I need to write. Maybe just journaling again. No real problems, but I want to just put this down here and see if it makes sense to me, or to anyone else…
It seems to me that as I go through this journey, from time to time I’ve had a few epiphanies…. Usually in a manner, and about a topic that I’ve not seen covered in the same manner elsewhere. I arrive at the points from reading books, other’s experiences on the board, and my own experiences. My evolution as a board reader has been that of starting desparately looking for answers and how to “do it right” to one now where I tend to notice more examples of behaviors that “are not working”. And, sadly, I see one of the biggest examples of things not working is when people get too caught up in the “dogma” of DB and other related ideas. Somehow, Michele’s work has gotten fragmented into a list of Rules about how to fix your marriage. From the way I read DB and Michele, there is only one rule…. If what you are doing is working, do more of it. If what you are not doing is not working, try something else.” Oh sure, there are variations of this, and I believe my favorite is “When you are contemplating doing something, first consider how it will serve your goals. If it will bring you closer to them, do it. If it will drive you away, consider something else.”
So, one Rule I can’t seem to get working in my situation is the one that says “to recover from an affair, the WS must completely cut ties with the OP.” As one whose W has stated that she's recommitting to work on the marriage, she's no longer pursuing divorce or leaving, but she continues to have social contact with OM who's "just a friend", I have a big problem with this Rule, in context of as advice to us, the Left Spouse (LS). Exactly how do we use this Rule, exactly how do we implement it??? We are told (correctly, I believe) that we cannot demand, we cannot insist. We are told not to pursue, to leave them alone. My latest epiphany is a result of this working on this dilemma. I believe we as LS are not served at all by hearing, attaching, or dwelling upon this Rule. I believe it is true, and very important, but that it harms our PMA to focus upon it because it is completely out of our hands. It is a choice of another, and one we cannot make. It is the personal business and concern of our WS, and there is nothing we can do about this choice. The way I’ve framed it in my mind and phrased is the this issue of continuing contact between my W and OM is “none of my business”. I’ve told W this, and I’ve told C that this is what I’ve come to believe. I was supported by C (who was amazed at it), and curiously, W protested it. She tried to drag me back into her situation with OM by insisting that is was my business. I said “no, it’s not. I have no choice in the matter, unless it’s a choice to accept that you have the right to make your own choices or to attempt to deny you that right.” Since I can’t deny that she the right to make her own choices, I have no choice than to accept that she can choose whatever she wants, whether I like that choice or not. I don’t like that she continues to have contact with OM, I would prefer she didn’t have contact with him, bit I accept that it’s none of my business. The only “right” I have is that of a having a preference, and I have a right to let her know what that preference is. She, then, has the right to choose to respect my preference, or to respect hers. It really comes down to respect. And who’s to say which respect should take preference ---- Respect for Spouse, or respect for Self. I believe that eventually, when the WS finally reaches a point where they are back into the marriage, and they can once again begin to want to give and nurture the marriage, they will see the pain and harm the R with the OP is and has caused to the LS, and out of respect for that R will finally end contact with OP. That R will run its course. (Since I’m still very much in the midst of this whole thing, I have no way of knowing is this will be true. It is my belief and hope that this will happen…)
I believe that this concept of expressing “preferences” is somewhat synonymous with “setting boundaries”. However, I believe that in the context that “it’s none of my business” what choices the WS makes, I believe “expressing preferences” is a more realistic approach. Setting boundaries implies to me “lines in the sand”; closed, private spaces; and an implication of retribution (as in “I need this boundary, and if you don’t obey it, I will have to make other arrangements). I had an interesting experience the other day in this regard… I wanted to “express my preferences” to W about OM contact. I decided to start the OR with a comment that what stimulated by a question the C had in last session. She wanted to know if we had any problems with setting and keep boundaries… W and I pretty much said we pretty much avoided the subject. So I started this out saying C asked about boundaries, and we should be free enough with each other to make them clear. I asked if there was “boundaries” she had she would like me to know about, to make explicit what was now vaguely implicit, so I didn’t accidentally disrespect her personal space. She acted a bit confused, and taken back. Then she said something that I just thought was wonderful…. “I think we should be working toward tearing down boundaries, rather that putting them up.” I loved that!!!!
So, I haven’t posted in a while, and some folks have asked what I’m up to, how it’s going. Frankly, it’s still going about the same if you choose to measure --- slowly moving ahead. Because of the thing above, together with another few things I’ve stumbled across recently (the concepts that there are really only two underlying human emotions: Love and Fear; and the concept that forgiveness is necessary, the “gift you give yourself”), I’m in a far far better place than I’ve been in a long, long time --- possibly ever. And I think W is noticing that I’m there.
