Thanks to all for your encouraging words. As I posted on Scott's thread, I'm in a bit of a general funk right now, I feel drifting a bit, but it changes day by day. I've noticed that when I tell W that I'm drifting, and if she's sympathetic/empathetic to my mood, it helps build me back up. It gives some reassurance.... but that's a big "if". She's just as likely to get defensive.

Yesterday in C I had an interesting experience in this regard. Last week I was being a bit pissy in general. I noticed that it was because my impatience with the whole situation was gaining an upper hand (as it does from time to time). I was pissy and reactive as a result. Once I identified what was going on with me, I went to W and told her. I apologized to her for taking out my insecurities on her. I told her that from time to time my patience wore thin, and I get reactive. I said that was my problem, and I was sorry for taking it out on her. She lashed back. She "reacted" to my "impatience" rather than hear my apology. She didn't hear what I was saying, but reacted to what she thought she heard. This put me deeper into my funk. I was getting a "is this worth it???" feeling, because it looked like no matter what, we were going to continue this reactive pattern, and it's just plain exhausting and disheartening. Well, I talked about this in C. It had been eating at me, I was feeling W had turned a bit away, was withdrawing. Turns out W didn't even remember the incident. It was all in my head. It's amazing what we do to ourselves sometimes.

Anyway, the upshot is that I'm learning that it is so important to share your thoughts from time to time, if for no other reason to test the waters to see if this sharing is receptive. The concept of going dark and No OR is a dynamic one. There are not hard and fast rules, and if your situation (as ours has been) has been one of hiding feelings, avoiding conflict, internalizing upset, a perfect 180 might be to simply let your feelings be known (without assiging any blame), and be ready to diffuse a reactive retort if it comes. It does increase intimacy, releave the stress of holding on to concerns that may exist only in your mind....

Scott, wow, you've read all that drivel??? Seriously, I have reread it a couple of times, and I see a progression from floundering around to finding things that work. I hope some of the mistakes I made can help you avoid the same. As I said, your situation does sound a lot like mine was, I can surely relate to so much of what you write. If it helps, if she askes again about the people you talk to, you may share with her that you've met at least one other whose situation is so close. I believe that when the WS learns that the stuff they are going through is not unique to them, but fairly common, it takes some to the pressure off, and allows them to examine themselves more closely. Think about this.... most long term marriages (our parents, grandparents) have undergone and survived at least one major crisis. In the current "pro-divorce" "me centric" "I gotta be happy" world, so many suffer from the dilusion that the marriage is the problem and ignore that it is often problems with self esteem that cause the problems in the marriage. It is so much harder to look within than to blame another... But, when they see that others suffer from the same situation, the fear of being defective, of being so alone is reduced. At least that's something I've come to believe...

z