Need advice

[itsy]

Dear Wanttobelieve... I am so very sorry that you find yourself here. But always know that their are great people here that have been where you are and they have gotten a life and how some handle their situations. All situations are differnet. I would suggest reading as much as you can on the subject. Get a Divorce Busting book, you can order online from this site. Please read it , and then read it again. The book has so many different scenarios and great advise. Also there is Divorce Remedy. It has stuff that the other book doesn't have and some of the stuff that is in DB. Also there is a list of reading material in MLC resources. The main book that I go by for myself because of my situation is MIDLIFE CRISIS IN MEN by Jim Conway. There are so many others. Start reading you we'll get so much knowledge about him that it will help you.

You will, I know you will be upset alot. The hurt is so very painful that you can't go another minute but you will, you will gather a tremendous amount of strength. You must be very very strong. Somedays you will not have it. That's okay never beat YOURSELF up. That is when you will take baby steps that day. That's okay. Baby steps lead to big steps and you will get there I promise you. In the beginning it is the hardest part, the truth has just come out and you don't really know what to do. Come here and write. Vent here. Tell us what goes on. We have all been there and know what you are going thru. You need to read posts so that you feel that you are not alone. There are many people here that will help. Just post that you need help and people will respond with advise and care. We all care about one another and help each other along in their journey. You wil be lead on a journey one that you did not ask for. It will give you hope and it will bring heartache. Always remmember this very well.......believe nothing that they say and only half of what you see. This message will get you by many times when you are really seating and wondering about what they have said and what they have done. It makes it easier.

In response to your questions...don't file for a divorce. If he wants a divorve ..(he hasn't said so yet) if he wants it let him go get one. It is still so early . You should hold that thought back if you are also saying that your still love him and care about him. They do the craziest stuff. They can't help it. They are so depressed, they really are, that they can't remmember what they had for lunch yesterday. The depression is real. The pain of being depressed like ML"s is very pervading in all aspects of their lives and it is very painful at times. They don't know what to do. They will not admit it. But it is there. They lie. The lie because they can't tell you the truth. They are in their own little worlds...aliens as some people call them. They will say things that hurt you, mean and nasty things. They don't realize that they are doing it. For instance, as an example he won't have told you that you were fat before, he knew not to. But in MLC they will and do say the damnedest things. They have so much going on in their heads that sometimes can't remember what they just did. My husband and I had a disagreement about the people he was hanging out with....He got soooo mad. Stomped out of the room and went upstais. Came back down 5 minutes later and he was happy as lark he never realized that he was just mad. He was cycling very fast. I was absolutley in awe. They do this.

He doesn't know what he wants right now. He can't help it that he doesn't know. He is cycling rapidly in his head and can't make rational decsions. Protect your finances. They do take all the money sometimes. It's their way of being selfish.. They think that they have supported everyone for so long and done without that they want it all now. So protect your self. Get your own checking account. Make sure that monies are not being taken out of the business. Any new credit cards? Please pay attention to the bills.

You have already set a boundary and you let him dismiss it like yesterdays news. You told him that you wanted to be left alone, yet he was over to the house half the time that week. If you really want to be left alone then keep your boundary in place. You need to do what is right for you. Always you and the children. Always. You come first then the children. Why? When you fly the flight attendent tells the adult to put the mask on first then the children.The reason is that the adult needs the oxygen first to make sure that they take of children. You have to take care of yourself first. It's not being selfish it's being in control of what you can live with and what you will not.

The other women is NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING. He feels he deserves better sex. He wants to know that he still has it. He is living like a teenager at times. He is so impressed with her that he can't see straight. YOU can see straight. She is nothing really. She is lowlife shanky CENSORED..fill in with your word. Any women who does this to another women is a lowlife shank. She is really nothing. Most of the time they are not what you imagine. Go read where couples have gotten back together. It will help you focus on a goal should you decide that is what you will do. Don't make hasty decsions, that you may regret later. Don't fight with them, don't tell them what they are doing is wrong. Don't have relationship talks. This journey that they are on is theirs. You have no real part in it. It is sad to think how you once were together and now are not. I know how you feel. But you have to GAL and move forward. Take a class I know you don't want too. Do it anyway. Do something for yourself. Something that involves concentration. Anything.... just try and stay busy. I know that it is hard you are still so frozen at times analaying everything. Stop analyzing. Nothing you did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING is the reason for their MLC. Always remember that.
It started a very long time ago. It started in his childhood. Into his teenage years. That was when he was developing a emotional self. If that self was not allowed to express it self in a safe enviroment then the MLCer is finally having to pay that price. He has gotten to a point that he can no longer hold his feelings in check. He doesn't know how to safely let them out so they have a MLC.
It's pent up anger and emotions, something that they do not howe to handle. It involves their sexuality too. For when they were teenagers. You husband will go thru many phases and go back into it again and again. There is nothing you can do except take care of yourself. Just do that. I can't tell you how strong you will be when you start making decsions and being youreslf again.

I will close now. I hope that I have helped. Please feel free to poat again. People will help you here. Take care
ITSY