Zebra: There are no isms in this game. There are no rules. I think many come to DB with the impression that they will learn how to “fix” things. Many LBS are hoping to learn how to “get” their WA to come back or change their behavior. People tend to want a game plan, a rule- book that they can follow. That’s why advice giving can be so tricky. The advice is heard as a tenet. Really we can only share what worked and what didn’t work for each of us and then allow people to use their own intuition, experience, what have you, to make decisions. I read all the books about affairs. Basically, the “No Contact” “Rule” is useful if you have a remorseful, spouse who wishes to make amends. Many of our WA’s are still in a fog and haven’t come to full remorse. Our WA’s are very reactive. They react to bad feelings by running; they react to bad feelings by hanging on to us. But they rarely have formulated a healthy plan. There is little conscious motivation for most of the WA’s. It’s more of a vague, feeling or just a return to “sanity” of some kind.
I totally agree with you regarding this no contact with OP. It is controlling for us to make that kind of demand. It takes the choice out of our WA’s control and they can end up feeling resentful and not authentically understanding or believing in the necessity for no contact. Yes, we all agree that relationships heal faster without the complications of OP. But, we cannot dictate to our WA’s. Ultimatums are basically a power thing. One of the things we learn on this journey is that we have no control.
I’ve written a lot about boundaries, as JamesJohn knows. It was something I struggled with until I understood it for myself. I too, feel that people confuse boundary setting with control and power issues. My plan, as I have posted on my thread is: to make my H feel so welcomed and appreciated at home that it draws him further in. Before, he wasn't interested in anything but his other life but now, I am finally in the unique opportunity to do so. We've had many positive interactions that I'm hoping can be strung together and counteract any lingering reluctance he has. This is working Zebra, so I continue to try to do so.
What people seem to resist is that Dbing is: moment by moment, think on your feet, hit the ground running behavior. Its basis is what you said: Do more of what works and stop doing what doesn’t. That leaves a lot of latitude for thinking for oneself and coming up with thoughtful approaches that work in each individual case.
You are a thoughtful, intelligent, loving, man. It is easy to get caught up in: what is the “right” way to do this? Trouble is as you and I and many of us, have come to find out, is there is NOT a right way. Only choices. We decide whether we have made good choices or not and then re-evaluate on-goingly.
I’m not sure I’m adding any thing to what you already understand for yourself. Just want you to know that many see it the way you do. I always tell people to look within themselves for the right decision. Because you are sensitive, you understand the damage that a “rule” can do. You have made Dbing your own. Good job! Try not to second guess yourself with what is “written” Bring your thoughtful approach to anything you read and decide, as you have, what applies and what doesn’t. I think you are doing great! I had to write this really fast so no time to edit. I hope it makes sense.
