Quote: I see the problem is that I first must overcome my fear of creating this dynamic, while remembering that I still have a right to express my needs and desires. I must keep in perspective that just because I have needs and desires and preferenced, W has no obligation to fulfill them. That's her choice and cannot be forced. So, I must remember to not attach any expectations of outcome to my expressions, but instead offer my expressions in the interest of open communication and letting go of things that could turn to resentments of I keep storing them up. This is a very fine line. I have to release the expressions of desire and need, but not expect them to be met, and do so so it's clear to W what I need, but accept that it's her choice to respond.
You've really got me thinking about this one. I have such a problem with this. I think what have the most difficulty in is attaching expectations to the outcome of my expressions. I’m most always disappointed and frustrated when I do that. Which then causes me to clam up and stop expressing my needs and desires until they turn to resentments and then the I express them more as demands which causes more strife. It’s a vicious cycle, that I’ve GOT to break!!
I think one of the big problem is my H and I really lack emotional intimacy. We do maintain wonderful physical intimacy which I’m truly grateful for, but I hunger for the emotional intimacy. I long for it, I need it. I don’t know how to obtain it. We’ve never really had it. We have a friendship and comradery as you and your wife do, but it’s not to the core. I’m such a open person an my H is not at all, I can even remember once early on in our R when I tried to share something very personal and he asked me to stop. I started to more closed after that even though it’s not my nature. I think I was afraid of H’s response if I was too open. He is very closed when it comes to emotions and personal thoughts and feelings. It’s very hard to deal with especially now, dealing with all that we are. I just don’t know how to gain that intimacy. It is definitely a stumbling block in rebuilding the M. It’s very frustrating.
I’ll have think on JJ’s suggestion.
I think your doing really good Z, you have such a great attitude and a lot of wisdom. I really like your take on things. Thanks for you advice on my thread by the way. I think you are right on target with why it was such a blow-out. I just wish I’d read your advice sooner. Oh well. H and I had a good night regardless. I guess it’s blown over.
