Terrific insight. You're so right.... plan a, plan b, and as KAW points out, plans l-m-n-o-p!!!!
Yes, that's what she's doing. And I, and the marriage, are plan A, I'm sure of it. Thank you for showing this to me.
We had a C session today. Saying it went well doesn't even begin to tell. C noticed how we are moving along, in parallel, but separate, but moving ahead. C said we seem to be in issues of being "closed", "shutdown", or of trust. W asks for clarity on the terms, so C explains: "closed" means not telling what's inside. "shutdown" means not receiving messages from the out side. I'll let you figure out trust... So, C leaves that out, waiting. So, I say "I'll bite...." thinking I'll talk about how I'm trying to "make it safe" for W to talk to me, and use the context of the talk about OM. C says, "no, W, you asked first, you start. What's up?" And, W proceeds to say almost exactly what I was going to say, expressing appreciation that I "made it safe" for her to tell me. I'm blown away...
So, we explored this thing about making it safe.... Andy, are you smiling about this??? I am and was!!!!! It came down to discussing how I was dealing with this OM contact, and I got a chance to make a speach... One I've been wanting to make for a long time... about respect. I pointed out how I feel about W in contact with OM, or with any man, or any friend. I pointed out that I believed it was none of my business. I acknowledged that must sound really twisted, but that I believe that what W does, what W choices are is her business, and all I can to is choose to accept it or not. All I can hope is that W makes her choices and respects and honors me and the marriage. I have only two choices.... accept her choices, ... or not. (at that point I couldn't identify, really, what my other choice was. upon reflection, I realize it is to leave the R.) Then, they both tried to shoot my premise down, but I stuck to it. I said I truly believe this. I have no right to expect to control my W, I can only accept her choices or not. That is the truth to me. Then, I added that I had combined this thought with another... that in the deepest, darkest hours of OR, I had realized that to preserve my sanity, I had to lower all my expectations to zero. I expected nothing, so I was not dissappointed, only rewarded. C nodded, and understood. I said that one of the scariest moments of this ordeal was when W said she would try to work this out, and I realized I would have to "trust" her on this, I would have to raise my expectations to the level of trusting that she would work. I had become so secure in assuming no trust, in having no expectation of her being trustworthy, that I underwent a small crisis in realizing that I would have to expose myself to potential dissappointment again. It scared the living Sh-- out of me. They both really, really, understood what was required for that leap of faith.
so, C was amazed. W acknowledged that I read a lot, that I have worked hard on myself. I began to tear. C pointed out that this was such a gift to W. W could not resist coming over to my chair and hugging.
I had a good day, my friends. I was heard. For the first time in many, many months. I can't say whether I'm on top of the world, or whether I'm just at peace.
