I am beginning to be concerned about you already. You seem to be on the right thread but you might still be new to MLC. You have not been registered here very long compared to a few others so I am not sure how much you have read about mlc in books, this forum, or other folk's threads.
The more you understand about mlc if that is what is going on, the more peace you will find and understanding in what is happening.
The DB books from this site's author and topics like Keep Love Alive are great for every person to absorb. I point out though that "true" MLC defies the basics of DB or other books on M. True MLC is about a complete breakdown in a person's mental balance for a brief time in their life, a life stage transition from their youthful adulthood to their second and final adulthood. It is at different ages for different people and not a breakdown at all for many people. But if it hits a person it becomes an uncontrollable perfect storm ... no matter what they try to do to defend themself from it.
I say these things because books like Understanding Mid Life Crisis goes very detailed into the personal background that set the stage for a crisis of a life transition. It explains the things that confuse and frustrate us the most. Other titles like Surviving Your Husbands MLC by Conway try to be more practical and not as detailed a study in cause and effect.
I encourage you to do a little more reading specifically on MLC. Look for a few articles here like Six Stage of MLC.
My goal is not to ask you to overlook his actions. It is to help you find some inner peace in seeing he is not unique and is quite possibly predictible to a T. When there is or was an OW, there is a euphoric addiction equal to a drug addiction. It is often with someone of lower status as that raises his own worth. Ending the addiction of an affair is often as difficult as the narcotic twin. Even staying clean does not stop one from vividly recalling that incredible release of endorphines, that had absolutely nothing to do with loving the OW, or not loving the spouse. Just lots to consider here for your own peace of mind.
Focus on yourself and observe your own emotions such as anger along the way. Avoid the things that trigger the negative, even if that includes him. We call that detachment. Make time for the things trigger calm within you. This can be church, family, exercise, or just loading your own shells. Do not loose yourself in this time that you have even less control over him than he does over himself. If this is MLC, expect lies, expect financial misuse, expect the worst and feel blessed with any thing better.
In a book InTheMeantime this kind of behavior is considered "dealing with the trash in the basement" of our mental house. Your H is being forced by MLC transition to confront the basement trash in his life. He is being drawn to act out on his basement emotions and/or desires. The real downside if you believe any of the books is that he can not proceed through his transition to the other side without experiencing the whole thing. It calls him. It controls him and drives him to be completely opposite the rules he followed his whole life.
That does not prohibit tough love as preached by Dobson or others when dealing with mlc. Set boundaries to protect yourself. Protect yourself financially. If he can not live within reasonable limits, many say it is time to put him on the curb. That is not a game. It is not a wake up slap in hopes he will snap out of mlc. MLC takes many months or a few years. You can not be his victim during that time.
Take care of yourself. Come here to vent rather than confronting him. Read other posts. Look for books on mlc.
