Hi all. I suppose it's time to start a new one... Hit the 100 mark. I also tried something just for fun with the new format, and I revived my old thread in beginners... 512 posts long, locked closed last Sept. So, I wondered, is there possibly a loop hole in this new format that will allow it to be bumped??? Low and behold, YUP!!! I loved it!!! One of those "Question Authority" thing. But, they locked it up again, so I probably did the thread police a favor by showing them the loop hole... HEHEHEHE!
Anyway, it IS time for a new thread. I'm not linking any of the old stuff. What's past is over. I'm moving ahead now. I'm working on a new "epiphany". For weeks now, I've been in a snit that physical aspect of R is not improving. I'll be blunt, no sex since January, and then a single roll in the hay. Before that, 2/28/01. So, it's been wearing on me. Detachment is one thing, I thought, but this is ridiculous. SHE can get it anytime she wants (and probably does), (so said my slighted libido), but I hold the HIGHER ground... I'm married, and I HONOR my vows. Well, we all know smugness doesn't work, now does it?
So, back to the epiphany. A year ago, W was desparately shopping for a divorce attorney after W hired one, telling me she had hired one to "begin the process". I was told to hire one, got a letter telling me so, or they would proceed with an "action for divorce". Last Sunday was our 12th anniversary, and the card I got from her was actually signed "love, W". I got two neat gifts, too. So much for lawyers. The point is, we have gotten really friendly. We chat, joke, she calls me all the time (I practically have to hang up on her to get her off). We discuss nonsense, politics, kids, future. She's been on a housecleaning binge lately... Nesting of sorts. She invites me to her tennis matches (if you might recall, OM was her tennis doubles partner), even though he's usually around, and she knows it. I don't believe she has anything but purely coincidental social contact with him... not what I consider perfect, but I'll take what I can get. Besides, she's with ME when I seen him
So, I've been quite frustrated that she's staying distant. I try to remain detached, but sometimes, it get so be enough is enough. I mean, I'm married already. So where's the "benefits" of marriage, if you catch my drift. But, after a while, weeks of frustrate uspicion, actually, I began to realize, and remember something. What I remembered was that so often on this board, we are reminded that we have to make them fall in love with us again, as we did when we were dating... I noticed that all the "fun" thing we are doing is a lot like back when we first met. At the time, we were both just getting over other people, and we just hung out together, in a group of others. We were not attached, not an item, just members of the group who had fun. It was months of this fun, neutral bantor before we got more interested. Then, slowly, we became closer personal friends (as opposed to "group" friends), then dated, became lovers, and married. That too, was a process. It didn't happen over night, it took months, and it kind of sneaked up on both of us.
So, now, I'm noticing that we are behaving that way again... like before we were lovers, but on the way there. We banter, we playfully "jab" at each other. Back then, there were no physical advances, so no physical awkwardness. Now, almost the only tension we have is regarding "physical" (read, sexual) matters. I'm noticing that we are both now again in the process of recovering from "lost love", though in a twistedly different way, but I see the dymanic in full force. We (or at least She) doesn't need the pressure of sexual advances right now, so it's best to just be her pal. I have worried that this might be mistaken by her as a desire for a "platonic" R, but I realize there really is no chance of that. Most of that fear has really been simple impatience.
Funny thing is now that I've started to think this way, she's getting curious, and seems to be very concerned about how I'm feeling --- happy, mad, sad, fun..... She's careful to let me know what she's up to. Yesterday, I joked that I could change my plans to accomodate hers, and she would not leave me alone insisting she learn what my plans were (I had none, just joked that I did).
So, here I am. Moving ahead. "Dating" my wife. It's really fun. It's fresh. The distance helps build the respect thing back up. It's that detachment thingy again. Works every time. My take has always been to lower your expectations so low that anything positive is a cause for celebration. It's worked well, and somehow my impatience always seems to pull me off track. Well, I'm back on track now. Thank you all so much for your help. Without this board and all you friends, I would not be able to say all this...
