Need advice

[want2believe]

Hi,
I'm new to this form, but my husband asked me for a divorce on 8/14/06. He still thought I was great, but he only loved me like a sister now. A big reason he said was because he wasn't getting enough sex from me. Sound familiar. I started to change right from that point on, but it didn't seem to matter, although I know he enjoyed the changes he was seeing/encountering. I found out 8/30/06 that he was seeing OW. He moved out on 9/14/06, right after his racing season ended, like he had told me he would when he asked for a divorce. I've had many ups and downs since then, and I know in my heart that this is not really what he wants. Early on, shortly after I'd found out he was seeing someone else, he had a few too many beers at a neighbors, and when he came home he was appologetic and we had a great evening together. The next moring though, it was like Mr. Hyde was surfacing again, and I could see he was having second thoughts.

He also at one point said he'd "give me a second chance", but that only lasted until the night he agreed to break it off with the OW. I wasn't home when he broke it off, and I can't prove he did, but he was mean and nasty after that, and he no longer wanted to work on our marriage.

From reading things on saving a marriage, I'd learned before he moved out to stop fighting and to admit he was right, I had done what he accused me of. It stopped the fight as he no longer had anything to complain about. I didn't fight him moving out, just told I couldn't change him if that was what he wanted. He still moved out, although I did ask him to move out one day earlier than he planned because there was no good time that day to tell the kids, and he was saying he wasn't moving out until Sunday, as he wanted to see the kids games, but had no problem leaving or not attending for me to pick up a rental car (mine was in the shop that weekend), or while he moved stuff into his own appartment. I couldn't take it, although I later learned that he'd only told me he'd be at their games, he hadn't told them, or so my boys said.

Anyway, he moved out, and for the first 3 weeks, he was over almost every day for one reason or another. We spent more time together than we had in a long time. But I also wasn't seeing any regret from him, and I knew he had to spend more time away, before he'd realize what he'd be giving up/missing. I backed off some. I planned an outing on a Friday of that week with some friends, and went out of town for most of Sat with the boys. Later, I find out for an employee (we both work full time at the same company, but in different buildings, and we own a business together) that he'd been with the OW on Saturday evening. It hurt. (Please keep in mind the OW leaves 2 hours away, but I can usually track when he goes up to see her, which he doesn't know I can do). Anyway, I cashed out on the business on Sunday by myself, when I knew he was taking the OW back home. When he called to ask about, I just told him
I wasn't happy about finding out from an employee that he was back with the OW. He asked why I thought that, but I just ignored the question. I told him I didn't think I wanted to see him for a while. Monday morning I got a e-mail from him that wasn't very nice, asking me why I though he was with the OW, and that it was BS. I refused to reply to it. I know he was with the OW.

Anway, I haven't had any contact with him all week except for a few IM (Instant Messages at work). He came over yesterday (Wed) to be with the boys while I went to volleyball, but he said he'd come 10 minutes after I left, and leave 15 minutes early so I wouldn't have to see him. I want to see him, but I know I can't pursue him. I just told him if that was what he wanted to do, OK. I did ask
him a couple of questions about the business, and he replied. Something needs to be replaced, and I asked if he needed help, but he never replied to that question, then suddenly he had to get back to work. I didn't see him.

I know he has plans to go out of town this weekend, which could very well just be an excuse to see OW. I do know OW sent him an e-mail Tues morning, which bugged me a little until I realized that the contents indicated that he hadn't been communicating with her for a few days. Made me feel good, although I know it doesn't prove anything.

Question I have is given I know he probably is going out of town this weekend, more than like to be with OW, at least part of it, is do I stay basically in the dark here until he initiates communication. If something comes up for the business, I will let him know, but so far this week, I've dropped stuff off so he hasn't had to stop by the house. I try to be nice and pleasant when this happens, but you know
writing is subject to interpretation.

BTW, he has many of the signs of MLC. I know he was into porn also before he left, and I had let him know I thought he had a problem. He didn't think so, but while he didn't have his computer at his new place hooked up, he seemed more his old self. The last 2 weeks, he's been more distant, like when he was at home, so I suspect he might be back watching it again.

It's hard. I want to see him, I want to hear his voice, but I know I can't pursue him. I don't know if I should have sex with him, if he wants it. I don't know if I should tell him he has to start taking the boys to his place when he wants to see them, or if I should continue to let him come to the house to see them. There are pro's and con's to both approaches I know. There are numerous things I want to do with the house, and I will do them, but I just don't have the time to get them done as quickly as I'd like given I want to spend time with the kids, enjoy life a little, full time job, and a business on the side. It's can be a little over welming at times, especially as I struggle though this and trying to understand what my husband is doing and going through. As hard as it is to say, since I do miss him and love him, but not having him around is almost easier than when he is around, but I also seem to constantly be thinking about him. I do have some people I can talk to, but I also seem to need constant re=assurance that I'm doing the right things here. Guess that's why I'm writing this now.
I want this over, but I know it'll be a long time yet, and as much as I try to understand that, it still hurts so much.

Need2Believe