Dear Five - Your sich sounds a lot like mine. My wife is very controlling and will fight dirty when she's not getting her way. While, I am no expert, I do empathies with you and understand how frustrated you must feel. If you want to know more about my sich, please read my post, "Postponing divorce" in this section.
Here is what I am beginning to do about my situation. First I am focusing on me being the best person I can be - This is greatest gift I can give to my children and myself, regardless of how things turn out. This means treating my W civil manner - but more importantly it means setting boundaries. The other day she sent me a nasty e-mail attacking me for all sorts of things (some legit, some 10 years old,i nterpreeting my motives, generalizations, etc.).
I began to respond (the usual way) trying to sort out the allegations, defend, counter-attack, etc. Then it hit me how "cheeseless" my natural response is. So, I trashed that response and I nicely responded to her that I understood how hurt and angry she is and that there is legitimacy to a lot of her comments. However, I said I would not respond to them until she re-phrased her letter using "I statements". I have not heard back from her and that was early last week.
Last weekend we had a pleasant face - to - face conversation about our situation. Before we had the conversation, I had asked her when the appropriate time to have such a discussion was and we scheduled it. In other words it was not spontaneous - I think this is important. We conversed for about 25 minutes (I did my very best to be a good listener) and after we had talked about everything I told her I thought it was a good time to end the discussion (quit while we're on a good note). I think it's important to set limits on these conversations and, as a boundary technique, agree to stop if things get too heated.
In short, I am finally beginning to feel pleased about how I am handling things. It takes work and never comes naturally to me.
Work on yourself (I know real change does not happen overnight). Set appropriate boundaries. Treat your spouse civilly. You may not change the relationship, but you will feel better about yourself, knowing that you are doing the right things.
