Don't worry...I'll talk about anything. Once you've been hurt to the core, you stop being afraid of anything else. In a way, it's rather liberating (but what a price to pay for liberation). Frankly, there's no longer any question I can think of that someone could ask that I would fear. So ask away!
Our joint counseling session last night was the toughest yet...at least for me. I started off by validating her desire to exit the M given her view of it. This was very difficult to do while also saying I saw it much differently and disagreed with her choice of response. But I think I made it.
Then I answered the counselor's question as to why I always seemed to be "on edge" in our sessions. The answer was, fear of my W. I'm not afraid of anything...so recognizing this AND saying it were in the top five hardest things I've ever done. But it's true. She represents such hurt and pain that being in her presence makes me afraid (in a kind of non-specific way) much as you would be fearful if you saw a neighbor who, every time you passed, punched you in the mouth.
At any rate, my WAW professed surprise at this (which is probably true), but we didn't linger on the topic as the counselor wanted to talk about the night we divided the pictures and Christmas ornaments.
I said it was the worst night of my life and that the only thing I saw from my WAW was anger, hatred, and an ice coldness that I'd never known her to be capable of. In turn, my WAW said she and her parents (who were with her) all knew I would be served with the D in 24 to 48 hrs. and didn't know what to do except to get her remaining things out of the house before I was served and "went crazy".
I truly don't understand this apprehension on their part considering I'd discovered the affair three weeks before and had helped my WAW pack her things and move out of the house. If I were going to "go crazy", I think I'd have done so long before then (but I don't think any of them were really thinking rationally at that point).
At any rate, my WAW said she was afraid she'd fall apart and wouldn't go through with it so she wanted to "be flat" through the whole thing but found she didn't know how to be flat and "so it probably came off as anger" (it certainly did!). She said she left as fast as she could (also true) and cried all the way back to her apartment.
This was a surprise for me on two levels. First, I didn't think she had a heart left with which to feel anything anymore...especially sadness. Second, I can't figure out how someone who feels *that* bad about something they are doing doesn't recognize that the feeling is often a warning that we may be doing something very wrong and that one ought to heed it...not ignore it.
In the discussion surrounding this, she stated that she'd made some very poor decisions this summer (I assume that means the PA, but maybe it means the D, or both, or something else entirely...who knows) and she doesn't know what to do now.
She also said that her folks are "messed up over this" and that the holidays have been very hard on her because as she shops, she sees things she would normally buy for me...but then realizes she can't. The latter has been so true for me as well and I validated by telling her so. It was all very hard, and painful, and sad, and horrible.
And yet, all good...right? Well, not so fast. I think she may harbor some feelings of love and caring somewhere in there and I agree that there is a slim chance the M can be saved. But I've been so focused on keeping my WAW from obliterating any hope of reconciling while we work on things, I haven't considered what to do if that happens.
I'm not trying to predict the future, I don't know what my WAW is (or is not) capable of now or in the future, and I don't know what her values are. But I can look at things she has said, choices and decisions she has made, and where she has focused her attention.
When I look at that, I see her interested in money, things, and her career (to the exclusion of nearly everything else). I see her choose infidelity, deceit, selfishness, and cruelty. These are not values I hold dear. I have always valued simplicity, honor, fidelity, devotion to family, being satisfied with what you have, self-sacrifice, spiritual growth, choosing happiness over resentment, etc.
They say where there's life, there's hope and as long as my WAW is breathing, there's a chance she will "come around". But these appear to be some fundamental differences and they are supported by statements she made before I discovered the PA such as "You're a better person than I am" (stated as an excuse for doing or saying something wrong), "You're too principled", "I can't be that person any more" (referring to the WAW I loved who *did* share these values with me), and "I don't think we want the same things any more".
So perhaps it's not too hard so see why I might be a bit pessimistic. I'd like to think she could have a spiritual re-awakening and recognize the importance of choosing love and choosing happiness. But these are big concepts to understand and she's trying to tackle all of them at the same time (along with some important self-esteem issues). That might be just a bit much to expect of one person who, herself, has claimed to be confused for several months now.
I'm not sure the term "hesitant" is quite right, but I am realistic about the chance that we can identify, work through, correct, and move beyond our problems at a pace that won't leave one of us behind and very little foundation upon which to rebuild the M.
Or perhaps I'm just in a glass-half-empty kind of mood.
