OK. Now to your sitch. I'm glad to hear from you. I'd wondered if you were doing OK. A lot has happened to you and it sounds like it's been tough. I'm sorry to hear it.
That having been said, I think you're running ahead of yourself. If I understand correctly, you're barely a month in since the D was filed and you're into pretty heavy R talk, reasoning, letters, books, the works. I think it's way (way!) too early for that. I can't say what effect it had, but if I had to bet, I'd bet (at the very least) it didn't move you forward. The fact you haven't heard anything back from your H may be an indication of that.
From your comments, you don't think DBing was working so, by your own admission, you took another route. Again, I can't say whether DBing was working or not...but if you're e-mailing R questions, having R talks, etc. I don't think you've done the LRT long enough to be able to determine this with any level of certainty.
For example, look at my sitch. I'm over two months since W filed for D and I'm barely considering talking to her. I've been darker than a moonless night for eight weeks and this Monday (two months to the day the D papers were drawn up) was the *first* time my WAW admitted that she might have made some poor decisions (and even then, she was probably speaking only of the PA...not the D).
With regard to the D, specifically, give him what he wants. You can't prevent this from happening and as long as you do, you're the problem...the thing that stands between him and what he thinks he wants. That makes you the enemy and that's not what you want.
When my W filed and had me served, I was in the shower and couldn't get to the door. I guessed what was up (but didn't know) and called her attorney. He didn't want to talk to me so I told his secretary that I thought he'd tried to have me served and that I would be at x from y to z and could be served there. He must have about dropped his teeth because he called me back directly and said my W had told him I'd fight being served. I said nothing could be further from the truth and that I'd be happy to accept service at a mutually convenient time/place rather than have a server chase me all over hell's half acre.
I also wrote a letter to my WAW telling her what I would be saying about our divorce to our mutual friends, that I tried to give her a good life and was sorry I failed to do so, and that I would not obstruct the D, would agree to any reasonable financial settlement, and would do nothing to prevent her from obtaining that which she so earnestly sought.
Then I went dark...real dark. Now I'm no longer the person who's making her life miserable. I'm not preventing her from getting what she wants. Now if she's unhappy about the D, she has only herself to blame. If she's sad about the holidays, she has to look in the mirror.
There's an old saying, "Be careful what you wish for; you might just get it". It's also common knowledge that we often want what we can't have. Make sure you put these to use *for* you...not against you. Protect yourself, but go along with the D. You can't stop it anyway...so turn it on its head.
I'm reminded of a story about a guy who was depressed and had tried to commit suicide several times...unsuccessfully. In the hospital, a minister asked him why he kept trying to kill himself and what he could do so he would stop trying. The man said he had nothing to live for and that he'd never stop trying. So the minister said, "OK. If you're that determined, then I'll help you. No one should die alone." And with that, he began to smother the depressed man. You can guess the end of this. Once he wasn't fighting everyone else to die, and someone began "helping" him get what he claimed he wanted, he suddenly began fighting for his life. I'm sure you can see the parallels.
Finally, getting served sucks. There's nothing like reading a document that starts with "John Doe vs. Jane Doe in the matter of dissolution of marriage" (or something to that effect). But don't look at it as the beginning of the end. True, it may be. But you have time to make changes (my changes *all* came after the D was filed). It is a bump in the road, but look at it as an opportunity to get down to the LRT and set some (very) small goals.
When you've gone dark and truly disengaged, you'll see things with clearer eyes. I have found this to be true and it sounds like I_Wanna_Make_It_Work is transitioning as well. It's a good place to be. When you and your WAH are both there, you can each make a conscious decision as to whether you want to save the M based on reason and objective evaluation...not out of desperate need and rejection. It's hard to see that from where you are, but trust me, you can get there and it will be a better place.
I think of you often and pray for you and your sitch. Please keep us up to date and give yourself a hug from all of us here.
Peace, patience, and strength to you through this holiday season.
