It really is amazing how similar our situations are. I can truly feel for you. I understand it.
I understand that feeling of disappointment when you hear it's the OM she is playing with. I have that same feeling deep down where it just eats at me sometimes and I can't let go. I don't know really how we could let it go when the source of that feeling is so prominent.
I think it's great the way you and your wife were able to discuss the situation and you were able to explain how you would rather hear of contact with the OM from her. I'm impressed that she was able to understand and agree to that. I would like to be able to talk to my H that way, to be able to explain to him my concerns and then have him acknowledge them and agree to make a change.
I think our S's do see how continuing contact with the OP doesn't help the progress of the marriage, but they still have a fear of stopping it. They still don't trust in the marriage enough yet to think they can or should completely give up contact with OP, especially since it's only on a friendship level (for some reason, I don't think it occurs to them that the fact that it stepped over the line of friendship at one point changes things) I also think there is still that factor of selfishness that keeps them from doing it, their wants and needs are still first and foremost to them right now I think. They probably do feel like they have "permission" to remain friends with the OP, but yet I think there is probably some discomfort about it in them. (really deep down, so deep they barley hear it, there has got to be a common sense or conscience that tells them it's not completely right) I'm not so convinced that she is trying to "wear you down". I think it's much more about her and what she is not ready to relinquish yet. I do sympathize with you being plagued by the continued contact, and I too think it has to be a contributing factor to a slower recovery. Still, I just hold out the hope that it will happen, that our S's will come as close to "no" contact as they possibly can while sharing the same friends as the OP. I also hope that when that time comes it will also be the time when they do tell us they've seen or been in contact with the OP, and maybe even share that they wish the OP hadn't been there.
Sorry I have no real advice, but I just wanted you to know I understand and I'm here checking on you.
