Quote: I am moving on with my life, in case anyone who might read this thinks I'm not.
So far you sound great...great potential. You have a lot of strength and that is what this takes. I posted the other day how those LBSs who come into this crisis strong don't stay long because they won't put up with it and those who have yet to find strength try to save things not only because they want to but they are needy. The goal for an LBS is to find strength and power and focus on self. For someone without strength this takes up a lot of the time. You are alsrady ahead of the game having strength.
Quote: Is it worth trying anymore?
Always. Twenty years deserves trying.
You've received some excellent advice here. I'm going to quote from a few exerpts for remphasis
Quote: Was2sad My goal is not to ask you to overlook his actions. It is to help you find some inner peace in seeing he is not unique and is quite possibly predictible to a T. Itsy You have already set a boundary and you let him dismiss it like yesterdays news. You told him that you wanted to be left alone, yet he was over to the house half the time that week. If you really want to be left alone then keep your boundary in place.
The other women is NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING.
Nothing you did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING is the reason for their MLC. Always remember that.
Quote: I know he doesn't really want this. I know he's confused. I just keep getting my hopes up when he acts like he wants to be around me.
I know you do. That is why reading about the patterns can be so helpful. After positive or intimate contact...expect a retreat. They get scared...they don't want to give us false hope, the wrong idea, they are not good enough and must leave ...He may not only retreat, he may act out in ager...because that way you can react and escalate an argument and justify his meanness, or you'll see that he really doesn't want to be with you if he's so hateful.
As for sex... that is your choice...but think about some things.
There is an OW. OW relationships are usually not over when he says they are. That is not because he's lieing...OWs cling. Was2Sad talked about the addictive cycle...they go back often multiple times because of the addiction. What about diseases?
But for me the biggie was it's just not appropriate if there is an OW. Each time Sweetheart has moved home he is not allowed to sleep in the bedroom for a set period...because he always returns straight from the OWs and I won't allow bed-hopping. I feel sex is disrespectful to me if Sweetheart is sexually involved with an OW. Now in my case Sweetheart would probably uphold those boundaries if I didn't...extreme catholic guilt complex. But I have too much Self-Resepct to enable such a thing as sleeping with two+ women. Decide for yourself where your boundaries lie.
Don't worry about justifying his complaints if you turn him down...Bluepoet was right...sex is an excuse. Though it also may be valid.
But tell him why you are refusing sex...he needs to know that it is because you respect yourself too much...and if he insists the OW is out...doubt...not his veracity. He may or may not be telling the truth. But if he is...she'll wiggle back in and he may or may not have an awareness of this.
You can insist on marriage counseling...and STD testing before sex. But understand counseling doesn't work when there is an OW...and given the dates you've provided...that won't truly be over for quite some time. Counseling may not work...and that's okay too...try anyway and you can keep going...use the counselor as your coach and guide in how to deal with his MLC and with your emotions...find a pro-marriage counselor.
Quote: haven't asked the boys to show me where he lives. He doesn't want me to know (thinks I'll come around and bug him). I have better things to do with my life chase after him like that.
Excellent attitude...that is what this takes.
Sweetheart and I always maintained separate accounts too. It sounded that way when you talked about paying him for the cell bill. It does make some things easier in this.
Keep a watch on the money...but he may not be one of those spenders like so many (I thin the majorit) are. Sweetheart hasn't been...okay, so having gone through this and each lost our jobs we have none...but I don't see new credit cards either...he's as cheap as always...which is good for me since I like cheap. No...if it's Sweetheart I'm talking about, I love cheap cause I love him.
Quote: he really think I'm that much of an idiot that I can't figure out what he's doing.
Last Summer (2005) Sweetheart wanted tos top by for a few. He was lvigin with the OW...but had his own apartment...jsut not using it. He'd been living with her just over a month and been out of the house just over two months. At that time he had our subaru and I had my truck--the truck has since been totalled and I use the subaru. So he had a vehicle...but he drives up in the OW's DAUGHTER'S truck. When he left he told me I would know things wer physical with he and OW because they wouldn;t be with us...I knew the week it started when he said he put his back out and he was being 'taken care of' then had to suddenly get off the phone. DUH And now he's driving her daughter's vehicle...sorry, but you don't get privileges like that without an inappropriate relationship. But he still tried to deny it that day. During the conversation there was some talk about sex...comments about how in the future I'm here and we will have a relationship...he said he'd have to be tested first. Then in the next sentence denied the relationship again! WTF How can you admit and then deny...Whatever. It's not they think we're idiots...it's that in MLC they really are idiots. Too much blood to the wrong head.
As for being around the house acting as though it's still home...well it is. But you;ve got a Drop-In. I posted an excerpt about Drop-in, droplet and drop out categories from Sally Conway's (Jim Conway's wife) book Your Husband's Midlife Crisis I recommend the book, but you can check out the excerpt on my thread post date: 11/08/06 12:41 PM
I think you’ve got the right idea about detaching…early-on you mentioned detaching from the emotional rollercoaster. And that is how you should think of it…It’s the emotions not the person you want to detach from.
Keep posting and trust you will have readers…even when there are no responses. You can even see how many reads your thread has overall on the main forum page.
