Need advice

[want2believe]

I'm feeling a little depressed tonight, so I figured I spill what's going through my mind in the hopes that it'll
get me to a better place.

First, I didn't expect WAH to come over tonight. No contact all day. H did come over though. Didn't want to eat, said he came to work out. Guess I should be glad he remembered I told him I was going to workout tonight. H got ready (he leaves on T-shirt, one pair of shorts, and one pair of socks at the house for this. Of course H also leaves them here afterwards for me to wash.) H then went to the basement to work out - didn't even ask if I was going to. I did go down a few minutes later to workout. H left right after we were done though. I guess it was hard to think about happy things to talk about, because of what keeps going through my mind. H did kiss me good-bye.

I guess I'm feeling down because I really don't believe WAH will move back in at the end of March. I don't think he's readly. He comes over, but he rarely mentions going out and doing something together. If anything, I'm the one asking. He didn't invite me to go with him to the racing banquet next weekend. I know is excuse would be that someone needs to stay around and watch the car wash, but if he really wanted this to work out, wouldn't you take the chance for one night. I know I would. But he's not me, and I can't force him to think like I do.

I also really hate the fact that he refer's to his rental as "home". As long as he keeps calling it "home", this then isn't home to him anymore. It's like a slap in the face, a constant reminder to me that he's not living here anymore. I know he doesn't really mean it this way, but that's how it makes me feel. I try not to let this get to me, but it really does sometimes.

It's days when I get this way, that I just feel like calling him and telling him I can't keep this up. I know I'll never improve myself to the point where he'd like me to be. I'm working on things I do want to improve, but like my house. I don't want a show piece. I want a home that people can feel comfortable in. I feel like what H really wants is a stay at home wife, who can keep a perfect house where things rarely are ever out of place. It just won't happen with me. There were seven kids in my family - so our house was never perfect either.
Also, I've felt like a single parent for the last few years. Now I basically really am. It's really not that much different, except H isn't here anymore to occasionally help when I really need it. I'm surviving though. WAH doesn't even seem to care what I have to do, or what my day was like. I can tell, everything is still so much about him. So, someone remind me if you get a chance, why do I want him back? I know I love him, but I really don't want things the way there were either. I know I'm changing, and he's noticed it and told me so. I just don't see him changing though. This isn't all my fault though!! But you, know I just don't see him ever appologizing either.

Anyway, what I was really getting at, is that I sometimes feeling calling him up and telling him that if he really wants a D, to file. I don't know if it's because I'm
depressed, and those things that bug you start festing up again, or if deep down I hope it'll make him realize what he'd be loosing, and hopefully come to his senses. Fat chance of that happening though - that's not what MLC'ers do, is it.

OK - I've vented. I can tell already it's helped some. Thanks for listening to my rantings and ravings.
I really think I need to leave him alone for a while (detach) like I did today, and let him contact me when he's ready. I think I'll have a drink now, think about what I'll do for the weekend so I'm not around much, and then head to bed.