z very difficult thing to deal with when there is an op involved. you make many valid points even in your rough journaling. It is certainly a struggle and yes as you pointed out it is different for each sit. personally in my sit, since h fell in-love with ow and planned to be with her, her leaving her h for mine. I do not feel comfortable with them continueing contact. now it is up to h to do what is best for him or what is best for the r, if something he has control over (keeping in contact w ow) is hurting me and he continues to do it by choice then that shows me no respect, no honor etc. we are not talking about gee honey i wish you wouldn't watch football, take a nap, go out with the guys, go fishing, leave the seat up, leave dishes in the sink etc, we are talking about doing something that makes me feel very uncomfortable about our r. I do not see how the op has a place in the marriage that can be anything but negative. I understand that it will be difficult for h to sever ties with ow, but is it not difficult for me to let him back into my heart when he told me he had wanted a d and there was no hope for us. I am now rambling as is often the case when I come to the bb. for me the ow cannot be an occasional friend, aquantance or customer, for me ow is a mistake something that should never have been and should be in the past, if I am to put this past year of hell in the past and move on then h must too. as long as ow is in the pic the past is not yet the past it is still occuring. a constant reminder of what was. LL
