Need advice

[want2believe]

Afraid,
You're right, I use this forum alot for just recording or venting about what is going on. When I started this thread, I wasn't getting many replies, so I decided to use it this way, so I at least had another way to get out and deal with what was going inside my head.
I've read a lot of books on MLC and saving marriages since this all started. There is a lot of different perspectives on how to handle things, and so all I can do is pick certain one's to try based on my situtation. I also do go an see a MC by myself. H won't go. Even my MC told me I should start discussing our R with H, So I'm not just ignoring advice that is given to me on this forum although believe me I feel like it sometimes I know it may seem that way even when I'm replying. To some extent I have to trust my insticts. I also made a promise to myself when this all started, that I would tell H (if he was around) when things bothered me. This is something I didn't do much in the past. I held things in, until they built up to a boiling point, and then I dumped on H. I've spent a lot of time thinking about our R, and I do know what I've done wrong, or at least a big chunk of it.
I also try not to do anything without seriously considering the impacts of it, but sometimes I just need to do or say somethings for my own sanity when I know it is constantly eating at me, and deal with the consequences. So far, the consequences haven't been as bad as I thought they might be.
In the most recent case, I had to say something because I don't just want my H moving back in without us dicussing what we BOTH want to see changed. It takes both of us to make our R work. It can't be just me making changes. H needs to consider some changes himself. If I don't do this, I know what will happen - H will move his stuff back in, in and just dump it where ever, and I'm then suppose to deal with it. I'll still be blamed for things. Sorry, I don't want that lief anymore. I want us to work on things together, and not have it all put on me to do. I know there are splits in some things we do, and things H handles all himself, but I really do try to understand what he has going, and help if I can, or let certain things go for a while. I don't feel like my H does the same for me though. It hurts, but I've felt like a single mother already for years now, and as I've adjusted to my H being gone, I'm just not feeling much of a difference from what I've been doing for years now. It's dis-heartening to some extent, and leaves me wondering lately if I really want him to move back in, or not. I have been trying to leaving H alone lately. In my heart, I really don't think H is ready to move back in anyway. The longer he takes though to figure out what he really wants, the more I lean towards just letting him go. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, and I can't make him want to be with me. I know he loves me still, but sometimes that's just not enough. I haven't given up though - but it gets harder, especially as our boys get back into their sports more, and H has no clue when what is until he asks at the last minute, and many times he has to ask 4-5 times. H still misses games to do what he wants. Nothing comes before what H wants to to. Same story, just that now he doesn't live with us anymore.

BTW, I have never asked H when he is coming home, and even this weekend when I asked him about our R, I said "If you are seriously considering moving back ....". I made no assumptions, nor did I try to imply it was a given. I only occasionally ask him what he's been doing if he asks me that question first. Lately H will just tells me what he's been doing without me asking.

OK - I've rambled on way more than I should have to your simple qusetion/suggestion. Some of my reply was indeed still journaling and venting.