Need advice

[want2believe]

Hi,
I'm new to this form, but my husband asked me for a divorce on 8/14/06. He still thought I was great, but he only loved me like a sister now. A big reason he said was because he wasn't getting enough sex from me. Sound familiar. I started to change right from that point on, but it didn't seem to matter, although I know he enjoyed the changes he was seeing/encountering. I found out 8/30/06 that he was seeing OW. He moved out on 9/14/06, right after his racing season ended, like he had told me he would when he asked for a divorce. I've had many ups and downs since then, and I know in my heart that this is not really what he wants. Early on, shortly after I'd found out he was seeing someone else, he had a few too many beers at a neighbors, and when he came home he was appologetic and we had a great evening together. The next moring though, it was like Mr. Hyde was surfacing again, and I could see he was having second thoughts.

He also at one point said he'd "give me a second chance", but that only lasted until the night he agreed to break it off with the OW. I wasn't home when he broke it off, and I can't prove he did, but he was mean and nasty after that, and he no longer wanted to work on our marriage.

From reading things on saving a marriage, I'd learned before he moved out to stop fighting and to admit he was right, I had done what he accused me of. It stopped the fight as he no longer had anything to complain about. I didn't fight him moving out, just told I couldn't change him if that was what he wanted. He still moved out, although I did ask him to move out one day earlier than he planned because there was no good time that day to tell the kids, and he was saying he wasn't moving out until Sunday, as he wanted to see the kids games, but had no problem leaving or not attending for me to pick up a rental car (mine was in the shop that weekend), or while he moved stuff into his own appartment. I couldn't take it, although I later learned that he'd only told me he'd be at their games, he hadn't told them, or so my boys said.

Anyway, he moved out, and for the first 3 weeks, he was over almost every day for one reason or another. We spent more time together than we had in a long time. But I also wasn't seeing any regret from him, and I knew he had to spend more time away, before he'd realize what he'd be giving up/missing. I backed off some. I planned an outing on a Friday of that week with some friends, and went out of town for most of Sat with the boys. Later, I find out for an employee (we both work full time at the same company, but in different buildings, and we own a business together) that he'd been with the OW on Saturday evening. It hurt. (Please keep in mind the OW leaves 2 hours away, but I can usually track when he goes up to see her, which he doesn't know I can do). Anyway, I cashed out on the business on Sunday by myself, when I knew he was taking the OW back home. When he called to ask about, I just told him
I wasn't happy about finding out from an employee that he was back with the OW. He asked why I thought that, but I just ignored the question. I told him I didn't think I wanted to see him for a while. Monday morning I got a e-mail from him that wasn't very nice, asking me why I though he was with the OW, and that it was BS. I refused to reply to it. I know he was with the OW.

Anway, I haven't had any contact with him all week except for a few IM (Instant Messages at work). He came over yesterday (Wed) to be with the boys while I went to volleyball, but he said he'd come 10 minutes after I left, and leave 15 minutes early so I wouldn't have to see him. I want to see him, but I know I can't pursue him. I just told him if that was what he wanted to do, OK. I did ask
him a couple of questions about the business, and he replied. Something needs to be replaced, and I asked if he needed help, but he never replied to that question, then suddenly he had to get back to work. I didn't see him.

I know he has plans to go out of town this weekend, which could very well just be an excuse to see OW. I do know OW sent him an e-mail Tues morning, which bugged me a little until I realized that the contents indicated that he hadn't been communicating with her for a few days. Made me feel good, although I know it doesn't prove anything.

Question I have is given I know he probably is going out of town this weekend, more than like to be with OW, at least part of it, is do I stay basically in the dark here until he initiates communication. If something comes up for the business, I will let him know, but so far this week, I've dropped stuff off so he hasn't had to stop by the house. I try to be nice and pleasant when this happens, but you know
writing is subject to interpretation.

BTW, he has many of the signs of MLC. I know he was into porn also before he left, and I had let him know I thought he had a problem. He didn't think so, but while he didn't have his computer at his new place hooked up, he seemed more his old self. The last 2 weeks, he's been more distant, like when he was at home, so I suspect he might be back watching it again.

It's hard. I want to see him, I want to hear his voice, but I know I can't pursue him. I don't know if I should have sex with him, if he wants it. I don't know if I should tell him he has to start taking the boys to his place when he wants to see them, or if I should continue to let him come to the house to see them. There are pro's and con's to both approaches I know. There are numerous things I want to do with the house, and I will do them, but I just don't have the time to get them done as quickly as I'd like given I want to spend time with the kids, enjoy life a little, full time job, and a business on the side. It's can be a little over welming at times, especially as I struggle though this and trying to understand what my husband is doing and going through. As hard as it is to say, since I do miss him and love him, but not having him around is almost easier than when he is around, but I also seem to constantly be thinking about him. I do have some people I can talk to, but I also seem to need constant re=assurance that I'm doing the right things here. Guess that's why I'm writing this now.
I want this over, but I know it'll be a long time yet, and as much as I try to understand that, it still hurts so much.

Need2Believe

[want2believe]

Spoke to husband this morning on the phone. First time I've heard his voice in almost a week. We talked about the business and it was a nice casual conversation. He did state that he wasn't going out of town this weekend though. I plan on going out of town for part of the weekend, but didn't tell him, as I don't really want him coming over to the house when I'm not there. But since then I can't seen to stop crying. I get emotional every time I think about him. Is there anything that helps me stop feeling this way?

I did later send him an IM, to see if where I was going to get tires for the car, was what he would have recommended. I send one message "For what it's worth, I do miss you." No reply from him on that, although I know he started to type something. Said I had to go then and left to get the tires. But I still can't stop crying, and I need to get some work done. I need some advice please.

Need2Believe

[want2believe]

Not sure if anyone is reading these or not, but it does seem to help to write out what I'm feeling at times. Husband is supposedly coming over today to pick up the boys and take them to get mattresses for the bunk beds he bought for them at the duplex he's renting. He told me I probably need to get the front brakes done on my SUV. When I asked him where he recommended I take it to get that done, he made a comment like he could do it unless I didn't want him to. I just said, I know you don't seem to know what you want yet, so I don't want you do something unless you want to. He then stated he needed to do his truck also, and needed to use his tools at the house, so he'd do my SUV at the same time. I said thanks. I haven't seen him in over a week, and I want to but I'm also afraid of how he'll be around me. It hurts when he acts so distant like he has the last few times I saw him over a week ago.

Also, I went out of town yesterday to my nephews game. He called me twice on my cell phone and twice at home I guess because I forgot to adjust an employee's pay. I talked to the employee and fixed that this morning. I can see he's been working at work more than he has in a long time. I'm hoping that is good. He was working yesterday afternoon, but it looks like he left work shortly after I talked to him. Anyway, this morning when I woke up, the house was freezing. Went and checked the thermostat, and the house was sitting at 59 degrees, and set on cool. I changed it back to heat. I don't know how it got on cool - maybe one of the boys accidently did it, and don't want to say, but I can't help wondering if my H did it either.

You know it's kind of funny, he keeps saying he'll do all these things when he's here, more than he can do in a day. But like in the past, when he does get here, he doesn't really do that much, and seems to forget what he said he'd do. I don't say anything though. I've decided to give him a little more time to do certain things, just to see if he remembers, otherwise I'll just do them myself. I'm tired of waiting for him to decide he's ready to do some things. Hell, I've been waiting for 14 years for trim in my house. It always had to be done his way and when he was ready to do it, which never seemed to happen. I could never get him to agree to do one room at a time - he want to bulk order all the trim and even at one point, said we'd get it all installed in 2 weeks time. I told him he was nuts, but I was just cut down and ignored at the time. After this all started, and I mentioned what he'd said, he told me he'd never said that and that I was a liar. Actually anything I say that he doesn't think he did/said or matches what he observed, has become a lie. Forget about different perspectives - if he doesn't remember it, and I have no hard facts to back it up, I'm making up lies.

You know, part of me just wants to lay into him, especially about the OW. I want to make snide remarks to make him realize how hurt I am, but at the same time, I do realize this won't work if I want him back, which I do. I'm still trying to work on my tone of voice when I talk to him. Got to run, H is just pulling into the driveway.

Need2Believe

[BluePoet]

Yes people are reading! My H was always saying he'd do more than he ever actually got around to doing around the house and etc.

Pulling for ya...
BluePoet

[MissH]

Hi W2B! I am sorry to find you here, but welcome! If your H is in MLC, hold on, you will ride the rollercoaster from h^ll. It's not fun, and it is a long ride. Hang on!

One of the reason my H gave me that he was leaving me was that I wasn't giving him enough sex. I will admit, I am guilty of that, but it does not justify him having an affair. Nothing does, but your H will try to justify it anyway. He will come up with all sorts of reasons of why he is doing what he doing. One of the things that gets said on this board is "believe 1/2 of what you see, and nothing of what you hear". When our S are in MLC, they are in a fog, and will lie a lot to cover their tracks. Have you read the MLC resources? There is a lot of info on there that will help you understand what is going on. There is also a list of books that you can read that may help you understand what is going on.

You will cry a lot in the beginning, but I promise you, it does get better. Go out an GAL (get a life) and soon you will find yourself having more better days than bad ones. And when you feel like crying, let it out, don't hold it in. Just DO NOT LET YOUR H SEE YOU CRY!

I know you would love to tell your H off, we all would, but that won't solve anything. Come here and vent, you will find a lot of support here. There are so many of us in your sitch.

I saw a t-shirt in a magazine the other day that said "If you want your H to do something around the house, tell him he is too old to do it". That made me laugh, and when I saw what you posted I thought of that again.

Anyway, weekends are kinda slow on these bb because people are out GAL, but you will get responses from people. We are here for you!

[want2believe]

Thanks for the responses. Yes, I have read many of the resources, not any of the books yet though.

Actually yesterday was a little confusing. Don't get me wrong, I had a great day with my H, but I feel I must be cautious still as I don't want to get my hopes up too soon, as I know things can change over night, as I've already seen happen previously. But, it does leave me wondering as what my H did yesterday, doesn't seem to match the MLC scenerio, although I could see classic symptoms in him before this of being in a MLC.

My husband came over and started working on the brakes immediately. I went out to see him, and told him I thought he would of at least came in to say "Hi" (nicely of course). I don't think he was sure if I was ready to see him yet. Anyway, after about 5 minutes of talking, we reach over and gave me a kiss. I returned the kiss, as I know sex had been his biggest complaint about me previously. Anyway, as the
day progressed, he asked me to go with him to get brake parts (twice that day), in the store, he pulled me closer and kept his hand on me, he told me I needed to start sitting in the middle of the truck, closer to him, he told me he "loved me"
a few times. He also said he doesn't want to loose me, nor give up everything. The OW isn't totally out of his life, he said, he can't just be a prick and blow her off, but he plans on cutting back on his talks with OW, and hopefully stop calling her within a month or so. I told him I understood, but it wouldn't work out for us until the OW was totally out of his life. He wasn't ready to move back into the house. He has a lease on his duplex until March, although he left it somewhat open ended as to what he'd do. He didn't leave immediately after sex either, even though I know he had to go back to his place to get some e-mails sent for work that night yet. We spelt together for about 1 1/2 hours before he got up to leave. At that point, I could see he was having some second thoughts, but not as intense has I'd seen previously, and he was still being affectionate.

He also had stated eariler that he wanted to find someone to take the kids for a weekend, and let us both just get away for a whole weekend together. I told him I'd like that, but I wanted to wait a week before trying to arrange this because I wanted to make sure really wanted this, and wouldn't change his mind (as I've seen previously in the last couple of months when he appeared to want to try and make things work). He said he understood. He also wants us to make sure we discuss whatever bothers us immediately, rather than holding it in like we have in the past. He said he has seen me changing.

Is this too good to be true? Now I'm not sure if he's going through MLC, or not, although other things he'd done seemed to match what a MLC'er would do. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much based on this one day, but it is a little hard not to, given what he said to me, and he did seem sincere. I am waiting for him to contact me again, although he is suppose to be over to be with the kids tonight while I go to volleyball tonight.

Need2Believe
Me: 44
H: 48
Married - 20 years
HD from 1st M - 29
S - 13
S - 10
Asked for D - 8/14/06
Found out about OW - 8/30/06
Moved out 10/14/06

[want2believe]

Knew it was too good to be true. No contact with H today until he showed up to watch kids while I went to volleyball. Walked in and started acting like he didn't want to get to close to me. He finally gave me a kiss on the mouth. He made sure I knew how tired he was and that he needed some sleep and had to get up early tomorrow again.
He out some leftovers out to eat and while heating them up, I asked if he regretted anything that happened yesterday. He mumbled something about He shouldn't have said some things. I didn't saything and
just went and started doing some chores around
the house and for the business before I left for volleyball. Twice he came by me while I was working and once rubbed my shoulders, but he did't stay more than a minute. I gave the boys and him a kiss before I left. When I got home, I told him "You can go and get some sleep now".and went back to working on the business chores I had. He got his coat on, and did come by me and gave me a quick kiss on the side of the mouth. I just told him to drive carefully. We seem to be regressing as time goes on.

It's obvious he still doesn't know what he really wants, and I refuse to chase after him. I can't change him, he has to decide on his own what he wants. I can only work on myself. I can see that it works to ignore him, but it also hurts especially after having a day like I had yesterday with H. It's also hard to be up-beat after experience this.

I know this is going to take a long time yet, it's just that
yesterday with H, with everything he said, was so encouraging, it's hard not to get your hopes up. I know this weekends opening season for deer hunting in WI, but that is also where the OW lives. He hasn't hunted the last 2 years - just hangs out with his old school buddies and has a few beers. Supposedly this is what he's doing this year again - but I wonder if that is really what he has planned.

He did ask me what I was doing for Thanksgiving. I'm not sure and said so. I suspect we won't be spending it together though, but then again, I know we've only spent 2-3 Thanksgivings together during all our years of marriage because of his going deer hunting. I just can't help thinking that he might be planning on spending it with OW though, even though he talked yesterday like he was going to break it off. It's just something in the way he acts that tells me on days like this, that he's not ready to give up the OW.

Enough speculating. I just got to move on with my life and see what happens the next time he decides for a short while he still wants me in his life. I just can't let myself get my hopes up too much, no matter what he say's. I knew that, but there were so many things he said yesterday that were positive about us possibly working this out. I still think we can, but I obviously can't believe much of anything he says, no matter how convincing he sounds at this point.

Thanks for letting me vent (and cry) here.

[want2believe]

Ok - It's been a over a week, and I've had my share of ups and downs. I gave my husband the option of spending Thanksgiving with us, but he initially basically turned it down. Said he could find something to do. I told him that was his choice. A day or so later, I called him and very calmly and nicely asked him why he never, in all our years of marriage, wanted to spend Thanksgiving with us. He said he usually goes deer hunting. I said, but the other guys seem to spend Thanksgiving with their families. I got, well they only live 1 hour from where we hunt for deer, I live 3 hours. I don't understand his reply at all. When I pushed a little more, he stated that I usually went to my sisters. When I said I only did that when I knew he wasn't going to be around, he started taking the stance that oh, it was his fault now. I said, no, it's not anyone's fault, and I'm not trying something any blame should be put on, but I just wanted to know and I'd never asked. He had nothing new to add. I did push a little more and ask him why he still never spent Thanksgiving with us the last 3 years, even though he wasn't actually deer hunting anymore. He said, I already told you. I said, "OK, so if I understand this correctly, you prefer to spend Thanksgiving with your friends rather than your family. He said "Yes". I said "OK. Thanks".

Anyway, I later left him a message, asking him what I should tell the boys if they asked where dad was for Thanksgiving. I later regretted it, and called back to tell him to ignore that message. He answered. Anyway as the discussion went on, he suddenly said "How about if I take the boys for Thanksgiving.". Needless to say, I as floored. First that he even offered, as he spends so little time with the boys anyway, and second that he had the gaul to try and take my kids from me on a holiday. I said it was too short of a notice, and No. He then said, well then tell them that". I was speechless and basically hung up. I called him back after a few mintues and told him to go a head and ask the boys if that was his choice. They could make their own choice, just like he could make his own choice.

I don't undestand him at all. It must be some old childhood issue he has. I felt I had to ask hime though about why he has rarely if ever spent Thanksgiving with me and the boys, because I wanted to at least get him thinking. Not sure if I did or not, but Wednesday morning, he send me an e-mail about some stuff for the business we own. At the end, he asked if I was still staying home for Thanksgiving. If I was he would come by and spend a few hours with the boys.

I told him I was and that he was welcome to come to dinner.
He asked what time, and I told him. I still hurt though as he definitely doesn't act or say anything about wanting to be around me. It hurts so bad, I just want to lash out at him even though I know I can't if I want this marriage to work.

I spent 3 hours with him last night helping to replace the water heater at the business. He made indications that he wanted to be with me. I was hoping for a kiss, but decided he definitely wasn't interested, told him so, and left.

Anyway, he came over today about 1:45. Sounds like he spent most of the morning at the business (car wash). He did give me a quick kiss, but that's about it. Turkey was still cooking, but he went out and started replacing the rear brakes on his truck. He did come in to eat when it was ready, but right after the meal, went back out to finish the truck. I cleaned up, and as it was getting dark, went out to help him. After a little over a hour, we finished. He came in and had pie. I asked about watching a movie, but no, he had to go check the business and then go home and wash clothes. He had no more socks. Poor boy. Anyway he was here for 4 1/2 hours, of which he spent at least 2 1/2 hours in working on the truck.

At one point, I went by him as I wanted to kiss him, but asked instead if he wanted me to leave him alone. He said he had to leave in a little bit. I said, so that means you don't want me to bother your. He said, I told you I have to leave in a little bit. I got up, got a glass of wine and said to him, You know, you never seem to give me "yes or no" answers, so all I can do is speculate on what you mean.

He left about 10 minutes later. He did give me a kiss good-bye. I didn't initiate it at all. But I just feel so lost. I want him back so bad, but if he doesn't want to be with me than why won't he say so. Sometimes I just fell like telling him to go ahead and file for a divorce if that is what he wants (even though he hasn't said anything about a divorce in over a month). I hate this yo-yo. It's so hard to act happy and un-caring around him when I feel like he doesn't want to be around me. I know he doesn't know what he wants. I've asked him and he's confirmed this.

I guess on the bright side, he said he had to stay around here this weekend because of the business. A lady hit the garage door yesterday, and the guy that'll repair it is coming tomorrow. I'm going out of town on Saturday with the boys. I'm not convinced thought that he might not go up to WI to see the OW though still as he kept asking me when I was leaving. I'm not sure yet, and that is what I told him.

I just think I really need to distance myself from him for a while. I"ve been crying every day for the last 4 days because I acks and responds to things like he doesn't want to be around me. I mean we go along OK, but I want more, and he can't give me that right now. It just hurts so much. I hate this. Why does this have to happen. How can he act so caring one day, and then so un-caring after that. I find myself resenting my husband more and more, and that doesn't help. I want what I know I can't have right now.
I have to distance myself from him. It's the only why he starts to realize what he's missing, and it's the only way I seem to stay sane. But it's so hard, as I end up missing him and want to hear his voice. I have a feeling Christmas is going to be a nightmare for me. Got to go - I need more kleenex.

[want2believe]

I'm ready to end this marriage. If he wants a divorce he can file. I won't file, but I just can't deal with him anymore. Everytime I think things are looking up, he does something that just so emotionally hurts, or pisses me off.

Thanksgiving was OK as I indicated in my previous posting, but H just didn't seem to be comfortable with us. Anyway, the next day, he comes over in the morning un-expectedly. Gives me a kiss and hug, asks me if I miss him. I say "Yes". I ask him if he misses me also - He says "Yes". H then asks me if I love him. I say "Yes", but don't push it and ask him the same. Later that day, I see him at the business, and he seems really happy to see me. I only stay for a few minutes. Later that night I stopped by again, to drop something off - he seems a little bit in that mood of what am I doing - but he came over and we had a nice evening together. He indicates he's not going anywhere for the weekend. The next day I leave town with the Boys to watch my nephews HS state football championship game. He calls later that night. The Sunday, he calls, and mentions my cell phone bill - how high it is. I say I'll pay for it. An hour later, I'm getting a call from the phone company telling me that he stopped automatic payments on that bill after this month, and given our situation, he wanted me to know what was going on, and if I was OK with it. Pissed me off royally.

When I called him and asked him about it, he gave me a bull [censored] answer about not paying for something I had said I would before. I told him I was pissed off at him that day, and he never brought it up again, so I thought he didn't really care. It's the only time I haven't paid him for something I said I would, and it was a much smaller amount than other things I've paid my share on.

He always say's he would have told me, but it's always after the fact. I just can't trust him, and he obviously doesn't trust me anymore either because of one bill. [censored], he has not grounds to even mention trust, given his cheating on me.

Anyway, Tuesday, I finally told him to "leave me alone". I can't take this emotional roller coaster ride anymore. I have too many things I need to get done, and it just interfers with it all. I'm not getting anything done. I told him I still wanted us to work out, but he'd have to learn to take me as I am. He told me, "I already told you what I had problems with you on, and I can't accept that".
It hurt, but after a while, I realized it's because he has no clue what he wants, or what is problem is, thus the problem has to be me.

Anyway, I've seen him every day since then. His choice. I try to ignore him as much as possible, but he has come up to me and kissed and hugged on 1/2 the days. Yesterday morning we were even intimate. He spent time with my older son, working on his truck. He hooked up the blade on the tracker, and plowed the driveway, but after he was done with that, it's like he couldn't wait to get away, and left as quickly as he could.

He wanted a weekend free where he didn't have to work at the business. So I gave him this weekend off. He was planning on going up to WI for the weekend for a racing auction in Green Bay. 2 nights yet, when 1 was all he'd really need. He's also never gone to that auction in all his years of racing. Well he indicated yesterday he might not go, but low and behold, off he went today. Towards where the OW lives, not Green Bay. I'm pretty sure he hasn't seen her in about a month, but obviously OW still has some pull with him.

I can't take this anymore. I will not share him. Either he wants to work it out or he doesn't. This in-between [censored] sucks and hurts too much. I just want to yell at him,
go a head and file for a divorce if that is what you want.

I have to ignore him but I don't know how since he's supposedly coming over tomorrow afternoon to help my son work on the truck, and we have to cash out. I don't know how to avoid him, given this. I'm sick of the selfishness. I'm sick of him only thinking about himself the majority of the time. I just want to yell to the world what a jerk he is.

I am moving on with my life, in case anyone who might read this thinks I'm not. I've already called and gotten some things done, it's just hard when he shows some interest, even after telling him to leave me alone, yet he can then go off and spend the night with OW. I want to just pack up the [censored] he hasn't taken and tell him to take it with him to his place now, and move on with getting things done that he's hasn't done in years on our house.

I need help! How do I ignore him. I don't know if I even love him anymore, or I really want this to work or not. I've put up with his [censored] and waiting for him to decide when he would do something, I can't do it anymore. Is it worth trying anymore?

[Was2sad]

Want2

I am beginning to be concerned about you already. You seem to be on the right thread but you might still be new to MLC. You have not been registered here very long compared to a few others so I am not sure how much you have read about mlc in books, this forum, or other folk's threads.

The more you understand about mlc if that is what is going on, the more peace you will find and understanding in what is happening.

The DB books from this site's author and topics like Keep Love Alive are great for every person to absorb. I point out though that "true" MLC defies the basics of DB or other books on M. True MLC is about a complete breakdown in a person's mental balance for a brief time in their life, a life stage transition from their youthful adulthood to their second and final adulthood. It is at different ages for different people and not a breakdown at all for many people. But if it hits a person it becomes an uncontrollable perfect storm ... no matter what they try to do to defend themself from it.

I say these things because books like Understanding Mid Life Crisis goes very detailed into the personal background that set the stage for a crisis of a life transition. It explains the things that confuse and frustrate us the most. Other titles like Surviving Your Husbands MLC by Conway try to be more practical and not as detailed a study in cause and effect.

I encourage you to do a little more reading specifically on MLC. Look for a few articles here like Six Stage of MLC.

My goal is not to ask you to overlook his actions. It is to help you find some inner peace in seeing he is not unique and is quite possibly predictible to a T. When there is or was an OW, there is a euphoric addiction equal to a drug addiction. It is often with someone of lower status as that raises his own worth. Ending the addiction of an affair is often as difficult as the narcotic twin. Even staying clean does not stop one from vividly recalling that incredible release of endorphines, that had absolutely nothing to do with loving the OW, or not loving the spouse. Just lots to consider here for your own peace of mind.

Focus on yourself and observe your own emotions such as anger along the way. Avoid the things that trigger the negative, even if that includes him. We call that detachment. Make time for the things trigger calm within you. This can be church, family, exercise, or just loading your own shells. Do not loose yourself in this time that you have even less control over him than he does over himself. If this is MLC, expect lies, expect financial misuse, expect the worst and feel blessed with any thing better.

In a book InTheMeantime this kind of behavior is considered "dealing with the trash in the basement" of our mental house. Your H is being forced by MLC transition to confront the basement trash in his life. He is being drawn to act out on his basement emotions and/or desires. The real downside if you believe any of the books is that he can not proceed through his transition to the other side without experiencing the whole thing. It calls him. It controls him and drives him to be completely opposite the rules he followed his whole life.

That does not prohibit tough love as preached by Dobson or others when dealing with mlc. Set boundaries to protect yourself. Protect yourself financially. If he can not live within reasonable limits, many say it is time to put him on the curb. That is not a game. It is not a wake up slap in hopes he will snap out of mlc. MLC takes many months or a few years. You can not be his victim during that time.

Take care of yourself. Come here to vent rather than confronting him. Read other posts. Look for books on mlc.