Ok, your turn! Seriously, you've addressed a number of things that are among the more difficult I've been dealing with. It's helps me to refine my thinking to answer.
Your first point is absolutely spot on. I agree. I've stated that we have a choice to accept their right to choose. And, we also have a right to our choices. If we continue to feel disrespect from the WS, and for reasons of maintaining our own level of self-respect we find this the disrespect unacceptable, we can choose to leave the R. It's a step that for many is the ultimate 180, the true LRT, the "Dobson Letter". It is our choice, our power. And, truly, the only way this devices work is if we are at peace in our souls, in our hearts that we can take or leave the R. If the WS stops the disrespect and returns to the R, we will welcome them with open arms, like the prodigal son. If they choose to continue the disrespect toward us, and follow their own choice, we can with open heart, mind and soul leave the R, totally at peace, totally complete. I truely know folks on this board who have done so...
Boundaries, as I truly understand them, are devices to help us preserve our self respect. If you need them, they are certainly valid, and necessary. The most important thing is to preserve your self respect. However, I see boundaries used all too often to control, to demand. To attempt to force the WS to cow to the wishes of the LS. The LS says "My boundary is for you to behave thus". What's that? A boundary like "You will not have any contact with the OP" is a controlling order. A boundary like "I do not want you to call the OP from our home, and I do not want the OP in our home when I'm not here" is a statement of what one needs to help preserve their own self-respect, and at times their sanity. Yes, you are right, my "line in the sand" statement is an extreme example, and falls in the "controlling" category. I mentioned that because that's the way I tend to see "boundaries" used and advocated on the board more often than not. I don't see boundaries are not "offensive" tools designed to punish, or control (though I see them used on the board that way), but rather as "defensive" tools to carve out some "safe" space for ourselves amidst the chaos.
I'm happy that your boundaries have gotten results. I think in some respects, the dynamics of your situation were well suited to your approach. You were able to issue a "wake-up call" and turn the tide before it got out of hand. In my situation, it got way out of hand. I'm struggling to draw her back, and draw my marriage back from the brink. Lawyers were involved, W had "left" emotionally. I was sharing a house with another man's lover. They were literally planning their new life together. It was OVER in her mind, in her heart. Now, she's back to being my W, and he is a casual friend. That's the best I can get for now. So, I suppose it boils down to the truth that each situation is different, and only we know ours best. I just wish I knew mine a bit better....
Seriously, you've addressed a number of things that are among the more difficult I've been dealing with. It's helps me to refine my thinking to answer.
