Need advice

[want2believe]

Ok - It's been a over a week, and I've had my share of ups and downs. I gave my husband the option of spending Thanksgiving with us, but he initially basically turned it down. Said he could find something to do. I told him that was his choice. A day or so later, I called him and very calmly and nicely asked him why he never, in all our years of marriage, wanted to spend Thanksgiving with us. He said he usually goes deer hunting. I said, but the other guys seem to spend Thanksgiving with their families. I got, well they only live 1 hour from where we hunt for deer, I live 3 hours. I don't understand his reply at all. When I pushed a little more, he stated that I usually went to my sisters. When I said I only did that when I knew he wasn't going to be around, he started taking the stance that oh, it was his fault now. I said, no, it's not anyone's fault, and I'm not trying something any blame should be put on, but I just wanted to know and I'd never asked. He had nothing new to add. I did push a little more and ask him why he still never spent Thanksgiving with us the last 3 years, even though he wasn't actually deer hunting anymore. He said, I already told you. I said, "OK, so if I understand this correctly, you prefer to spend Thanksgiving with your friends rather than your family. He said "Yes". I said "OK. Thanks".

Anyway, I later left him a message, asking him what I should tell the boys if they asked where dad was for Thanksgiving. I later regretted it, and called back to tell him to ignore that message. He answered. Anyway as the discussion went on, he suddenly said "How about if I take the boys for Thanksgiving.". Needless to say, I as floored. First that he even offered, as he spends so little time with the boys anyway, and second that he had the gaul to try and take my kids from me on a holiday. I said it was too short of a notice, and No. He then said, well then tell them that". I was speechless and basically hung up. I called him back after a few mintues and told him to go a head and ask the boys if that was his choice. They could make their own choice, just like he could make his own choice.

I don't undestand him at all. It must be some old childhood issue he has. I felt I had to ask hime though about why he has rarely if ever spent Thanksgiving with me and the boys, because I wanted to at least get him thinking. Not sure if I did or not, but Wednesday morning, he send me an e-mail about some stuff for the business we own. At the end, he asked if I was still staying home for Thanksgiving. If I was he would come by and spend a few hours with the boys.

I told him I was and that he was welcome to come to dinner.
He asked what time, and I told him. I still hurt though as he definitely doesn't act or say anything about wanting to be around me. It hurts so bad, I just want to lash out at him even though I know I can't if I want this marriage to work.

I spent 3 hours with him last night helping to replace the water heater at the business. He made indications that he wanted to be with me. I was hoping for a kiss, but decided he definitely wasn't interested, told him so, and left.

Anyway, he came over today about 1:45. Sounds like he spent most of the morning at the business (car wash). He did give me a quick kiss, but that's about it. Turkey was still cooking, but he went out and started replacing the rear brakes on his truck. He did come in to eat when it was ready, but right after the meal, went back out to finish the truck. I cleaned up, and as it was getting dark, went out to help him. After a little over a hour, we finished. He came in and had pie. I asked about watching a movie, but no, he had to go check the business and then go home and wash clothes. He had no more socks. Poor boy. Anyway he was here for 4 1/2 hours, of which he spent at least 2 1/2 hours in working on the truck.

At one point, I went by him as I wanted to kiss him, but asked instead if he wanted me to leave him alone. He said he had to leave in a little bit. I said, so that means you don't want me to bother your. He said, I told you I have to leave in a little bit. I got up, got a glass of wine and said to him, You know, you never seem to give me "yes or no" answers, so all I can do is speculate on what you mean.

He left about 10 minutes later. He did give me a kiss good-bye. I didn't initiate it at all. But I just feel so lost. I want him back so bad, but if he doesn't want to be with me than why won't he say so. Sometimes I just fell like telling him to go ahead and file for a divorce if that is what he wants (even though he hasn't said anything about a divorce in over a month). I hate this yo-yo. It's so hard to act happy and un-caring around him when I feel like he doesn't want to be around me. I know he doesn't know what he wants. I've asked him and he's confirmed this.

I guess on the bright side, he said he had to stay around here this weekend because of the business. A lady hit the garage door yesterday, and the guy that'll repair it is coming tomorrow. I'm going out of town on Saturday with the boys. I'm not convinced thought that he might not go up to WI to see the OW though still as he kept asking me when I was leaving. I'm not sure yet, and that is what I told him.

I just think I really need to distance myself from him for a while. I"ve been crying every day for the last 4 days because I acks and responds to things like he doesn't want to be around me. I mean we go along OK, but I want more, and he can't give me that right now. It just hurts so much. I hate this. Why does this have to happen. How can he act so caring one day, and then so un-caring after that. I find myself resenting my husband more and more, and that doesn't help. I want what I know I can't have right now.
I have to distance myself from him. It's the only why he starts to realize what he's missing, and it's the only way I seem to stay sane. But it's so hard, as I end up missing him and want to hear his voice. I have a feeling Christmas is going to be a nightmare for me. Got to go - I need more kleenex.