Thank you OldTimer. You had me in a downer. LOL Is it possible to react based on old pain, even when you dont' feel as if the pain is there for you any longer? From somewhere in the memory, I mean?
I did have a very unattached, unloving father. He was always present and provided for the family well financially, but there was little to no love from him. He is still like this, even with the grandkids. It sounds like a cliche, but really its all about money for him. My mother, who is a very caring person, shut off emotionally after years of this. She divorced him after 28 yrs. Sometimes we see glimpses of caring out of him, but on the whole... Looking back on my entire childhood, I dont' ever recall him telling us kids he loved us, not once. I've always felt like there was this wall between him and everyone else, and he will never let it down. Maybe there arent' any emotions there to show, and that is why. I dont' know. I dont' know if this has anything to do with it all, just thinking out loud here. It is very hard for me to ask for help, I tend to try to do it all myself. I dont' want everyone to know that I'm only running on 50% or 25%, whatever it may be. I think when my H said.. 'call someone for help' (knowing that the police already said they wouldn't help).. my mind was like.. are you kidding me? Who was I supposed to call? I think what I want is more effort on his part. Not the work, around the house, chores effort, but emotional effort? And I must need to learn to express myself better and not react so quickly? I dont' know. I am definitely going to read the books suggested.
