I'm floating... Maybe that should be "walking on air". I'm in a cloud.
C session today. I've been really in a mood for many days now, due to the thing I mentioned earlier where I "caught" her in contact with OM. It's been bearing heavily upon me. In our situation, where the progress in re-developing both emotional and physical intimacy has been glacialy slow, I have found myself searching for reasons why, so I might change things I do to help speed things up. Searching for "things to do that are different" as it were... So, when I recently found 2 instances of she having "private" OM contact, I began to "assume" that was the cause of the slow progress. The contact I'm talking about was very innocuous, I noticed his name on her cell phone caller id, and a print-out of an email converstion between them. Still, it was contact, and an indication communication of private thoughts. Of a potentially continuing EA. So, my paranoia wondered.... "is there more going on?"
So, I got a chance to bring it up in C. I let loose more than I have ever before about my need for reassurance, for my doubts about her contact with him, and how hard it was for me to "bite my tongue" regarding contact with him, when I saw such slow progress in OR. I said I sometimes feel that while we are surely rebuilding OR, I feel that it's a house of cards that one breath from him could bring it crashing down.
W assured me, in presence of C, that the affair is over. Both PA and EA, and that he is "just a friend". That the two situations I mentioned were rare occurances, and that most contact was strictly in social group settings, and that other than occasional phone calls and emails, there was no private communication. She assured me that he was not an "advisor or confidant", as I mentioned I feared he might be. She did her best to assure me that she's back, and she's working on us, and on her issues with intimacy with us. She even went so far as to say that despite the lack of physical intimacy, she also wants it, but has issues and barriers. (didn't get into that, but it's at least out there....) She said she is working and wants to work on those issues.
So, C got us to both agree to talk more, to listen to each other, and to let each other know, lovingly and kindly, if the subject matter was getting to much. I said at one point that maybe I had just read too much, that I felt that I didn't want to impose too much of my wants on her for fear of triggering a "pursuit" dynamic, whereby she might retreat. C understood this, and then suggested maybe I should have a private session to talk about that. I think that might be a good thing. Anyway, C said to us that it appeared that I was so concerned about keeping things safe for W that I might be cutting off opertunities to express myself more openly, and W agreed. So, I now have "permission" to more openly express those needs, and to ask more questions, and to ask for re-assurance.
