Need advice

[want2believe]

I woke up this morning realizing that a part of me is dying. I'm not sure I love my H enough anymore to keep trying. I know I will though, but I just don't see us ever being the same. I need more from H than he can give me right now. Maybe it's just my negative side coming out - but it's so hard to act like you don't care that he might meet up with OW when I do care. I know "I" need to tell him how I feel, yet I know I shouldn't be doing this.

Got to get son to school and get to work.

[Afraid]

I am not trying to say it is easy. My H has been acting "normal" for the most part for over a year now, but don't think I don't have thoughts when he is late coming home and I can't reach him by phone. Really though he doesn't really disappear. He still goes by his old work occaisionally like 2 days ago, and I have to wonder if he hasn't stopped in all this time to see OW. I have to believe not- since he usually isn't gone long enough. I am telling you this to just let you know it does get easier if you let it, but you may still wonder things at times.

[want2believe]

Afraid, thanks for your comments. I suppose the wondering will be with us for a long time. WAH is here now, but out in the garage working on the truck with older S. I'm making pretzels with other S.

It's hard to feel up-beat though. I know my stich is much better than others for the timeframe, but I just want him to at least know how hard it is for me, everytime I know he is heading up north by himself. The mind just can't help wondering if he's telling me the truth, or what he'll do. It's not like he's given me any indication that it's over with OW either, those are just my feelings sometimes based on what I observe/see. H's first W cheated on him, so hopefully he remembers how much it hurts, but I can't count on that. I replied way to much on that already, thinking he'd never cheat on me because of what he'd gone through with his first W. Boy, was I naive.

I'll probably end up saying something, as this is bothering me too much, and I swore I wouldn't bottle up my feelings anymore from H. I'll say somethat about it, and leave it at that. I'll just have to deal with the consequences. I'm going to go have a glass of wine now.
Thanks for listening.

[Afraid]

I know things bother you. I also know I make little comments sometimes still, to ease my mind. I guess to make him wonder what I might be thinking. He once said he didn't think he could stay because I would never forgive him. I just told him I couldn't forget that easy. It is in the back of my mind still, but I don't accuse and say things directly.
If you need to vent do it here. It will help.

[want2believe]

Well WAH stopped by Thursday briefly, and as he was leaving, asked me if anything was wrong. I just told him,
"Do you have any idea what goes through my head everytime you go up North by yourself?". I could tell it bothered him a little, but he said he hadn't talked to OW in almost 2 months. I said "How am I suppose to know that?". H left then. I called H on his cell a few minutes later, stating "I am trying to trust and believe you, but you don't tell me anything, and you don't seem to want to be around me much". He seemed happy I called actually. He said it was true, he hadn't been talking/seeing OW (which I already sort of know). He said he likes being with me, and was going to ask me and the boys out to eat the next night until this came up. I told him that was his decision, although part of me was going - OK how does he expect to take us all out for dinner, when the boys have basketball/baseball practice? I left it at that.

H did me call me late Friday. He wanted to know what I was doing, I said I was just dropping of son's at basketball practice. I think he remembered then. Wanted to know if he should pick up one son - but I said I'd already made arrangements with another parent (who's son's were on the same teams). He eventually did ask me if I wanted to meet him for drinks. Said he definitely be there this time. I said sure. When I got there, H was sitting with some friends who just happened to to go out. We had a few drinks and dinner with them. H came to the house afterwards and stayed the night.

Sat H had to fix truck - had a major transmission leak. I took the boys to their games. H took off later than he wanted to for the banquet. I took the boys out to a magic show, and then bought groceries. WAH didn't call (although I knew he wouldn't).

WAH called the next morning on his way back. He'd gotten a trophy at the banquet. H did drive straight to the house. We cashed out early for the business. Things were going good. H fell asleep on the couch, and I took younger son to basketball practice. When I got home, H was gone. Haven't talked to him since. I figured he could have called or left a note if he'd wanted to. Will see what happens next I guess. H is suppose to come over to spend time with the boys tonight as I have volleyball again. I plan on just waiting to see if he contacts me about the time, etc... Got to run!

[want2believe]

WAH came over Monday to watch the boys while I went to volleyball. H left though about 5 minutes after I got home. I know H has things to do, but if he truely wants to move back in in 2 months, then I would think, he'd want to spend more time here with us rather than run off to his own little world by himself. But that's me. H definitely thinks differently.

I won't go into details, but I did let my H know on Tuesday that I do have a hard time with H leaving all the time after 2-3 hours of being with me and the boys. I told him I knew he had things to do, but I had to express my feelings. He said we'd talk that night. We didn't really though. We did end up getting intimate, he told me he loved me. Afterwards I said if he really was seriously thinking about moving back in at the end of March, than we needed to talk about both of our expectations in our R. H said we could think about it and talk in a couple of weeks. I said I'd already been thinking about it, and he said he hadn't. We'd talk about it next month. I didn't push it. H obviously isn't ready to discuss our R, and although I think part of him wants to move back, I don't think H is totally ready to move back. I expect changes from him also and I want him to know that before he moves back. On the good side, when H got ready to leave, I noticed him stop and look at me with happiness, something he hasn't done in a long time. I came over and gave him another good-bye kiss.
H was over tonight as I had volleyball again. H worked on the truck with older S, but left shortly after they finished. He seemed tired and somewhat remote again.

Sometimes I wonder if we aren't just better off living apart, but then again I know it's not what I really want, but I also want things to change between us from what they were, and I can't do that myself. My H needs to realize that it takes both of us to make our R work, and it's not just me that has to change.

On the good side, even though I know H hasn't agreed with me on the topic of ordering trim for the house, he obviously has been thinking about what I said about it, based on some things he said Tuesday.

I'm not sure if H will stop by tomorrow or not. I suspect not given he was saying that he hadn't been home (his place) enough lately to do some things. I also think H needs time to think. I'll just wait for H to contact me again.

[Afraid]

Just curious to know if you have read any of the posts on this board. The reason I ask is because it seems as though you are just journaling or venting. I know it is hard to follow alot of the advice, but you really need to not worry about what he is doing, or talking about your R,or asking about him coming home. It may feel good when it seems as things are going good, but then he does a 360 and you will/are upset. You just have to let him be and not expect things at this point.

[want2believe]

Afraid,
You're right, I use this forum alot for just recording or venting about what is going on. When I started this thread, I wasn't getting many replies, so I decided to use it this way, so I at least had another way to get out and deal with what was going inside my head.
I've read a lot of books on MLC and saving marriages since this all started. There is a lot of different perspectives on how to handle things, and so all I can do is pick certain one's to try based on my situtation. I also do go an see a MC by myself. H won't go. Even my MC told me I should start discussing our R with H, So I'm not just ignoring advice that is given to me on this forum although believe me I feel like it sometimes I know it may seem that way even when I'm replying. To some extent I have to trust my insticts. I also made a promise to myself when this all started, that I would tell H (if he was around) when things bothered me. This is something I didn't do much in the past. I held things in, until they built up to a boiling point, and then I dumped on H. I've spent a lot of time thinking about our R, and I do know what I've done wrong, or at least a big chunk of it.
I also try not to do anything without seriously considering the impacts of it, but sometimes I just need to do or say somethings for my own sanity when I know it is constantly eating at me, and deal with the consequences. So far, the consequences haven't been as bad as I thought they might be.
In the most recent case, I had to say something because I don't just want my H moving back in without us dicussing what we BOTH want to see changed. It takes both of us to make our R work. It can't be just me making changes. H needs to consider some changes himself. If I don't do this, I know what will happen - H will move his stuff back in, in and just dump it where ever, and I'm then suppose to deal with it. I'll still be blamed for things. Sorry, I don't want that lief anymore. I want us to work on things together, and not have it all put on me to do. I know there are splits in some things we do, and things H handles all himself, but I really do try to understand what he has going, and help if I can, or let certain things go for a while. I don't feel like my H does the same for me though. It hurts, but I've felt like a single mother already for years now, and as I've adjusted to my H being gone, I'm just not feeling much of a difference from what I've been doing for years now. It's dis-heartening to some extent, and leaves me wondering lately if I really want him to move back in, or not. I have been trying to leaving H alone lately. In my heart, I really don't think H is ready to move back in anyway. The longer he takes though to figure out what he really wants, the more I lean towards just letting him go. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, and I can't make him want to be with me. I know he loves me still, but sometimes that's just not enough. I haven't given up though - but it gets harder, especially as our boys get back into their sports more, and H has no clue when what is until he asks at the last minute, and many times he has to ask 4-5 times. H still misses games to do what he wants. Nothing comes before what H wants to to. Same story, just that now he doesn't live with us anymore.

BTW, I have never asked H when he is coming home, and even this weekend when I asked him about our R, I said "If you are seriously considering moving back ....". I made no assumptions, nor did I try to imply it was a given. I only occasionally ask him what he's been doing if he asks me that question first. Lately H will just tells me what he's been doing without me asking.

OK - I've rambled on way more than I should have to your simple qusetion/suggestion. Some of my reply was indeed still journaling and venting.

[want2believe]

journaling....

WAH called me at work this morning, wondering if he should fire an employee that didn't show. I told him to call and give the employee one more chance as this employee has been hospitalized twice in the last month for medicial issues.

Didn't hear for WAH the rest of the day. When I left work at 4:30, I called a friend and arranged to meet them for supper after the boys practices. When I fropped my younger son at home, WAH as there. I didn't have time to go in though as I had to go pick up other son and take him to his other practice. I did call the house though to ask WAH if he wanted to join me and friends for supper. Didn't really want to ask, but felt I should make the effort since WAH had shown up at the house. When I called, WAH was busy on the other phone trying to get the new credit card reader to work. He sounded like he was busy, so I didn't even ask him if he wanted to join us.

When I got home, my son said WAH left long time ago, before our other son got home. As the credit card reader was still here, I decided to call WAH to see what was up with it and if I needed to do anything. WAH was still at business, trying to fix something else that had broken and wasn't having much luck with it. WAH said he also had to go into work yet tonight to run at least one test. It was already 10:00p.m, so I figure even on the bright side, WAH won't get home until after 1:00a.m. I tell husband that I'll just figure out myself then, how to get both son's to their games tomorrow morning. They both have games at the same time, but at different locations (like 30 min drive between them). WAH says he wants to go to their games. I indicate that he has so much to do though yet tonight, he'll be tired. Besides WAH hasn't even asked all week about their games until I mentioned it tonight. WAH gets pissed off and hangs up on me. WAH still has no clue when or where their games are tomorrow, and I refuse to call him back. WAH hasn't called back either.

I know I was wrong to call, but I wanted to know if WAH was going to be available to help get the boys to their games tomorrow or not. I probably should have worded things differently, but I can't just keep staying quiet about somethings.

My problem, I think, is I think way too logically, and WAH isn't right now. I don't want WAH to move back in yet because I know he's really not ready to. Part of me wishes WAH had never told me he was thinking of moving back in, because all I can think about right now is what I don't want to deal with or put up with from WAH, what I don't see WAH doing that I would expect of someone who really wanted to make things work, and I know I don't want to go through another round of WAH leaving again because he came back too soon. How do you do this without trying to discuss the R and what we each expect? What kind of message do I send him, if he is thinking about it, and I detach or advoid being around him more because I know he's not ready to talk about these things and I need to?

There just doesn't appear to be any good middle ground here. Guess that's just reality. I also know I need to work on my 180's of not thinking so negatively, and having that come across to WAH, but sometimes I just can't help it.

[want2believe]

Journaling....

Can't sleep. I have so much resentment in me about things that WAH has done/does which things I NEED to discuss with WAH in order to resolve, but WAH isn't ready to discuss an R/M issues yet. I realize now that I just pushed them to the side when this all happened because I really do love my husband. It seems to be all I can think about ever since WAH said he was "thinking" of moving back end of March. I need things to change, and no matter what I change, their will still be resentment and frustration that will come though if I know I can't discuss these things with him without WAH feeling like I'm blaming him and shutting down again. How do I stay positive? How do I keep the resentment out of my voice? How do I keep myself from driving/pushing him away? Talking to other people about what I'm feeling isn't helping either.

I need to tell my WAH something about what I'm trying to deal with, but except for my counselor and a few friends, most people on this forum seem to advice against talking to WAH about it.
I feel like I'm in a catch 22, no matter what I do, I loose. I feel like my only option is to give up, tell WAH I can't deal with this anymore. He's free. I won't file for D, but if he still wants it he can have it. In my heart, I know it's just a last ditch effort to make WAH realize what he's loosing, but I also don't think it'll work.

No matter what I try, I can't stop thinking this way.

I want to call WAH and say try to briefly explain when (I said what I did last night, and let him know where the boys games are since he really sounded like he wanted to go last night until I blew things by making my comment. But what good will it really do? I just don't communicate well and I'm too opinionated at times.

Guess the only think that really makes sense right now is to leave WAH alone even more than I have been.