I think you've made an important discovery about talking. There is a very fine line between attempting to communicate and pursuing, and I have found it's all about our ego, our need to be heard, our need to "get even".
I found it so easy and gratifying to "let loose" and get all my stuff off my chest in the beginning. She just withdrew more. Then, I did the opposite and tried going "dark" as so frequently advocated on the board, especially in Newcomers. I found "dark" flat out didn't work in my sitch. In fact it was read as "indifference" (W's term) to our R, to her affair, to what ever she did. It took my respond to her hiring a lawyer and threatening to file to break down the wall of silence between us. Exhasperated, I shouted at her that if she filed, she would have to leave, since I refused to live with OM's girlfriend any longer. Can you imagine that she said "I didn't know you felt that way..."? I then figured I had gone just a little too dark, even though we still lived in the same house...
I struggle now with questions... I've learned to take a "lawyerly" approach to questions... Don't ask any question you don't already know the answer to, because you might hear something you don't want to. So, I replace questions with requests, or "I" statements about how I'd like to have something be. I'm not sure how well this is working, because I've lost the probative quality of questions, particularly when trying to find out what she needs from me.
It's still a work in progress. But, I am able to communitate what I'm thinking about, and she sees that I'm NOT indifferent, though it's clear that I'm often reluctant to bring some things up. What's interesting is that it's also clear then that if she wants me to know something, she has to tell me. It's beginning to become very clear to me that it's a lot safer for me to open up, and she is more and more receptive to new items. At the very least, it's beginning to be a healthier, more open communication. Still a ways to go, but it's getting better. I do see a snowball effect starting. Key, I think, is to be respectful of her feelings, of her space, still letting her know my needs and thoughts while avoiding placing any responsibility for my feelings and thoughts on her.
