Quote: we are talking about doing something that makes me feel very uncomfortable about our r. I do not see how the op has a place in the marriage that can be anything but negative. I understand that it will be difficult for h to sever ties with ow... for me the ow cannot be an occasional friend, aquantance or customer, for me ow is a mistake something that should never have been and should be in the past... as long as ow is in the pic the past is not yet the past it is still occuring...
LL, I couldn't agree with you more. If you think I do from what I've written, I apologize for giving that impression.
However, how do you suggest we best accomplish that end? Do we demand they break contact? Do we tell them to live their lives according to our plans? Do we tell them that "they" are "making" our lives unbearable and it's up to them to change so our lives work? I'm looking for a solution to this problem. With all due respect to you, all you have done here is restate the problem ----
That problem I'm speaking of is: "All the literature and experts state that the WS MUST cut all contact with the OP after an affair to be able to reconcile the marriage. What do you do when the WS refuses to do this?"
What is the solution? How are we, the LS, to cause the WS to get the OP out of their lives? How do we get our spouse to understand that it is not in the marriage's best interest to maintain contact? How are we to make them understand this, and convince them to end that contact. I suggest that pleading, demanding, "forcing", insisting, or whatever other label you wish to place on controlling, disrespectful behavior won't work. It is simply doing more of what hasn't worked. We need to find things that do work.
As in all other cases, we certainly are entitled to let the WS know what we want and/or "need" to have happen regarding their contact with the OP. The OP may not like this, and may see it as pursuit. And, as in all other cases they are likely to keep our needs remain subservient to their own. At that point, we have to understand and accept that we can only control ourselves, and the relationships that WS chooses to maintain are out of our control. We simply have no other choice than to let go of the issue. I do so by acknowledging that those relationships are out of my control, and as such, none of my business. Maybe simply stating that they are our of my control is a better way of phrasing it, but I find the term "none of my business" a bit more likely to catch one's attention. It sure caught my W's. "Out of my control" she doesn't even roll her eyes at. "None of my business" elicited protests that she believes that what she does certainly IS my business, as it effects me. I felt a door cracking open there.
My biggest reason for writing this idea here is I noticed I had gotten to a point that I was "stuck" on this problem. I was unable to move ahead because she would not end contact, and I found myself simply waiting for W to get rid of OM. I was foundering on this notion that W would not cut contact with OM, when all the "literature" and "wisdom" insisted that she must. But, in my situation, this was not happening. I found my progress in getting my marriage back on track was grinding to a halt on this issue. I found that demanding didn't work. I found that accepting felt like giving permission. I learned that it was not about me, and there was really nothing I could do about it but let go and move ahead with making me better, making me a better choice than the OM. As such, it's still a work in progress. And progress is being made at a slightly better pace than before I started using this approach.
