Z-He wants to leave-He wants out.I don't know when he's going to leave. We talked aboutit in C yesterday. I am numb and so hurt. He was gone 6 months last yr. and now he is leaving again. The C talked him inot staying until next session and made me promise I would not brig up the OW (I had already stopped that) and he would reassure me every night that he had not had contact with her. I don't even worry about her anymore. I just don't want him to leave. I am only 47 and we have been together for 30 yrs. HIgh school sweethearts. SO you think if he leaves we can start again? I know he still loves me but he said he cannot live like this anymore. Iam not pleading or begging. Iam so sad though. I don't want to be alone. I don't want a D. HE did not say anything about a D but I am afraid he really wants it to be over. I think he really just wants to get away-he says he feels trapped. I am trying to DB, but i think its a little late. I cannnot beleive he would do this to us. If he would just hang in there with me while I work on me we could work this out. It's all such a waste. I don't know what I can say or do. He has been my life all these yrs, and I know maybe that's part of the problem. He does not trust me to change. I can't bear the thought of him leaving us again. What can I do?? Please help! Rachael
I believe the golden rule of DB is do more of what works and less of what doesn't. Although, in our minds, the right thing for the S to do should be to drop the OP. However, if making this demand does not work to reach your goals, then it must be abandonded to find out what does work. I believe what does work to reach the goal of ridding the OP is to find out what will attract S back to us and our M.
Can you stop by my thread on newcomers when you get a chance. W went to see a lawyer. I know you've been to this point and have some knowledge. Could use a little advice.
Steve, if you find what will attract them back to us,please package it up!I don't know what to do.I think if I was skinnier, prettier, then h would want me again, but if I have to change my hair, weight, clothes, then to me that is all fake.I do know it has to come from the heart, but when they are up and down with thier own feelings, it is hard to keep on track yourself. Sue
Zebra: There are no isms in this game. There are no rules. I think many come to DB with the impression that they will learn how to “fix” things. Many LBS are hoping to learn how to “get” their WA to come back or change their behavior. People tend to want a game plan, a rule- book that they can follow. That’s why advice giving can be so tricky. The advice is heard as a tenet. Really we can only share what worked and what didn’t work for each of us and then allow people to use their own intuition, experience, what have you, to make decisions. I read all the books about affairs. Basically, the “No Contact” “Rule” is useful if you have a remorseful, spouse who wishes to make amends. Many of our WA’s are still in a fog and haven’t come to full remorse. Our WA’s are very reactive. They react to bad feelings by running; they react to bad feelings by hanging on to us. But they rarely have formulated a healthy plan. There is little conscious motivation for most of the WA’s. It’s more of a vague, feeling or just a return to “sanity” of some kind.
I totally agree with you regarding this no contact with OP. It is controlling for us to make that kind of demand. It takes the choice out of our WA’s control and they can end up feeling resentful and not authentically understanding or believing in the necessity for no contact. Yes, we all agree that relationships heal faster without the complications of OP. But, we cannot dictate to our WA’s. Ultimatums are basically a power thing. One of the things we learn on this journey is that we have no control.
I’ve written a lot about boundaries, as JamesJohn knows. It was something I struggled with until I understood it for myself. I too, feel that people confuse boundary setting with control and power issues. My plan, as I have posted on my thread is: to make my H feel so welcomed and appreciated at home that it draws him further in. Before, he wasn't interested in anything but his other life but now, I am finally in the unique opportunity to do so. We've had many positive interactions that I'm hoping can be strung together and counteract any lingering reluctance he has. This is working Zebra, so I continue to try to do so.
What people seem to resist is that Dbing is: moment by moment, think on your feet, hit the ground running behavior. Its basis is what you said: Do more of what works and stop doing what doesn’t. That leaves a lot of latitude for thinking for oneself and coming up with thoughtful approaches that work in each individual case.
You are a thoughtful, intelligent, loving, man. It is easy to get caught up in: what is the “right” way to do this? Trouble is as you and I and many of us, have come to find out, is there is NOT a right way. Only choices. We decide whether we have made good choices or not and then re-evaluate on-goingly.
I’m not sure I’m adding any thing to what you already understand for yourself. Just want you to know that many see it the way you do. I always tell people to look within themselves for the right decision. Because you are sensitive, you understand the damage that a “rule” can do. You have made Dbing your own. Good job! Try not to second guess yourself with what is “written” Bring your thoughtful approach to anything you read and decide, as you have, what applies and what doesn’t. I think you are doing great! I had to write this really fast so no time to edit. I hope it makes sense.
I hate to do this, but I have to ask. Will you please stop by my thread and read the latest thing that has transpired. Just would value your opinion on it and how I should handle it. Maybe I'm just too mad to think clearly.
I've been reading this thread and have found it helpful. I'm particularly intrigued by the idea of 'it's none of my business, because it's really not in my control'.
This is the what my husband has expressed to me in the past. I always got mad because I interpreted it as meaning that he didn't love me. I believed that if he truly loved me, he'd be jealous (at least a tiny bit).
He cheated on me when we first started dating. With his girlfriend of 6 years (whom he said was just a friend and that the relationship was over.) He didn't tell me until after we'd been married a year...I'd kept nagging about it until he finally confessed.
I've been so angry that even though I was at my best when he cheated, he still chose to have sex with someone he had a history with. For a long time I felt like giving up on our relationship because if he cheated on me when I was at my best, then my best would never be good enough.
I know intellectually that this was never about me, but about him. If anything, I should try to be optimistic about it and take it as proof that he has a hard time letting go. Right?
Obviously this is an unresolved issue for me..but I just want to work things out with him.
I like the idea that it's truly beyond my control and I can choose to accept his choices or not...but that I can't control the choices he makes.
Just a general update on the progress/status of my latest longwinded post about OM contact being "none of my business".
W continues to protest this concept whenever I express it. It's fascinating really. She is showing signs of guilt if she's "caught" in contact (that means that I find out before she tells me, or she had minor contact, and would not have told be). Last time, I got a bit moody and she read it on my face. When she realized, she APOLOGIZED!!!! First apology I've gotten regarding the OM in 22 months!! Last time was when I discovered the affair. Two days after that, she said she wanted a divorce. I said I was being silly, that I shouldn't allow that to get to me. She said "I don't understand how you can say that, I'm such an ass for doing this." And we both let it go. I asked her to hug me, and she did, a very long, warm hug. Later, at dinner, W, D and I played the "best thing, worst thing" game where you tell the best and worst things of your day. W's was "having a really nice hug with Daddy".
What's most remarkable to me is as a result of my backing off the issue, I can almost see her beginning to pursue me. I have retreated from the issue. I have accepted that it's really out of my hands. I express that, and I express that I'm not comfortable with it, but I accept that it's her right to do what she wants, that it's none of my business. An she pursues me in the sense that she insists that it IS my business, that she doesn't understand how I can just let it go, and if she's "caught" in contact, she expresses remorse, and strives to rebuild the trust and respect she feels she's damaged. It's truly amazing.
I guess I'm just trying to share some of the litte pluses... Gotta notice those baby steps.
