Understand that I wrote this to put down a number of recent thoughts were beginning to just rumble around in my head and were beginning to get confusing. This is definately a set of observations, and for the most part, if I can stick to it, it works for me. It is not alway possible for me to stick to it. Some of this theory is just a little too far out there, just a little to metaphysical for me to follow completely. As I've stated, I'm very much in the middle of this, and lots of my observations are my direct experience. Some are my "blue sky" ideals, and as of yet have not failed me.
I totally agree that respect with what you say about respect. In fact, I believe respect it the absolute key ingredient here, and the thing that is most missing in so many situations I read about on the board. The problem I see on the board, and I've seen in myself in the past is that all too often, we loose perspective on this. Since our WS has disrespected us and the marriage to such a degree as to have an affair, we feel so dissed that we often fail to acknowledge that we also owe respect to them. Just because they have dissed us does not mean our obligation to respect their rights is suspended. I don't mean to say I respect their actions, but I do respect their right to choose those actions. This might sound flakey, but it is the epitome of letting go of the urge to control. Respect the right to choose, if not the choice itself. Often, our situations have become so disfunctional that we fail to notice that what this is all about is respect, or more importantly, lack of respect. Our WS broke the marital convenent because they didn't respect it, and likely because they felt they were not getting the respect they deserved. We are outraged and controlling and clingy and demanding because we now feel so disrespected by them through their actions. We demand respect. Well, so do they. They were felt so disrespected, they left. We feel so disrespected that we demand they change their behavior. We counter the disrespect they show us (through actions they engage in because they have felt disrespected by us) with more disrespect toward them... Lets see, that's 2 counts of disrespect from us, 1 from them. OK the degree of disrespect is terribly out of proportion, but qualitative vs quantitative, logic vs craziness aren't at work here. What is at work is a power struggle, and an escalating spiral of disrespect. We have the power to stop this. We can choose to stop, to let go, and to find something, any single thing that we can respect. Then, I believe, the spiral will begin to deflate. Everything has to start somewhere. I am willing to be the one to start. It is our job to draw them back, because for what ever reason, something we did caused them to run in the first place.
Hope. I did use that word. I struggled with it. At times, I believe that is the most stupid word in the language. Hope so often equates to fantasy. Not a good thing for us. The question of how long do we wait, how long are we patient is a tough one. I've come to believe that with this new outlook I'm developing that hope, or patience, or waiting will be removed from the equation. It is my goal (there is a better word) to make this idea of respecting my W's right to choose my new way of life. I will respect her, and it is my goal to behave in a manner to have her respect for me grow to more than it ever was. It is my goal that I can grow that respect to a point where her contact with OM becomes a total non-issue, or even that she drops it totally out of that respect. But, I don't want her to drop it in deference to me. I don't want her to do it to make me feel better, but to make herself feel better. The other aspect of respect her is that our WS's have been so desparately looking for respect that they have in many cases sacrificed their own self-respect in the course of action they have chose. It is my goal to behave in such a manner that I can help her rebuild her own self-respect as well.
The big thing I'm really getting in touch with is that this is not really about me. It never was. I thought it was, she thought is was. But it was about the lack of respect in her own life.... respect she felt she should have been getting from me that she wasn't, loss of her own self-respect for tolerating what she felt an untolerable situation, respect she then got from the OM, respect she got from the SSW for her "strength" to move on with her life. It's about her. It's about her quest for respect, and much of the respect she's looking for is self-respect. I think she's still looking for self-respect. I hope she finds it. Without self-respect, you can't find happiness. Without finding happiness within, you can't truly be happy. So, maybe ultimately self-respect is the key to happiness within? I just thought of that..... Well, anyway, I plan to begin giving and keep giving her respect. I think I've found my self-respect, and I don't need any from her. I have mine. Now, I'm giving some to her.
Hey, wait a minute, if you replace the work "respect" above with the word "love", the whole essay still works too. I just noticed that this very minute. It's been on my mind, because I'm working on another idea involving that concept. Oh well, I guess I'm just journalling again.
So, with that, I'm going to just post this without editing. This is raw, first draft. Let me know if I am making any sense...
