having sex after he left, but I started to feel used and cheap after awhile. I told him I deserved better. It made H feel bad when I said this, but he knew I was right. Since that night we have not been intimate. I miss him like crazy , but I also know that I felt so disrespected when H was cake eating! You need to do what you feel is right for you. It would be different if your H wanted to reconcile and you were having sex, but b/c he says one thing and then changes him mind. He is definitely confused and it would do him good to feel what it is like not to have you. Maybe this would be a wake up call for him! Unfornately it wasn't for my H, but he had Ow ( didnt know it at the time) This is why he didn't miss being with me anymore.

KTF7

[want2bmarried]

HMMMM....I don't think I am piecing anymore...

He is confused. All thru this separation he does things without thinking. He left in a huff. Things were going along ok and we were talking and then one day he got mad about something and then filed. Then he sat on the papers for 2 weeks, got mad again and then gave them to me...the list goes on and on.

I have to protect myself and be ready for the next time.

[want2bmarried]

Well, I am still angry but starting to get really down. I am so lonely. How do you love someone so much and hate them for what they do at the same time? He is probably the cruelest person I have ever met. No regard for anyones feelings but his own. I wrote alot in my journal this afternoon.
I set some short term goals. I would do longer ones, but I really don't feel like I can right now. Some are stalkerish, but I am getting really bad and obcessive about it and it does me no good.
Short term goals:

-No calling or texting.
-If/when he calls or texts I will not buy into his crap of lies.
-No drive by's (that is the hard one as he does live close and its so easy to check to see if he is home)
-No sex. He doesn't deserve it without commitment.
-Look at my future without him in a good way. More opporunity, less drama
-Look at the potential single men that I can maybe someday date. This one I need when I feel hopeless and that I will be eternally single and alone.

Sorry for venting again. Thanks for the help.

[keepingthefaithbb7]

want2bmarried,

I think those are great goals! I hope I didn't discourage you about your sitch! I know how you feel b/c I too love and hate my H at the same time. This is called unconditional love. Something the MLCer knows nothing about! If you want to stand for your M just keep DBing, but part of it is detaching. Unless you can let your H go and detach from all his drama , he will not return. As hard as it is , you must let him go on his journey alone.
When he is ready he will come to you, until then GAL and work on yourself.

Everyone here keeps telling me - "become the kind of woman a man would be a fool to leave!" If this doesn't get his attention I'm not sure what will

KTF7

[brandnewday]

I think that you need to try and understand that this is not about you.
Your Husband needs to sort things out and until you step out of the way and allow him to see that you are truly moving on in your life he will not be phased at all.
You do need to be kind and respectful to him.
MLC'ers can not handle angry confrontations.
You need to remain calm so that you can avoid being baited into a fight.
You need to stop the cake-eating but NOT as a punishment, more as a boundary for yourself.
He needs to see that you have some self respect and will no longer be treated as a doormat.
You can do this with your actions, not your words.
Just take one day at a time for now.

[want2bmarried]

Thank you KTF and BND. No, you didn't discourage me before. I know all of this about the sitch. It seems pretty hopeless anyway. I have put myself in this position over and over again. And each time I swear I won't do it again, but a few phone calls, nice texts, great words and great sex gets me right back.

I did make it all day yesterday without one drive by. I literally have to go a bit out of my way not to. His street is just one block over where I drive to go home.

I don't know if I told you all what my T said about my relationship with H. It is an addiction. I am addicted to him. I find that rather ironic as my H has that addiction to Rx pills and now more and more with alcohol. So I am addicted to him. Right now I am in the withdrawl phase and its hard. Then he gives me a little fix, then i withdraw again. And like the drug addiction, the withdrawl phase is the hardest, but once you reach the other side you are so much better. I need to get there.

My son13 who heard him here the other night asked me if he was coming back. I felt so bad. I said as of right now no he isn't. I tried to perk it up with we will be fine and happy either way, etc. But his eyes looked sad. I think partly because he does love H, but partly because I think they are so sick and tired of me being up and down depending on what my H does. I am a pretty readable book. I don't hide emotions well.

Thank you for your words. Please keep them coming. I check this board all day. When I am down and weak especially.

Hugs to you.

[keepingthefaithbb7]

want2bmarried,

My C told me that the reason I am having such a hard time letting go of H is b/c he is so controlling. I was H's doormat and had to have most everything his way. I never saw myself as a doormat in my R with H until the C pointed it out to me. She said that this is why I can't let go. I am so used to having H there to make all the decisions.

I remember my d7 asking when her daddy was coming back home. It broke my heart. Whenever d would ask H the same question he would say to her that he wasn't ready yet. H didn't know what to say to here He let her think for a long time that he would be back b/c he didn't have the heart to tell her the truth. D doesn't ask anymore
It is a shame that the WAS can't put their kids first and think about what is best for them instead of going all crazy and turn into a selfish b*stard! My parents divorced when I was younger and it really does affect a person for the rest of their lives. It's too bad that our H's can't see this. Right now they only see themselves.

KTF7

[want2bmarried]

Update:

Nothing new from WAH. Haven't heard from him since he told me he wants his "space".

I have not driven by one time in two days. Thats a big deal for me. It's been hard and I have to drive a bit out of my way to not do it, but I have fought off the urges. I have to keep telling myself "who cares what he is doing. It doesn't matter anymore".

Yesterday and last night were really lonely. My kids were with thier dad and I had alot of time on my hands. I spent alot of time on the computer looking things up. I did have a hard conversation with my mom again. I really don't want to do anything for Thanksgiving. My kids will be with thier dad and I don't feel like going to my moms and pretend I am happy. It just seems that if my kids are not there I shouldn't force myself to do that right now. Seems like a big effort. My family does not know the entire sitch with my WAH (drugs, anger, flopping) and I don't want to deal with it. My siblings lives are perfect and they have never been in my shoes so I will end up getting that "you are better off anyway, move on and be happy, this is the best thing to ever happen to you" advice. Needless to say, my mom is not happy with me. Great more stress and guilt.

Today I am going to the local college and taking the assesment test. I want to start taking a class or two starting next semester. I have never worked and been a SAHM. It may take me many years to achieve my goal, but I want to start. Financially I hope I have enough time to get thru school before I have to go to work. I only want to start off with one or two classes a semester. I still have 3 kids at home and this is a big transition for them as well and to be honest they are a little concerned about me leaping out into the world. They only know me as being home with them.

Another day to be strong....

[keepingthefaithbb7]

want2bmarried,

I am really proud of you for not driving by your H's. I know it must be very tempting. I am lonely when my kids are at their dad's too. You have to find things to do though, otherwise your mind will wander and next thing you know you will be feeling sad and missing your H. I think you should go somewhere on Thanksgiving to help keep your mind off of things. Can you go to a friend's? I understand not wanting to be around your family b/c they aren't really going to support you on saving your M. My family all say that it is over and I need to accept it and move on. I know I have to move on and detach , but I will not believe it is over. How can anyone know what the future brings? I don't like being around people that discourage my dream of H and I reuniting. Maybe we won't , but without faith nothing is possible!!!

Does your H show any concern for you b/c of the holiday?
Did he ask what you were doing? My H hasn't even shown any concern . All that matters to him is that he is spending Thanksgiving with his family ( not mine anymore according to H) and is going to have a nice day! My family is all in FLorida so H's family was always mine too.
I have spent the past 10 or 11 years spending the holidays with H's family. Since we split up this has all changed
His family feels bad so we try to get together on are own time during the holidays.

KTF7

[want2bmarried]

I am not sure what I will do for Thanksgiving. I am not into it whatsoever. No, my H hasn't even asked what my plans are. I don't think he really cares. He will be with his kids and his family. The people who support his assinine behavior.

I went to the college and took my assesment test and will start 2 classes in January. I wish it was now. I was so proud of myself earlier and actually hardly thought of H all morning when I was doing all of this. When I was driving home I thought of what his reaction will be when hears. Im sure he will be angry like he did about the tennis and the gym. In his mind its a way of me moving on and possibly finding someone else. But what the heck, he doesn't want me. He doesn't want me, but doesn't want me to find anyone either. So stupid.

Im back home and started thinking again. Getting sad. I need to keep busy. I think wayyyy too much when I have too much time on my hands.