I've been lurking here for the last four weeks while my life has fallen apart as the result of a WAW. I'm posting now as "therapy", to chronical what's happened for my benefit (and perhaps the benefit of others) and to get thoughts and input from others who have been down the road a bit further than I.
Our R hadn't been that great for a couple years as my W devoted more and more of herself to her work. She told me she wanted to be more "social", but with her working four 10+ hour days, it was harder to do during the week and on the weekends when she was rested up (she doesn't work Fridays), I was wasted. In fairness, however, I should have tried harder here and I also should have more strongly encouraged her to adjust her work schedule such that I could accommodate better.
In turn, I kept telling her I was running out of energy trying to support us both emotionally (she gave her support to work and work-related friends, then came to me to recharge and left me nothing). Sadly, our sex life wasn't great so I couldn't use that to recharge either.
Finally, I warned her the well was running dry...but to no effect and near the first of the year when I had no more to give, I just shut down. When that happened, she checked out and stopped wearing her wedding ring (I didn't know the former had happened and didn't notice the latter).
By early summer, she was a GW...rarely home, always out partying, at dinner, with friends. If I said everything was OK and I didn't care what she was doing, I was "distant". If I said I cared and argued about it, I was "mean" and "didn't understand her". As things went on, 10:30pm, 11pm, midnight, 1:30am all became common times for her to arrive home. I was finding it difficult to cope with this and wasn't sure what was going on or what to do.
In late August, W said she wanted to move out to "get some space" and "figure some stuff out". I was glad to hear it. I thought this might be what she needed and her statements led me to believe it was a temporary (in months...but not years) thing. It also would get us out of a situation where she was regularly hurting me and I was having trouble keeping myself from responding in kind (though I mostly did).
A few weeks later she'd found a place and made plans to move in the first week of October. I was sick about it, but hopeful that this would help give us a kind of timeout. We had dinner the night of our anniversary and I asked her to consider what we could do. She was an emotional wreck and all over the place...except for not wanting what we had.
Near the end of the month, we met with a marriage counselor and a few days after that, I discovered evidence of a several-month PA with OM at her work. Just devastated. Never dreamed she would be capable of it (I'm still having trouble believing it). I confronted her and she lied about it...until I produced the evidence. Then she caved and admitted the whole thing. Found she'd been with him in our home 48 hours before our anniversary and talked with him just minutes before we sat down to dinner that night. My whole world was spinning out of control and I felt like I couldn't breath.
By that time she hadn't been sleeping in the house and after my discovery, I packed up her stuff and told her to get it the next day. I made it through that awful day...but then fell completely apart for the next several days. In our counseling session, she'd said I didn't love her or think she was attractive or desirable (none of which were true) so I figured I need to correct that.
I hadn't yet found this site and my attempts were probably seen as "pursuing". A week later she came to the house to pick up some remaining items and I asked what she was going to do. She said all the standard stuff. We'd changed, marrying me was a mistake, she loved me but wasn't *in* love with me, she couldn't come home and wasn't sure she could *ever* come home. This was all sounding more permanent than temporary and I pulled out all the stops, alternately reasoning and pleading. I called a few times...but thankfully not too many and I didn't engage in spying or other negative behaviors.
Of course, all this was to no avail. The only good thing was that weekend I discovered this site and set about making some changes. I did a mini-180 and told her I was tired of her blaming me for everything that had gone wrong (which she is still doing), that I would go to counseling and work on my problems but I wouldn't be her whipping boy, and that if she felt she had to leave, I wouldn't fight her.
Then I disengaged for a bit. She would call occassionally, but I'd keep them short and didn't initiate. One night, she came over to divide the pictures and Christmas ornaments. It was the hardest night (apart from discovering the affair) I've ever had. She was a whirlwind...too afraid to stop and think or feel anything.
At one point I asked her what we were doing. Her response was ice cold..."We are *so* over". It felt like the blood drained out of me. She cancelled our joint counseling session the next night and had me served with D papers the day after that. One month from what I thought was a troubled but stable marriage to the big D. It was all too much too fast.
Then I went dark. Just brief e-mail messages dealing with necessary topics such as splitting accounts, mail, attorneys, etc. and the occassional light note (such as someone I'd seen or something I'd done). No talk of her, the R, or much of anything else and *no* phone conversations.
She still want's to go to joint counseling so "I can understand why she abandoned the marriage" and so "we can part friends". She's not only burned several bridges, she's all but obliterated any trace of them so I'm dubious. Still, I'm going in the hope that I can get something from the exercise beyond a further twisting of the knife.
Staying dark for now and letting the lawyers do their thing. W seems intent on a D and the sooner the better. I've told her I'll go along with it as long as it's fair. At this point, I figure there's no point in postponing the inevitable. They say where there's life, there's hope and I do believe in miracles. But that's exactly what it's going to take. In my heart I've already said goodbye.
To those who have posted, thank you. I've read a lot and received encouragement from some and a real reality check from others. Both are, I suppose, necessary.
