Quote: Is it possible to react based on old pain, even when you dont' feel as if the pain is there for you any longer? From somewhere in the memory, I mean?
Yes. Absolutely. Definitely. For sure. This kind of pain is pretty stubborn, too, because it is often very repressed, and very painful even to look at and acknowledge.
Quote: I did have a very unattached, unloving father.
I was torn between saying: "Ding ding ding!!!" and "B I N G O!!!" So, I guess I'll put both
To me, this sheds SO MUCH light on your reaction to H. It seemed to you that H was more worried about work (making money) than you. NO WONDER it hurt so much, given your background of emotional neglect by your father who was all about the money and who gave you no real nurturing or emotional intimacy. (Perhaps your mother also became emotionally neglectful too at times?)
Anyway, it seems as though your experience downtown was almost bound to trigger the reaction it did, pretty much custom made for doing so, lol.
I remarried fairly recently. One day, before we were married, my H came to bed and started to brush my hair gently, methodically, thoroughly. It was just incredibly sweet and nurturing. I cried. I felt panicked because it felt so good, I felt so very loved. I was afraid to even feel a desire for that kind of care and attention because I knew it would be so painful not to get it if I allowed myself to want it. Anyway, it was a really big deal -- this simple action of his, brushing my hair, was a momentous emotional watershed moment for me.
Fortunately, in large part due to DBing, I was able to share this with him. I can now ask for this kind of nurturing when I'd like it. He often spontaneously is nurturing in this way, because he likes to and because he knows how loved it makes me feel.
One thing I had to do once I could both accept and ask for nurturing, was to get past feelings of neglect when my desire could not be accommodated. Just because he doesn't want to or have time to brush my hair at a particular time does NOT mean he doesn't love me, lol, it does NOT mean he is neglecting me.
This is hard to explain, but while I can get enough nurturing from him as an adult and feel very loved from it, there is no way he could EVER nurture that little girl part of me that craved it so much. No one could. I needed to heal that part myself. The whole breakthrough with him certainly helped, but it was not something more and more attention from him ever could have fixed on its own.
Now, I still have a high desire for nurturing. This isn't a bad thing, it is just how it is. Hey, on the bright side, it is pretty darn easy to make me pretty blissful, lol, with a bit of tender care and attention. But, on a bad day when I'm exhausted, I can still certainly slip into a little girl pout. This is not very helpful, but it happens. Much better is when I can simply say, "Gee, I'm emotionally exhausted, could you brush my hair?"
Two bits of advice just for you (not having to do with how to interact with H):
(1) Say this out loud: "I am very hurt that my father neglected me emotionally. I am a good girl and I deserved loving care and attention from him."
No, really, say it OUT LOUD. Not in your head. OUT LOUD. This may take an incredible effort. Now, say it again MORE SINCERELY. And again. REALLY DO THIS. And don't be surprised if doing so makes you cry.
Now, say the same thing when it can be witnessed -- say it to psluke or to your H. Do this with someone you trust, it isn't easy and it is a big emotional risk. Don't be ashamed or afraid. It is a true statement.
I really really hope you do this, I think it could be a very powerful experience for you.
(2) When a post really pisses you off, makes you defensive, even puts you on the offense, distresses you, puts you in a funk, etc..., in my experience it is one that very likely bears close scrutiny and requires keeping an open mind, as hard as that may be. For, there is some aspect of those posts that are banging on your defenses and hitting a little too close for home.
Consider, would you have gotten on a downer if I had said:
"The problem is that you want to control the finances by controlling whether H succeeds in his job or not. You were frustrated because H wouldn't let you dictate whether or not he would be to work on time."
Well? Does that hurt? I expect not, lol. No matter how tactlessly I made such a claim, I doubt it would get under your skin. It is simply so wildly offbase that you wouldn't CARE if a STRANGER made such a bizarre claim. Indeed, you might worry more about me and my sanity than anything else
So, if a post causes a real response in you, my suggestion is that you give it time to percolate. Get curious about yourself -- why should a stranger's words be affecting you so much? What part of it is hitting close to home? What part of it is getting at your deepest fear? And so on...
Anyway, again, your post about your mom and dad was huge. You should be very pleased with yourself and proud -- it is very honest, and very strong. So, Wahoo
