You're welcome. I don't have that much wisdom to share...but what little I do, I'm happy to pass along to you.
I hear you about the "reasoning" thing. I tried it too...with about as much success as you had. At that time, I didn't realize that logical part of my WAW's brain had long since shut down and emotion was firmly in the driver's seat.
I also know what you say about the "lull". I knew we were going through a low point, but everyone I knew said every M goes through one (and often more). As a result, like you, I figured we'd get/work through it somehow. I had no idea how far out the door my WAW was!
If you're talking about stipulations...then you've moved beyond the initial "I want him/her back no matter what" stage. That's probably good. Ultimately, I think you'll come to the realization that the only way you can probably put things back together is if both parties come to the table of their own free will and having personally developed enough that stipulations are not required.
I know that's a fine distinction, but I think it's an important one. No one can function for long by living to a set of stipulations. You can keep it up for a while, but if the change isn't coming from inside, eventually the facade will crack and things will start to fall apart. You'll know if/when it's right to put things together because your WAH will work to come up with strategies to meet your needs (and you, his) without the need for either of you to stipulate tactical methods.
For example, my WAW had a PA with a co-worker. One of my requirements for getting back together is her leaving her job and finding another (I don't think I can trust her in that environment...especially since many of her co-workers knew of, and condoned, the A).
I'm not making that a stipulation, mind you. Rather, it will be one of the signals that says my WAW is ready to take the M seriously and invest in it. If she is, she'll understand she has violated my trust and that she will have to take steps to rebuild it and that this is a logical step in so doing. It will come from her, meeting my need for trust...not from me telling her that if she wants to reconcile she'll have to leave her job.
No, I haven't read "Stop Your Divorce". But it sounds like the author is on the right track. The "emotional" vs "legal" divorce is an interesting concept (thanks for sharing it with me). I think it is true that some people emotionally divorce (i.e. disconnect, not just disengage) before the legal divorce and some "hang on" (so to speak) for months or even years after the legal divorce.
When you succumb to the emotional divorce may be dependent upon your satisfaction with the M near the end, your willingness to work on leaving a door open, your level of patience, and your tolerance for pain. At any rate, I passed the idea along to tigerleland in his own thread as I think it might apply to him right now.
Ramble on, my friend (I do too). As it often does in Oregon during the winter, it is raining and gloomy. A natural mirror of my own mood. While I have been "down" this season, I have not been nearly as sad or weepy as I'd expected and consider that movement forward. My best to you. Have a very merry Christmas.
