Have I given her complete control? Yes, I suppose I have. Talk to OM? She says very little - other than in the group - social contact. In fairness, the "cringe" thing was months ago, not repeated for some time. Most recently, in a C session, she modified that to "tensing up" when I touched her. I "reflected" it back with "cringe" and C pointed out that she didn't use that word. I laughed, and said "Oh, well there's some progress!!!" We all laughed, and it ended up with an "assignment" from C for both of us to actively "touch", and to ask permission to do so, so to prepare the other and have no unpleasant, unwanted "surprises", or "violations of space". Fair warning, I suppose. Truly, it does seem to help. I think W was reacting to touches as something she "knew" I should be allowed to do, but felt conflicted about me touching her. (anything more I have to say on this would be attempts at mind reading).
There is and has been lots and lots of progress, but it's really, really slow. Sometimes, the only way to truly measure the progress it to compare against the way things were many months ago. For example, a year ago this week, I received the "lawyer letter". It's a miserably, painfully slow process. Is this the way it has been for others in "recovery"? This is where I'm plagued with the feelings about contact with OM. It is this snail's pace toward recovery that makes me believe she's "stuck", and he has something to do with that. As long as she he's around, and she's got any "what if..." remaining in her mind, our R stagnates. It's almost as if progress in our R is "disloyal" to their R. Progress continues, none the less at glacial pace, and like a glacieris, I believe, unstoppable. Given all the positive signs of this progress, it's hard to understand and explain the agonizingly slow pace. As much as I probably should not, I search for explainations, and I repeatedly return to OM as a most likely one.
I feel like there may be an attempt being made to just plain wear me down. Since I live in a "fault" divorce state, and she has no obvious grounds, she can't simply file and divorce me. I sometimes wonder if there is a conspiracy to simply wear me down, to convince me (or get me to convince myself) that this is just simply not going to work. And to do so in a manner that shows me that we can be friends, but that the marriage doesn't work. Then, we part as friends, she gets the divorce as simply as breaking up with her high-school steady, and we move on to live happily ever after --- apart. This is my biggest remaining mind game I play with myself, because to me there is so little that explains this snails pace.
She's so closed off emotionally (always has been) that I have no idea what to think. Yes, Kent, I suppose I'm not taking care of myself very well right now. I guess it may be I've just hit one of those low spots in my emotional life cycle and I'm wallowing. Maybe the answer it just to do some more things on my own and distract me from this drama. Many of the projects I;ve been involved with these past months are winding down, and work is slow, so I have the time to wallow. I guess I have to find new ways to fill that time.
