I've noticed you've been talking about this on a couple of threads, and I wanted to say something but didn't. Now you're here...
Yeah, she distances, and backing off does help. I'm beginning to call it "detaching from her drama". But that doesn't mean that I "withdraw", I just buck up and realize that this distancing is probably not about me, so I do all I can to not take it personally... It usually seems to be about her coming to terms with something. I've noticed that when this happens, often something or someone will become a "target" of her latest anxiety, and I'm glad that by detaching I've avoided becoming the target. Then, since I'm not the target, I'm a likely candidate to be the closest friend, the one who she can work it through with. That's a good place to be .
The intimacy issue is a big one for me. And though the sex thing is big, I don't mean physical intimacy. Actually, I believe there's a generally huge misunderstanding of the word intimacy. To me, intimacy is about closeness, sharing, respect and trust. That is still greatly lacking in my situation, and is the thing I most sorely miss, and most earnestly want back. It's coming, slowly, but it's coming. In my situation, there is also NO sex, and W is one of those people who misunderstand the word intimacy... So, If I mention intimacy, she hears SEX. But I mean emotional intimacy, so we have a communication issue. In our last C session, I was able to clearly lay out what I meant with the help and support of the C. And W did get it. So, I guess my point is that in trying to build intimacy, it's necessary to develop a common lexicon so everyone knows what they're talking about. You might say you want to work on intimacy, and he's wondering what's wrong with the sex. Just getting it clear is a big step toward better communication, which is a necessary step toward better emotional intimacy. At least I'm seeing this....
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