Need advice

[want2believe]

Had Xmas dinner with employee's last night. WAH came over to supposedly change clothes before leaving for the resturant. I'm not sure he did though. I bought a new dress for the occassion, but WAH never commented on it. We ended up driving to the resturant in separate vechiles as we needed to cash out at the business afterwards, and I needed to change clothes. WAH never even suggested going together. Not unexpected, but I was still disappointed.

Anyway, I admit I let my disappointment get to me. As WAH
was leaving for the night, he gave me a quick kiss, and then was in the garage doing somethings. I went out to see, as I half expected he was taking something else to his apt. Anyway, the drinks I had got the best of me, and I asked him if was willing to work on our relationship yet.
WAH told me he loved me, and as long as I was "nice" to him, he wanted to be around me. When I wasn't "nice", he didn't care to be around me. I asked for clarification on what I wasn't being "nice" on. Basically it came down to the fact of how I talked to him sometimes. I will admit, when I'm disappointed, it's hard to act happy, and not let some of your emotions through. I guess I come across to him as argumentive and accusing during these times, even though I'm not arguing with him, or accusing him of anything. Sounds like I can't have a bad day around him, and must always be the happy perfect wife that waits on him hand and foot.

He told me his place is spick and span clean. Anyone want to speculate on what he thinks of my housekeeping given this? He even told me he just picks stuff up and puts it away as walks past it. OK - then tell me why he could leave things laying around for 2 months and never put them away when we lived together. All you had to do was look at his office and garage - by a long shot, the two most trashed rooms in the house, yet I'm the loosy housekeeper. (Sorry I need to vent since I couldn't do it last night with him.). Not to mention the few things he's taken out/used when he's been at the house and not put them away, just this past week alone.
Instead I get his big issue of me not going through the mail daily, and sometimes leaving it on the kitchen table talk. For some reason this really really bugs him. His trashed office and garage don't, but me leaving mail on the kitchen table for a couple of days does. I've never understood that one, and I don't think I ever will.

Lastly, he tells me, he feels like I'm controlling him. When I ask for clarification on that, it's because he can't just take off when he wants to do what he wants. I causually mention to him, that he can do what ever he wants when he wants, since he moved out. He say's no he can't because of the business. He thinks I have this freedom though to just go do what ever I want when I want to because I can go shopping when ever I want. What the hell! No I can't. Anyway, I said, no, I have the kids to constantly think about, and my shopping trips are ususally planned to get something specific. I don't just go to shop for fun, I don't have the time.
I then mention that I just gave him last weekend off to do what ever you wanted. I didn't ask you where he went (at which point he gave me a somewhat weird look), and that he decided yourself to work at the carwash on Sunday, I said, if it bothers you that much, than pick some type of arrangement where you have certains times free that I just know and I'll deal with the car wash. He spent a lot of time thinking about this, but didn't appear to want to do this either. They really make no sense to me - but what am I thinking - he's going through a MLC. Most of what he does, doesn't make sense!!!

When I asked what else he felt I was controlling at -he said there wasn't anything else.

The discussion went much better than I'm explaining it. I didn't voice what I really felt, but tried to listen to what he said, and respond in a non-accusing way. I know there are things I still need to work on and I told him this. I unfortunately couldn't say what I really felt, nor that there were things he could work on changing also, as that would have driven him back into his cave again. I didn't want that, especially as we were talking about our R, which he's been avoiding up til now. Anyway, he did come over to me afterwards, and kiss and hug me for a while before he left.

It's encouraging, but also frustrating. Some things that go through my mind during and after these discussions are:
Will my WAH ever really feel that some of this is his fault? That he's not perfect and does have some faults also, not just me? Will we ever get to a point where I can mention or point out where he has does some of the things he accuses me of doing or not doing, and not be accused of lying or making things up? Will there ever be a point where I can talk freely and openly, without me worrying about how he might take or react to what I'm saying?

Maybe I should change my handle to the "need2benicer2WAH".
(Need to be nicer to WAH)?

BTW, no he didn't come over to help put of the Xmas tree, and he still hasn't mentioned Xmas plans of any sort. I'm torn between waiting to see if he asks about Xmas, or if I should ask him, although I keep leaning towards waiting to see if he asks, or indicates he wants to spend Xmas with us or not. Any thoughts on this anyone?