Quote: Since I can’t deny that she the right to make her own choices, I have no choice than to accept that she can choose whatever she wants, whether I like that choice or not. I don’t like that she continues to have contact with OM, I would prefer she didn’t have contact with him, bit I accept that it’s none of my business. The only “right” I have is that of a having a preference, and I have a right to let her know what that preference is.
You also have the "right" to accept whether or not you can live with the choices they make and IMHO is where the difference is between preferences and boundries.
Quote: I believe that this concept of expressing “preferences” is somewhat synonymous with “setting boundaries” ... Setting boundaries implies to me “lines in the sand”; closed, private spaces; and an implication of retribution (as in “I need this boundary, and if you don’t obey it, I will have to make other arrangements).
I don't think they are the same. My take is that "setting boundries" is the expression of your level of acceptance to the choices they make. This can take on the meaning of "drawing a line in the sand" if you wish to predetermine the consequences of breaking the boundry. It is also your right to determine what action you will take if their choice to something that you cannot accept and that can be expressed as well. This way they can weigh the expected consequence before making such choices in the future.
In countering my pursuit, my W told me her intention was to get her own apartment, pursue her feelings for OM. I mentioned to her that if she were to continue to make choices leading to that path that she would cross a line where there would be no turning back. That had an impact. She kept going back to that asking where exactly is that line. I finally came to realized I could not accept and expressed that if she left to pursue a future with OM and it didn't work out, and then she decided she shouldn't have walked away from M, it would be too late. From that time on, I still believed that to be true and I think I convinced her of that too.
Quote: The only “right” I have is that of a having a preference, and I have a right to let her know what that preference is. She, then, has the right to choose to respect my preference, or to respect hers. It really comes down to respect. And who’s to say which respect should take preference ---- Respect for Spouse, or respect for Self.
As I have said, you also have the right to set the levels of acceptance you will tolerate of how their choices impact you. This is more for oneself in order to keep our self-respect, but expressing it to spouse allows them to decide to what degree should they respect themselves at the expense of respecting their spouse.
