Need advice

[want2believe]

Thanks ILUV2Teach!

I'm pretty emotional right now. I do fine when my WAH isn't around, but when I see him sometimes, I just want to be with him so much, that it hurts more than I think it will when acts totally dis-interested in me, like I'm just some casual acquantaince.

I wasn't expecting to see WAH today, but he was at the business when I stopped by to drop something off. I pump had broke. He was nice, but distant. I got one little kiss from him, but I'm not sure if he wanted to kiss me or not.

I have so many questions to ask him about Xmas, but haven't yet. I did ask him if he was going to get a gift for the person he drew from my side of the family, he said yes, but didn't seem to want to talk either. I know he was busy, with his mind on the car wash - but I guess I was hoping for a little more. I'm not sure why, as he's been staying away from me all week, and I haven't been initiating any contact.

I have been read the DB book, and I took a chance and asked him if he wanted to meet for drinks tonight while my oldest S is at baseball practice. He said he had to go, as he was missing a luncheon, and that he probably couldn't as a neighbor had asked him to pick him up and drive him home from his work Xmas party. Then he said he wasn't sure if he had to, he'd let me know. That was at 11:00 this morning, it's now almost 5, and I haven't heard from him. I'm not expecting I will, but I can't seem to stop thinking about him and crying.

I have absolutely no clue if he even wants to spend any part of Xmas with us. I have plans, so I'm not waiting for him, but he hasn't even mentioned spending any time with the boys for Xmas. I don't know if I should mark all the gifts I bought for the boys, from just me, or me and WAH?
Or possible least a couple from both of us? I don't expect a gift from him. It's so hard to even get into the Xmas spirit, but I'm trying.

I called a friend who's going to meet me for a drink tonight while my S is at practice. I'm not waiting for him, but I need to talk this out.

Why is it so hard for me to think postitively about this working out when he treats me like I'm basically nothing to him. I know there are positive things that occur in our interactions, but it just doesn't seem like enough. I guess I want more than he's willing to offer.
Maybe I need to just distance myself more than I have been. I read too much I think into his actions when he does act like he wants to be with me still. It's so hard to act nice and happy, when I feel so dis-appointed that I want to cry around him. I just don't know what is best to do right now, and the holiday's just make it harder.

We got invited to a neighbor's party this Sunday. I want to go, but I don't think WAH will. If I do go, I don't think I'll be able to hold it together, as it has to be pretty obvious to some of them that WAH's truck isn't around much anymore. I'm sure they'll ask what's going on.
How have other people handled this? I guess I may just end up staying away from it, and find something else to do.