Need advice

[want2believe]

I couldn't sleep, and decided to check if anyone had replied to my last posting. It was so nice to see replies.

I am trying to get along with my life, and I have read numerous things on MLC already, including the 6 stages of MLC which Was2sad suggested. I know there is more to read though.

I also know my H didn't have a great childhood and lied about his age so he could join the Marines instead of doing his last year of high school. Both his parents died in their 50's of cancer. He's now 48. I also know he has a tone of things he's wanted to do/finish, but hasn't and I know that feeds into this also. I know it's not me, even though he tells me in various ways that it is me.

I know I need to distance (detach) myself from him. It's just hard since we have a business together on the side. We have to talk sometimes about it and the kids. I know he doesn't really want this. I know he's confused. I just keep getting my hopes up when he acts like he wants to be around me. As one of his big complaints about me was not enough sex, I don't know if I should be turning him down when he wants sex or not. It's like I'd damned if I do (as I can see his attitude changing toward wanting to be with me within 1-2 hours after sex), and damned if I don't (I've just justified one of his complaints about me).

He moved out 3 months ago, and he still hasn't told me the where he lives except for the town he's living in. The boys have been over there once or twice only and that was basically to help him move in. I don't ask, and I haven't asked the boys to show me where he lives. He doesn't want me to know (thinks I'll come around and bug him). I have better things to do with my life chase after him like that.

My step daughter also told me she always thought I'd be the one to leave my H, not him leave me. I've caved in a lot over the years to let him do what he wanted when he wanted. I've given up things I wanted to do, either waiting for him to decide to do it, or because he wanted something else at the time. I know that can't continue, although I guess in a way I'm still doing it.

I am trying to get on with my life. I realize I can't keep up with this emotional yo-yo he's got me on, as I have a job I need to keep, the kids to take care of, the house, and the business. I have protected myself financially - we've always had separate checking accounts since we got married 20 years ago. We also have separate credit cards. As for the business, I do the book work. He has been selfish about money lately, but other than things for his duplex he's renting, and hotel rooms for when he goes up to WI to see the OW, I don't see him blowing money.

I do in may ways understand what is going on here, and know it can take years. It's just hard, when he makes the moves to want to be with me. I even see him trying to spend more time with the boys. I get my hopes up is all thinking it might not be as long as everyones says it'll be (2-5 years on average). He always comes here. He never takes the boys to his place, or with him anywhere.

I know I have to distance myself from him. I know he has to figure himself out, and I know he is confused. I can see it in his eyes at times. They get a dead look at times. I guess as a W, I just want to fix things and make them better. I can't in this case.

As I get hurt, I want to retaliate even though I know it won't do any good. I try to hold back and talk to the 3=4 people that know what is going on, as well as this site when I get a chance. I guess I just need to leave when he comes over. I don't know if I should be telling him though to not come over. Do I turn him away if he wants sex? What about X-mas. Do I get him a gift or not?

I already have plans for X-mas to spend it with some of my family and right now I have absolutely no plans on changing them just to be with him. I think at that point the rest of my family will find out that he's moved out. I'm not looking forward to it, but I can't hide this forever either.
It's his choice.

I guess I should try and get some sleep now. Thanks all for replying. I meant alot. I guess I'm still not sure how I'll handle tomorrow when I see him (as I know I'll see him), but it does help to vent here. I guess my patience with him has been streched so far for so may years, that I have a hard time being patient with him now while he's going through this MLC.

Thanks all!