Thanks for the comments. Good, fair, and thought-provoking questions. There are two things that I think make our approaches different.
1. Counseling. Without it, I think I'd see things differently. Without it, I think you'd be correct about the fact she wouldn't have enough information. But in my case, she has a guide to help her look at the issues and address them. That means I not only don't have to...I probably shouldn't. She could get it from me, but if it's available via an unbiased third party, I think that's better and she's more likely to accept it (if I said it, she'd figure there's an agenda).
2. There's a difference between strategic and tactical differences. My concern is the strategic and by stragetic, I mean fundamental differences such as:
A. Spirituality. She grew shallow, avoiding spiritual discussions and going to church not to participate or for the sermon, but to see and be seen. And that's not even talking about the PA, its length, or the statements she made with regard to it. I'm into meaningful sermons, doing the right thing (even if it doesn't feel good), and studying. Not hard to see a disconnect there.
B. Happiness. She looks for happiness outside herself in things and people. She is desperate to have others "like" her (even me...which is hard to fathom given what she's done to me). She also looks to things (new clothes, new cars, etc.) for happiness. Looking back, I think when she married me, she thought my role was as "Cruise Director" for her life. She is more interested in getting what she wants. I'm more interested in the simple life, wanting what I have, and focusing on appreciating the blessings of my life, not on the things I think are missing. Again, kind of a disconnect.
C. Character. She views me (as she has stated in the past) as "too principled" and "a better person than [she] is". She has said this not out of respect, but out of disdain. Another big disconnect.
D. Selfishness. Ms require sacrifice on the part of both people. I sacrificed things of my own accord in order to strengthen the M and never resented my W for them. She sacrified things because she thought she had to and then spent the subsequent years resenting me.
E. Expectations. I recognize that I'll never find someone that is perfect for me. There will be things I don't like about every woman I may meet and there were things I didn't like about my WAW. Because I didn't expect perfection, I didn't feel cheated when my W wasn't and, thus, never looked outside the M. My WAW is under the impression that you can have it all. That it's possible to find a person who's a party animal but also responsible, that spends money freely but is also financially sound, that does the right thing most of the time, but not when you don't want to. If she holds on to this, I will never be able to meet the standard (nor will anyone else) and my M will constantly be at risk.
These aren't things you "work on" or "fix" as a couple. These are personal issues and values. My WAW wasn't always this way (or at least I didn't think so). But that's the point to not encouraging anything right now. She needs to decide if the kind of person she is right now is what she wants to be in the future. If it is, then we have such fundamental differences, a M would be nothing but torture for us both. If this is a kind of mid-life-crisis detour, then there may be a future for us. What I'm waiting for at this point is progress on this front.
If, for the sake of argument, it is a detour and she takes a look at her life in the context of counseling and decides she wants to get back to her roots, then that changes everything. At that point, we can start talking about the tactical stuff like how I can be more emotionally connected, how we can meet our sexual needs better, how we can communicate issues better, how she can keep her work in context, how often we need to have a "date night", how we deal with the PA/OM, or what have you.
This is the part I think you're referring to. I don't disagree with your comments, but I think I may be a step further down than you at this point.
