With regard to choosing a counselor, re-read the section starting on the bottom half of page 131 in DR (and also the "Well-meaning Therapists" section starting on page 29). The former will give you tips on what to look for and the latter will give you ideas on what to avoid.
As for determining if you have one that's right, just ask (so to speak). For example, ask your or a prospective counselor (in an individual session) some key open-ended questions to elicit their philosophy. Examples might include:
"What marriages can't be saved?" (the answer should be something along the lines of "none, as long as physical, emotional, or substanced abuse is not involved.").
"Are you solution (or progress or goal) based/oriented?" (the answer should be yes with illustrations of how).
"Given my situation, what short-term goals would you have for me/us?" (the answer should be a couple of concrete things that mesh with your goals such as getting your husband involved in counseling).
"Have you had training specifically in couples therapy?" (the answer should be an unequivocal "yes").
"Are you familiar with Michele Weiner-Davis, her philosophy, or her books Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy? (a "no" answer isn't a deal breaker...but a "yes" would put you miles ahead).
I'm sure your counselor is fine, but if he's already stated he's not really a couples counselor, I'd ask a few hard questions. If s/hes going to be any help, your counselor doesn't have to be squarely in your corner (nor should s/he be), but s/he *does* need to be squarely behind saving the marriage. This person may ultimately have to put in as much effort as you and they're only going to be able to do that if they're truly committed to the concept.
As for your H just giving you "closure", try not to let it bother you. That's the only reason my WAW wants joint counseling too. I know what you're saying, though. It's a strange animal that can rip your heart out, grind it under their heel, and then be concerned you may not have "closure".
But remember that "closure" is more for their benefit than yours. If they can get you to agree that it's OK, maybe its for the best, or maybe they were right after all, they get the guilt-free escape they crave and another person (perhaps *the* one most important person) to validate their decision.
But don't do it. Understand their feelings, accept your failures, do the work. But don't agree that throwing away the marriage is an acceptable (let alone good) option or that using divorce as the easy way out builds a better character now or better relationships in the future.
Just get your H to go, even if he's only doing it for your benefit. Who knows what you might find out and who knows what he might discover when he's not looking.
OK, time to wrap this up. I'm pleased to hear of your friend's reconciliation. I'm sure you're happy for her in your head...but finding it harder not to be a bit jealous in your heart. I know the feeling. There are friends and acquaintences all around me who are getting ready to marry next spring/summer. They are full of the promise of a life filled with love and a future filled with hope. It only seems to bring my own loss into stark relief.
