Go ahead and vent, ramble, or what have you. This is the place to get your thoughts and feelings out in the open. They seem easier to deal with then, don't they? Of course, normally we'd be doing this with our spouses, but under the circumstances, most of us can't...or at least shouldn't.
By the way, I don't have a problem sharing this thread with you, but folks might not find you buried here under my thread. If you want more visibility (and probably more responses from other people), you might consider starting your own new thread with a review of your sitch and asking for advice. I'm early enough on in this whole thing that I can only offer help on the freshman parts of DBing. The more advanced stuff is beyond me right now.
At any rate, I know about the empty house thing. Friday nights we used to spend together. Now the house feels like a tomb. Last Friday night I forced myself to spend it alone for the first time since WAWs departure (before I was seeing friends or family). It was tough...but not as bad as I expected.
Like you, certain things make you miss the old times more than others. Funny, but they always seem to be the little things. For me, two things I miss are taking walks with my W and shopping with her. Now I do these alone and it just reminds me how much has been lost (for both of us).
I also know about going through everything in your mind over and over. In my case, because of the PA, everything (and I mean *everything*) took on new possible meanings. Some I could confirm, others I could not and probably never will be able to. But ultimately it's a dead end street because you may never know what your H was thinking, trying to do, or meant. In fact, he may never fully know or understand.
The WAS is often dealing with multiple problems and while it may be tempting to try and apply logic to the whole thing (I know that was *my* gut reaction), it may be they are being driven by emotions that defy logic. If that is the case, then trying to understand everything will be a frustrating and ultimately unfulfilling endeavor.
Personally, I've come to the place where I can give it up and deal with the immediate moment. I'm not worried about why something happened, or what it "meant", or anything like that. I look at my goals, evaluate what has transpired, and decide what response should be made that I think will move me closer to my goals. I don't know if there is anything else for me to do (given my sitch).
My heart aches for the way in which you found your H had left. I was "lucky"...for lack of a better word...in my sitch as I discovered my WAW was having a PA with OM just 48 hours before she was going to move out (I knew she was planning to go). While this hurt *a lot*, the shock of it was so great that I was numb for a couple of days so it wasn't quite the kick in the gut you had. Of course, after the numbness wore off, the pain was just horrible...but probably no greater than yours.
Like you, I'll never forget the night I found out my W had betrayed me. I now have four anniversaries. The date we first met, the date we got married, the date I dicovered she'd cheated on me, and the date she had the D papers served to me. I guess the only one left now is the date the D becomes final.
As to joint counseling, do you have a marriage-supporting counselor? If you do, s/he should be working with you to save the marriage (I assume you've read the sections in DR about therapists/counselors). I can't tell you what you should do in your sitch as I neither fully know it nor am I qualified to offer such counsel.
But I can tell you I've stayed with joint counseling (on an every-other-one basis...one joint, one individual, one joint, etc.). My WAW has already filed for D, but the best hope of getting anything resolved is for her to be involved at least a little bit (particularly since we're separated now). Most important, at this point she still wants to go.
I stick to the LRT, have gone dark (essentially), and am working to GAL. In individual counseling, I work on identifying my problems and developing methods for eliminating or mitigating them. In joint counseling, I let her and the counselor take the lead. That ends up meaning I take the blame for a lot of stuff, but if it keeps my WAW talking about things she couldn't deal with inside the marriage, then I think it's good for us both (though certainly more painful and hurtful on my end).
So before you can the joint stuff, I'd encourage you to give it serious consideration and to talk with your counselor (individually, of course) about it. See if s/he believes there is value in it.
Finally, just because a D is in the works doesn't mean you have to give up all hope. I'm very realistic about my chances (small to nil) and you should be too. But miracles can...and do...happen. Proof of that is in this true story (which transpired over roughly a year's period near two years ago).
An acquaintance of mine had gotten tired of her H. She thought he was the cause of their bad marriage and that to be happy, she had to get rid of him. She told him she wanted out and forced him to move out of their house. She filed for D and they split everything up (even selling the house and dividing the proceeds). It was all done and the only thing left was to sign the papers.
But a funny thing happened on the way to the D. My acquaintence began to realize that some of the problems they were having were *her* fault and that leaving her H wouldn't resolve all the things she had hoped.
One night they got together to sign the D papers and make it official. They did...and then spent all night crying about it. Each came to the conclusion that if they felt that bad, then maybe it wasn't the right thing to do.
So they began to talk, went to see their church pastor, began "dating" again, and ultimately remarried each other (now their "second" marriage each...but to the same spouse). They're now happy and getting better with additional counseling. Which just goes to show, you never really know what's going to happen until it does.
So be realistic, but don't lose faith. Keep working the best you can on the things you control and let God handle the rest. It's not easy (particularly for people like me), but I think it will prove worthwhile in the end.
