Need advice

[want2believe]

I'm ready to end this marriage. If he wants a divorce he can file. I won't file, but I just can't deal with him anymore. Everytime I think things are looking up, he does something that just so emotionally hurts, or pisses me off.

Thanksgiving was OK as I indicated in my previous posting, but H just didn't seem to be comfortable with us. Anyway, the next day, he comes over in the morning un-expectedly. Gives me a kiss and hug, asks me if I miss him. I say "Yes". I ask him if he misses me also - He says "Yes". H then asks me if I love him. I say "Yes", but don't push it and ask him the same. Later that day, I see him at the business, and he seems really happy to see me. I only stay for a few minutes. Later that night I stopped by again, to drop something off - he seems a little bit in that mood of what am I doing - but he came over and we had a nice evening together. He indicates he's not going anywhere for the weekend. The next day I leave town with the Boys to watch my nephews HS state football championship game. He calls later that night. The Sunday, he calls, and mentions my cell phone bill - how high it is. I say I'll pay for it. An hour later, I'm getting a call from the phone company telling me that he stopped automatic payments on that bill after this month, and given our situation, he wanted me to know what was going on, and if I was OK with it. Pissed me off royally.

When I called him and asked him about it, he gave me a bull [censored] answer about not paying for something I had said I would before. I told him I was pissed off at him that day, and he never brought it up again, so I thought he didn't really care. It's the only time I haven't paid him for something I said I would, and it was a much smaller amount than other things I've paid my share on.

He always say's he would have told me, but it's always after the fact. I just can't trust him, and he obviously doesn't trust me anymore either because of one bill. [censored], he has not grounds to even mention trust, given his cheating on me.

Anyway, Tuesday, I finally told him to "leave me alone". I can't take this emotional roller coaster ride anymore. I have too many things I need to get done, and it just interfers with it all. I'm not getting anything done. I told him I still wanted us to work out, but he'd have to learn to take me as I am. He told me, "I already told you what I had problems with you on, and I can't accept that".
It hurt, but after a while, I realized it's because he has no clue what he wants, or what is problem is, thus the problem has to be me.

Anyway, I've seen him every day since then. His choice. I try to ignore him as much as possible, but he has come up to me and kissed and hugged on 1/2 the days. Yesterday morning we were even intimate. He spent time with my older son, working on his truck. He hooked up the blade on the tracker, and plowed the driveway, but after he was done with that, it's like he couldn't wait to get away, and left as quickly as he could.

He wanted a weekend free where he didn't have to work at the business. So I gave him this weekend off. He was planning on going up to WI for the weekend for a racing auction in Green Bay. 2 nights yet, when 1 was all he'd really need. He's also never gone to that auction in all his years of racing. Well he indicated yesterday he might not go, but low and behold, off he went today. Towards where the OW lives, not Green Bay. I'm pretty sure he hasn't seen her in about a month, but obviously OW still has some pull with him.

I can't take this anymore. I will not share him. Either he wants to work it out or he doesn't. This in-between [censored] sucks and hurts too much. I just want to yell at him,
go a head and file for a divorce if that is what you want.

I have to ignore him but I don't know how since he's supposedly coming over tomorrow afternoon to help my son work on the truck, and we have to cash out. I don't know how to avoid him, given this. I'm sick of the selfishness. I'm sick of him only thinking about himself the majority of the time. I just want to yell to the world what a jerk he is.

I am moving on with my life, in case anyone who might read this thinks I'm not. I've already called and gotten some things done, it's just hard when he shows some interest, even after telling him to leave me alone, yet he can then go off and spend the night with OW. I want to just pack up the [censored] he hasn't taken and tell him to take it with him to his place now, and move on with getting things done that he's hasn't done in years on our house.

I need help! How do I ignore him. I don't know if I even love him anymore, or I really want this to work or not. I've put up with his [censored] and waiting for him to decide when he would do something, I can't do it anymore. Is it worth trying anymore?