Here's another way to look at it. My WAW has said she doesn't want to be with me, moved out, and filed for D. Because of the PA, I have Biblical grounds to split. So as far as I'm concerned, I'm single (at least in terms of evaluating the situation). As a result, when I look at the M, I'm looking at whether or not I would want to be married to my W.
One makes that determination based on a variety of factors that, generally, include such things as "Is my W is the kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with?", "Does she share the same values as I do?", and "Do we share the same goals?" These are the same kinds of questions any single person would be asking when contemplating marrying someone.
In my case, I know that right now the answer to all three is no and, thus, the answer to the most important question is also no. I don't believe there is any "work-around" for this and, thus, I am not concerned with "tak[ing] care of" or "fix[ing]" anything. My interest isn't in fundamentally changing my WAW nor do I believe she should.
Instead, I seek only to know who she is. I know the person she once presented herself to be (this might have been really her...or it might have been a "mask") and I know who she is right now. The key question is this, which one is she *really*? I believe we must both know the answer to this fundamental question before anything else can be effectively accomplished.
She is not aware of my "expectations" nor have we discussed them in joint counseling. This is for two reasons. First, they are not expectations. I do not expect my WAW to share my values or be someone she is not. This would be cruel (and impossible to sustain anyway). Second, I don't believe she has worked through enough of her personal issues to know for sure who she is yet (which would make such a discussion pointless).
It's kind of hard to explain this without sounding like all I'm concerned about are "her problems". But that's not my point. The short version is simply that before we make the decision as to what to do next, I think we ought to know who we are and what we want. Without that basic foundation how can anything else be built?
