I guess what sucks most about dating is that in it's truest sense, dating is about comparing situations, comparing potential mates. So, I'm back there again.
If you've followed any of my situation, you know that W is still actively involved socially with OM. He's part of her social circle, most of whom don't "know" about the situation. Short of removing herself from her primary circle of friends (something I would never insist upon, but have hoped, to no avail, the C would mention), she WILL have at least incidental contact. Or more, depending on her choices.
W got cozy with OM while playing tennis mixed doubles with him as a partner. That has ended for the most part, and it was something I said I'd like to have happen (said I was not comfortable with it). I said I was not comfortable with a lot of her contact with him. So, as much as W tells me what she's up to and whom she will be with when she goes out to the tennis club, she doesn't tell me ALL the time. So, the paranoid side of me anguishes that he's involved in those times. No way of knowing one way or the other.
So, last Friday, one of the "group" calls and leaves a message that she and her Mixed partner can't make the match on Sunday, they have to reschedule. When W got home, I told W, and then I made the dumb mistake of asking who her partner was (I knew her regular partner was busy. Another story). She said "You're not going to like it. It's OM." Oh. Now what do I do. I'm disappointed, but what can I do. Nothing. But it bugs me, really deep down, and I can't let it go. I don't do anything with it (I think), but it's there.
On Saturday, Kid was out with friends, and W and I went for a light dinner. And we talked. Apparently, I wasn't wearing my displeasure well. In fact, I guess I was sulking. W dragged it out of me, and did so by suggesting that it was her contact with OM that was making me "glum". I said yes, it was. I said I had wanted to say something, but really couldn't see any good to it, how when it really came down to it, it was her choice, and frankly, none of my business. But, purely at to my feelings, I didn't like it. I said it made me wonder how much time she spent with him other than that. I said it made me feel that she was hiding it from me, how I discovered it through a chance phone call. I said from a position of trust, I would prefer if she was going to be in contact with him, or if she had been in contact with him that I heard it from her and not chanced upon it from someone else. I said other wise, it felt like she was hiding from me, deceiving me.
So, first, she started to protest the comment about "none of my business", then she actually thanked me for being so reluctant to broach the subject, avoiding a conflict. And, she agreed to inform me of future contact. So, it feels like we came out pretty well.
The thing that so much drives me nuts is that she just won't see how seeing him is not helping our progress. It feels to me that she is so stuck on not being able to move one way or the other, and I blame it on her contact with him. I know, it's more than that, but there is something to it. I can't help having a nagging feeling that she's just biding her time trying to wear me down till I reach a point where I say I just can't do this any more. Where I say I just can't take the limbo we seem to be stalled in. And the C doesn't help. I had expected her to say something, but it seems that by my not insisting, and C not mentioning, W may feel she has "permission" to keep him as a "friend". It's exasperating.
Well, I'm just kind of journaling again. As slow as it is, it is moving ahead. The dating is going well. By backing off, I'm a bit more relaxed and less anxious. She seems a little more comfortable. I've let the physical go for now, in the context of dating. It will come in it's own time, if it does.
